Breaking up is hard...

I think sometimes if we've had a bit too much fun in our younger years, we get a bit nostalgic as we get older, and that can be just as dangerous as going from long-term relationship to long-term relationship.

As others have said about, you've got to be realistic about relationships. Everything from sexual attraction to how successful the person is in holding a job and earning an income, to "can I vacation with this person" are valuable things to know. Part of the reason I've been in a co-habitating relationship for nearly 5 years is because I'm pretty damn determined to stress this relationship every way I can prior to marriage.

I've known some really awesome couples go up in flames when they moved to a new city. I've met the most committed partners who left a marriage when someone they loved more came along. I've known rich dudes who got fat in the 10 years after marriage while their wives got sexy and left them for the local unemployed rocker.

The key is be realistic from the start and be realistic at the end.

PHeller wrote: The key is be realistic from the start and be realistic at the end.

I think this is important, but I also heard a really good quote I hold close to my heart about relationships, it goes something like:

"Treat your (significant other) like you did when you first started dating".

I can understand the dynamics of the relationship changing, but in my mind, there is no reason for me to NOT treat my girlfriend in the same manner as when we first started dating. I liked her then, I like her now, why should my priorities change? Shouldn't I always try to impress her? To have fun with her? To show her I care?

At the end of the day, I think it comes down to if you want to do good by the person. If you are always seeking to be fulfilled by a relationship in an unrealistic way (just like people who think jobs should always have this unrealistic fulfilling affect on their lives), you won't be happy.

There's no such thing as being able to always treat a s/o the same way as you did on the first date. It's a great sentiment but not even faintly realistic, to expect it is to pull the pin on a grenade that will wreck everything. As people's circumstances change and they of course change, the best that can happen is to always treat each other with respect and this is the true basis for really long lasting relationships.

Ian Fleming explored this very idea in 'Quantum of Solace', synopsis stolen from Wiki:

'The governor explains his point to Bond: when the "Quantum of Solace" drops to zero, humanity and consideration of one human for another is gone and the relationship is finished.'

gamby wrote: This is so solid. At 20, you're still well into the stage of having "throwaway" relationships. You're still super young now. Way too much growing up/spreading-of-wings goes on from your early-to-mid 20's. It's a major developmental stage. Being tied down to someone through that stage and potentially marrying them is more often than not a recipe for disaster.

And yet, my folks got married at 20 and have been together 52 years. My wife's folks, before they passed, had been together nearly 70 years. My dad's parents were together 50+ years, as well. Both my dad's parents and my wife's parents had years of military marriage in there, as well.

I sometimes wonder if it's too many self centered, selfish, Leykis-worshipping jerks creating the more modern attitude that getting serious in your 20s is bad, and that cutting and running at the first sign of inconvenience in a relationship is the right thing to do...

That's Chris_V, ladies and gentlemen, and he'll be here all internet!

srsly, we can all think of relationships on both sides of this coin, so stating those examples adds nothing.

and Doll, he is getting therapy. GRM Off Topic Forum therapy, which is arguably the most accurate and most cost-effective therapy available, on any subject, at any time.

Chris_V wrote: I sometimes wonder if it's too many self centered, selfish, Leykis-worshipping jerks ...

OK, I give. WTF is a Leykis? It reads like a guy from Boston talking about LA's basketball team. As in: "Gimme fyve tymes on the leykis to covah."

Tom Leykis radio show, listen live at 3pm pacific at blowmeuptom.com or on tunein.com. Leykis deals with men's rights issues. He is a true feminist and believes in equality between sexes. He suggests every male who thinks they want to be married to go sit in family court office for a few hours and watch the beaten dogs go in and get reamed by the court system.

benzbaronDaryn wrote: Tom Leykis radio show, listen live at 3pm pacific at blowmeuptom.com or on tunein.com. Leykis deals with men's rights issues. He is a true feminist and believes in equality between sexes. He suggests every male who thinks they want to be married to go sit in family court office for a few hours and watch the beaten dogs go in and get reamed by the court system.

QFT. If I ever seriously think about getting hitched again it'll be with a prenup or it won't happen at all.

Lotsa unrealistic expectations out there in couple land. Women marry a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. Men marry women expecting them to never change, and they do.

Streetwiseguy wrote: Lotsa unrealistic expectations out there in couple land. Women marry a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. Men marry women expecting them to never change, and they do.

QFT X 1000

Streetwiseguy wrote: Lotsa unrealistic expectations out there in couple land. Women marry a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. Men marry women expecting them to never change, and they do.

Clearly the problem here is with the women.

I still like my advice the best

Chris_V wrote:

gamby wrote: This is so solid. At 20, you're still well into the stage of having "throwaway" relationships. You're still super young now. Way too much growing up/spreading-of-wings goes on from your early-to-mid 20's. It's a major developmental stage. Being tied down to someone through that stage and potentially marrying them is more often than not a recipe for disaster.

And yet, my folks got married at 20 and have been together 52 years. My wife's folks, before they passed, had been together nearly 70 years. My dad's parents were together 50+ years, as well. Both my dad's parents and my wife's parents had years of military marriage in there, as well. I sometimes wonder if it's too many self centered, selfish, Leykis-worshipping jerks creating the more modern attitude that getting serious in your 20s is bad, and that cutting and running at the first sign of inconvenience in a relationship is the right thing to do...

..which is why I typed earlier that it's different now than 40 years ago. Plenty of those high school sweetheart stories back then. Fewer now.

