Dealing with depression

I'm 26 years old. I've had several long term relationship including one that was 5 years long and ended in marriage and shortly thereafter, divorce. It took me a long time to recover from that one (she left me for another man).

Last year I met an amazing younger girl, about 6 years younger. She is in college at a nursing program. We fell in love and moved in together. I am an attorney but I was working as a document reviewer (which is the legal equivilent of sweeping the garage). Everything was going well.

This year, I was offered a job- a modest position, but one where I could practice law and go to court. It was on the other side of the state, about 3.5 hours from where I was living. I felt like I could not turn down the offer- I'd been out of law school a couple years and had been doing crappy jobs just waiting for a break. We stayed together as a long distance relationship and I moved across state to start the job.

Since I've got here, things got rough. We didn't get to see each other much. We didn't even end up getting to talk that much when things got busy. Both of us were lonely. But both of us were in love with the other.

A couple weeks ago I had a meeting out her way and stopped to see her on a wednesday. She kissed me all over, told me how happy she was to see me, told me how good I was to her, told me "I think I'll keep you," joking and smiling. It was a great day. I went home, and the next day she told me how she bragged to her family about how great it was, and showed them the flowers I'd given her.

The next day, she told me she wasn't sure our relationship was going to work out. She had decided she couldn't permanently relocate to the side of the state where I was working on. Her friends and family were there, and she wasn't ready to leave them. I understood, but I urged her that my long term plans would see me moving back home as soon as possible. She got sad and said that I couldn't guarantee when or if that would ever happen. I asked if she was considering breaking up with me, and she said no.

Over the past couple weeks, that turned into her being more and more unhappy. It wasn't me, she said, but the distance- and I told her I'd do everything I could to move back. I offered to try and transfer closer. I ever offered to consider resigning from my job and going back to document review. She said she would feel guilty if I gave up my career for her.

She told me she wanted to spend time apart. She said it hurt her, but that she thought it would be best for both of us. She said she still loved me.

I was devastated, and couldn't eat, couldn't function at work, couldn't take my mind off it.

I took 5 days off work over memorial day weekend and spent it at my mothers house and let her "mother" me and was starting to feel better about things.

I decided I was too far from my family and friends and I wanted to move home. I put in for a transfer at work and both my boss and the boss at the office I would be transferring to both thought it would be a good change. That transfer is still pending approval from our corporate office.

I felt good, having done everything in my control. I thought she would be happy that I'd be closer. When she got online last night, I saw that her status on facebook was in a relationship with someone else.

Ever since then I've been walking around feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I haven't eaten anything. I didn't sleep last night. I've lost 12 lbs in two weeks. I cry sometimes, for no reason at all. I can't listen to the radio. I can't get over her. I'm still here on the other side of the state, largely alone with few friends.

I've talked about it with everyone that will listen, and everyone keeps telling me its for the best, things happen for a reason, that I need to learn to move on, that I need to let go of her, that she has made her decision.

But the reality is that I can't let go. I don't know why. I can't let go of her, I can't stand the idea of her with someone else, and even while I'm fuming over that, I'm thinking that if they break up maybe she will realize how great I was to her and come back to me. How unhealthy is that?

I'm a smart, intelligent, motivated young man. I realize my behavior is unhealthy. I realize its affecting my personal life and my professional life. But I feel powerless to change it.

When I'm alone at night, I contemplate how much easier it might be to let go of this life- whether through quitting my job and moving back in with my folks, or through more sinister means.

I don't drink or do drugs, and I don't enjoy "going out." People keep telling me to go out and get drunk, have random sex, whatever, but those things just make me feel more alone and have the side effect of making me feel ashamed of myself. Some people have suggested I try anti depressants, but the short list of people I know that have tried them mostly say they did very little for them. Additionally, I'm hesitant to get on any drug like that because of my profession- I have a professional license to worry about, in addition to maintaining my behavior in court and with clients.

I'm sure a lot of you guys have been in similar situations... what has helped you through it? I'm struggling...

Find yourself a nice, long, lonely deserted road with lots of corners. Pop in your favorite CD/MP3/8-Track, roll down the windows, and just drive.

All of the self-destructive methods don't work. Be constructive.

This sounds like something a professional should consider. There's nothing wrong with that, it's like going to see a smart, educated friend who wants to hear your thoughts. If nothing else, you'll get qualified advice regarding antidepressant medication.

First, what happened was not in your control. She hooked up with someone else. There's not much you can (or could) do about it, so focus on the things you CAN do something about.

Physical health can have a big effect on mental health, so eat right. Get on an exercise program, too. You'll look better, and you'll feel better, too.

Keep yourself busy. Idle hands and minds are not going to do you any good right now. You'll just dwell on crap instead of making yourself more solid. Try a hobby, learn a skill, take on a project, whatever. Just don't sit around.

