Breaking up is hard...

SlickDizzy wrote: This has arguably been my first "serious relationship" and for some reason at 20 I really thought that was what I wanted.

Be careful of what you wish for when you are in your 20's. You may have it when you are in your 30's, and you may not be able to get rid of it when you are in your 40's.

When is the right time? Ideally right after you can verify she isn't pregnant and before she can toss her birth control pills in the trash. No going back to well EVER.

You're still young so don't sweat it. I didn't meet my wife til we were both 27, married by 29.

maroon said: SWMBO and I have changed so much in the last 10 years. We have grown into completely different people than we were 10 years ago, and I continue to see change almost every day.

sir, you are correct, maybe i did not word it as well as i should, i was trying to say more like if she is a lazy B, she probably will not change, your basic make up will not change, dont think you can save or change a person into the right mate for you, you can not build one from the frame up.......

If it would make life easier on you, I can just send her a link to this thread...and then take her out for dinner.

Seriously though, nut up and get it done. The only thing worse than being dumped is knowing that the other person has been miserable for a long time and didn't have the guts to cut the cord.

MY $02., YMMV - Don't get into specifics. "I don't think we're compatible anymore" or "I don't think I can be in a serious relationship at this point" or "I think we've both changed" or some E36 M3 is a lot less heartbreaking than "I feel like your berkeleying security blanket, and you're smothering me to death. You might have some daddy issues that you need to sort out." Again. Just my opinion. But I've done it/had it done to me a whole bunch of different ways, and find it's best to be a little vague, very firm (if it's done, it's done. No "let's take some time off" or "tell me how I can fix things.") Just cut the cord and move on. She'll have to go through that period of wondering what the hell she did wrong, just like everyone else who gets dumped. Be nice. But firm.

Best of luck man.

SlickDizzy, I was in a situation similar to your own years ago. I was around the same age. It was my first "serious" long term relationship. I felt like she was overbearing at times and depended on me too much, etc.

I avoided the breakup for too long for a lot of the same reasons - we lived together, I didn't think she could handle it, and of course I still cared for her a great deal even though I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship anymore.

My biggest mistake was not giving her enough credit and waiting until I was in a undesirable situation. She was/is a strong person and lives a happy life without me. I made it worse though by meeting someone else while I was still with her. I didn't plan it and I wasn't actively looking, but that's how life goes. So my plan to ease the pain basically backfired on me pretty badly. She didn't find out about "the other woman" until we had already broken up, but that's a cold comfort.

So, that's basically a long way of saying what many others have said in the thread. If you're sure about your feelings, do it polite, firm, but mostly soon.

BTW - I'll second Poop on the whole "specifics" and "if it's done, it's done" points. Make it nice-n-clean.

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote:

The wrote: one the therapy topic, it will inform you, it will not change you or her.

WTF!? Therapy? Really?

Yeah...really. I think if you read the posts, you'll understand why. If not...no big deal, but the attitude doesn't really fit here.

The therapy is for the person, not the relationship. Nobody said go to therapy to fix the relationship.

ClemSparks wrote: The therapy is for the person, not the relationship. Nobody said go to therapy to fix the relationship.

I read the posts. What I read was a young guy with no attachments is sick of his first real girl friend, wants to move on.

There is nothing abnormal here requiring a shrink.

The point your missing (or where we'll disagree, at least) is that it's not abnormal to talk to a therapist.

Ge wiz. Tell her you've been very unhappy lately and figured out it's because you are gay.

Or

Tell her you really want have a threesome (FFM).

I would add that it's okay to break up with someone without a "good" reason. If it just isn't right, it just isn't right, and you both deserve to find something that fits you better. What I mean is... maybe the feeling of being controlled isn't really the problem, but is your mind making up something specific it can point to that will legitimize you wanting to leave.

Last breakup before the current fiancee, it was kinda like that. Just a "what are you thinking?", "I'm thinking maybe we'd be better if we broke up," "Huh, I was kinda thinking the same thing." Super easy and amicable. Nothing actually "wrong" with our relationship just no energy to it and surviving on pure inertia.

If you do need to give a reason, "This relationship just doesn't make me happy," is perfectly legitimate.

Beer Baron wrote: If you do need to give a reason, "This relationship just doesn't make me happy," is perfectly legitimate.

I once was engaged. My fiance broke it off. When I asked why, her response was, "I just can't do this anymore." I asked for clarification, but got repetition.

For months, I beat myself up about why, what had I done, etc. Finally, a friend told me that it didn't matter why, and that I needed to stop torturing myself trying to find the answer. What mattered was that a relationship took two people, and she didn't want to have one. He said that was all the information that I needed.

Strangely, that helped a lot more than the tens of hours of brooding introspection (read: "whining") that I forced my friends to listen to.

I really want to hear more about this chick.