More than half of my (educated, successful) peers are now divorced. My brother's divorce is costing him ~$1 million. Met his soon-to-be ex in college. Admits now that they were too young.

As I said earlier, a LOT of development goes on between 20 and 26. At 41, 6 years isn't all that much, but back at 20, it's a massive developmental difference.

By all means, get married to the person you met in your teens. Maybe get a pre-nup in the process...

Another thing to point out is that "serious" or "committed" no longer necessarily means "married" these days. Lots of couples together stay together for years at a time before getting married. I'm one of those.

I like the wisdom that marriage is such a serious thing that it is worth taking the time and effort to be sure it is absolutely the right decision before getting married. Better to wait an extra 5 years than to end up getting divorced. You won't spend any less of your life with them. Your relationship won't mean any less.

In reply to Beer Baron:

Absolutely this. Now, too many younger people want to have the best wedding in order to look great on facebook. "Look at me and how awesome I am because of my wedding pics!!!"

It goes from "look at my ring!" to "Look at our wedding!" to "look at our house!" to "Look at our babies!" to "I'm miserable--getting divorced" once the fun milestones stop coming and your just plain ol' married.

I met my wife at 26, married her at 30 after living together for a year. Everything was out of my system at that point. Mind you, our marriage is FAR from perfect and could use a good amount of work at the moment--so I'm far from Mr. Perfect on his high horse right now.

gamby wrote: In reply to Beer Baron: Absolutely this. Now, too many younger people want to have the best wedding in order to look great on facebook. "Look at me and how awesome I am because of my wedding pics!!!"

Yeah, that's totally a new development since the advent of Facebook...

My college girlfriend and I were in the same boat. We dated from day 1 of college until final exams of senior year. We should ended things wayyy sooner. We had our regrets of the way we treated each other. Things would have been so much better if we'd just ended things two years in instead of 4. It seems you're in a similar situation. Being single was the best thing that happened to me. I had three awesome years to travel the country and figure out who I was and what I wanted even though I was/still am young.

Chris_V wrote:

gamby wrote: This is so solid. At 20, you're still well into the stage of having "throwaway" relationships. You're still super young now. Way too much growing up/spreading-of-wings goes on from your early-to-mid 20's. It's a major developmental stage. Being tied down to someone through that stage and potentially marrying them is more often than not a recipe for disaster.

And yet, my folks got married at 20 and have been together 52 years. My wife's folks, before they passed, had been together nearly 70 years. My dad's parents were together 50+ years, as well. Both my dad's parents and my wife's parents had years of military marriage in there, as well. I sometimes wonder if it's too many self centered, selfish, Leykis-worshipping jerks creating the more modern attitude that getting serious in your 20s is bad, and that cutting and running at the first sign of inconvenience in a relationship is the right thing to do...

I've seen a lot of couples married 50 years that hate each other, but they are incapable of cooking/balancing a chequebook, so they stay there waiting a wishing for the other one to die...

gamby wrote: In reply to Beer Baron: Absolutely this. Now, too many younger people want to have the best wedding in order to look great on facebook. "Look at me and how awesome I am because of my wedding pics!!!" It goes from "look at my ring!" to "Look at our wedding!" to "look at our house!" to "Look at our babies!" to "I'm miserable--getting divorced" once the fun milestones stop coming and your just plain ol' married. I met my wife at 26, married her at 30 after living together for a year. Everything was out of my system at that point. Mind you, our marriage is FAR from perfect and could use a good amount of work at the moment--so I'm far from Mr. Perfect on his high horse right now.

We moved-in after 6 months together, but lived together for 3 years after that to make sure.

Living together is IMHO not a perfect 'practice run' for marriage; BTDT. I lived with my ex for 4 years before we tied the knot, it took another 5 for things to really start coming apart and we struggled along another 9 before it finally imploded.

FWIW, today (Dec 17) is the third anniversary of the divorce becoming final.

Curmudgeon wrote: Living together is IMHO not a perfect 'practice run' for marriage; BTDT.

It's probably better than not doing it.

We did exactly the same as Z31. That was in 85, and we're still together.

Probably is, it did keep me from getting married once. But it's still no guarantee.

Curmudgeon wrote: FWIW, today (Dec 17) is the third anniversary of the divorce becoming final.

Party time?

mtn wrote:

Curmudgeon wrote: FWIW, today (Dec 17) is the third anniversary of the divorce becoming final.

Party time?

Have a date tonight.

gamby wrote: Absolutely this. Now, too many younger people want to have the best wedding in order to look great on facebook. "Look at me and how awesome I am because of my wedding pics!!!"

This is one of the reasons I love my fiancee so much- in trying to solidify plans/timing for getting married she said, "I don't gave a damn about being a bride, just about being your wife."

If your school does have therapy/counseling available, I'd take advantage of it if you can- but you'd need to get her there too, and that is going to require a very similar talk about your not being happy that the breakup would be- so you really need to just sit down with her and vent a bit (not angrily, just so she understands some of what you've got issues with the relationship). She likely has some issues as well- you can kind of gage whether counseling would be worthwhile or not based on how that conversation goes.

If you're not happy though, definitely say something about it. I spent far too long in my first marriage sucking it up for the sake of trying to keep us together when we probably really should have split up long before we did (and if she's been completely honest from the get-go, likely wouldn't have gotten married at all or at least put it off for a while).