What's she look like? Do you find her attractive? Do you day dream about boning her? Do you share hobbies? Does she have friends? What does she do for fun? Does she pay her half of the rent? Who was better in school?

When youre young, I really think the best answer is "I don't think I have enough relationship experience to make this one successful."

Which basically gives you an out if she finds you've been sleeping around a few days later. You can say "I got right to work getting experience!"

"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you. "

ClemSparks wrote: The point your missing (or where we'll disagree, at least) is that it's not abnormal to talk to a therapist.

EVERYBODY needs a therapist. Even the therapist.

JoeyM wrote:

Beer Baron wrote: If you do need to give a reason, "This relationship just doesn't make me happy," is perfectly legitimate.

I once was engaged. My fiance broke it off. When I asked why, her response was, "I just can't do this anymore." I asked for clarification, but got repetition. For months, I beat myself up about why, what had I done, etc. Finally, a friend told me that it didn't matter why, and that I needed to stop torturing myself trying to find the answer. What mattered was that a relationship took two people, and she didn't want to have one. He said that was all the information that I needed. Strangely, that helped a lot more than the tens of hours of brooding introspection (read: "whining") that I forced my friends to listen to.

Lot of truth here; sometimes there's not one real good reason. I have had a few relationships where we sort of coasted along, neither of us really happy with it but with no one specific reason. It didn't mean anything was wrong with either of us in any way. In those cases, soul searching will turn up... nothing. Because there's nothing to turn up. Time to accept and move on.

Curmudgeon wrote: Lot of truth here; sometimes there's not one real good reason. I have had a few relationships where we sort of coasted along, neither of us really happy with it but with no one specific reason. It didn't mean anything was wrong with either of us in any way. In those cases, soul searching will turn up... nothing. Because there's nothing to turn up. Time to accept and move on.

Yup. Sticking those out doesn't help you. The one that I was coasting through... shortly after we broke up, we both found the partners we would eventually marry and are both much happier.

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote:

ClemSparks wrote: The therapy is for the person, not the relationship. Nobody said go to therapy to fix the relationship.

I read the posts. What I read was a young guy with no attachments is sick of his first real girl friend, wants to move on. There is nothing abnormal here requiring a shrink.

This too. BTDT, my first 'real' GF (when we met she was 17, I was 18) was 100% sure we'd get married, suburban house, picket fence, babies, all that. Me- I wasn't so sure. It took me about 3 years to figure that one out and there were a lot of conflicting emotions during that time. The real. big. crack. in the relationship came when she told me the dirt bike needed to go. I asked why, she said when we got the house I wouldn't have time or money for that any more. I put the bike up for sale but wasn't really trying, after a few weeks she asked me why it wasn't gone and I said 'because I don't want to sell it'. (And then the fight started... )

Honestly, looking back it was not only because I wasn't ready but was also because I didn't really want to stay with her. No therapy needed. That's not to say that it did not throw me into a tailspin when we split up, jealousy is a dangerous and strong emotion. As a side note, she died of cancer a few years ago.

If you dread going home everyday or can't stand to be in the same room, its over. If not, then talk about what is going on - she may feel the same way. I've known my wife for 20 years and we've been married for 13. I hate decorating and she tolerates my numerous hobbies. We've been through hell and back and couldn't have done it without open communication. Good luck.

Her Diary:

Motorcycle won’t start…can't figure out why.

In reply to chrispy:

Sad but true

When my 1st marriage was going south I went to a few counseling sessions(I scheduled them as joint sessions, but she refused to go). The one thing I remember to this day: The counsellor said "You need to set a line, and if she crosses it, it's over."

I struggled to determine what that threshold would be, but the moment she hit me I knew she'd crossed it.

We have a daughter, and the first couple years were rough, but we honestly get along much better now than we ever did when we were together. Our daughter is better off too, as she now has two loving homes rather than one dysfunctional one.

Regarding your situation, you need to pinpoint exactly what the underlying issues are and have a discussion - on your own if you think you both can be civil about it, or with a counsellor.

The wrote: she nor you will change in 30 years she will still be the same.

great advice.....

30 years ago I picked up my girlfriend (now wifey) at 5:00am and drove up to Road America for the day - I was pumped and talkative and she was silent until she had a cup of coffee an hour or two later.

2 weeks ago I am up early and all jacked up on coffee and she comes down and gets annoyed with all my questions about the plans for the day - she reminds me she was never a morning person and I should give her an hour to get up - IE; leave me alone.....

Datsun said: The wrote: she nor you will change in 30 years she will still be the same. great advice.....

i learned that in therapy

slefain wrote: When is the right time? Ideally right after you can verify she isn't pregnant and before she can toss her birth control pills in the trash. No going back to well EVER.

Harsh as it may seem, this is well stated.
Speaking from experience, do not go back for the re-tap. It sets everything back to even a potentially worse place.