Get good sleep, but not too much. Just try to get a good solid, restful eight hours or so. Too much, and it feeds depression.

Get out and be around people. Conversation and laughs are good. Also, it's kind of related to a hobby, but try to think of places you can be and things that you can do besides bars. Maybe take up ballroom dancing. Chicks dig guys who can dance.

Consider feeding the soul. This might be a good time to go to church, if you're so inclined, or otherwise nurture whatever spirituality suits you.

And remember you are NOT powerless. It's your life, make it what you want it to be.

Exercise. When you work out your body releases many of the same chemicals that it does when you are drunk or high. It will make you feel better, if only for a short time. Start with 20 push-ups and 20 sit ups at a time. It is easy to do, and only takes a couple minutes. Whenever you feel really bad, get on the floor and do 20. Trust me, it works. If you are at work, step outside, or sneak around a corner. Folks may find it odd, but just tell them you are getting healthier. Who can argue with that?

Also, concentrate on eating healthy. Chances are if you are really torn up, you won't have much of an appetite, or you won't be able to keep much down. Eat lots of fruit, veggies, and other healthy stuff. It is really easy to neglect your body when your mind is hurting.

The bonus of doing the above is that you will get into fantastic shape. This will help you every time you look in the mirror, and you will notice extra attention from other ladies, which doesn't hurt either.

Good luck. Time heals all. It sucks, but every minute you go through this pain is one minute closer to getting better.

Wow.

OK, lemme start with a "I am not a professional disclaimer." and follow that with a "that really sucks."

I have been in a similair, but not as painful experience. 1st wife left me for a friends and the worst part was I saw it happening, called her on it and it still happened.

Thats irrelevant, I just wanted to give you my background. Back to you.

1st thing -

andrave said: or through more sinister means.

That is a GIANT red flag in my world. If you worked for me I am obligated by law to take you some place and get you help. Not only am I legally obligated, I am morally and geuinely, personally obligated. I take that very seriously

I agree about avioding the pills, and a while back Dr Hess posted a very educational description of how they work and the times they should be used. But I would seriously urge you to get some professional help, and now. Literally just talk to someone. Many folks consider it a weakness, but if you have the guts to put this here, you certainly have the courage to go see someone. Its certainly not permenant and will help more than you think. Just couseling is confidential and will protect your personally and professionaly.

The rest of my $.02 is of course you are depressed. You have been betrayed by someone you care about, and it wasn't the first time. It would seem she betrayed without malice in her heart, just poor tatse. Which hurts more, becuase you can't be angry. I would aurgue depression is a very reasonable response. Where you seem to be stuck on where to go from here. Hence where you call the professional.

I think you have a healthy attitude about not wanting to enage in destructive behaviors. Thats a good thing. I would reccomend from personal experince an aggressive fitness routine. It helps regulate the body and gets you used to movement when all your brain wants to do is sit in a dark room. If you poke around online you kind find several running clubs.

I default to running, cause its my thing, but swimming, rowing, lifting, or even an amatuer sports league will have the same effect.

http://www.mapmyrun.com/find-run/united-states/wv/martinsburg

My immediate gut reaction is also to get a motorcycle, which is my response to a lot of things, but given your current state, I know that is a terrible idea.

I think the fact that you perked up when you were with your family and the fear of engaing in destructive behavior is a brilliant step in the right direction. I personally think that state of mind lends itself well to some professional couseling. You are a lot closer to feeling better than you think.

Again, please, talk to someone that really can help. Good luck to you.

All good advice, except: do NOT take antidepressants! Those things are the work of Satan. Pills and/or booze are NOT the way to fix any of life's problems.

The situation you are in sucks, the only way out of it is to make yourself busy so you do not brood on it. As you do so, you'll find the situation intruding less and less into your life. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but trust me: it will get better. I have been there and done that.

PS. 'That which does not kill you makes you stronger'.

P71 wrote: Find yourself a nice, long, lonely deserted road with lots of corners. Pop in your favorite CD/MP3/8-Track, roll down the windows, and just *drive*. All of the self-destructive methods don't work. Be constructive.

I have done this MANY times, however don't push to hard, in that state it is easy to let yourself go way to fast and not brake enough.

As also mentioned get some exercise, it does help, if nothing else you can wear yourself out and sleep.

Yeah it happens and it nearly knocks the wind out of you but trust me you'll do fine without her, you did for 20+ years. As Tim said you can only control yourself. You did alll you could and believe me with a clear conscious like that it'll help you heal faster. There are a couple of good books out there, one is called "Rebuilding" if I remember correctly look it up and read it when you're ready. There are also message boards but you're probably better off putting it all aside temporarily.

You're pretty young and a guy so you're not on a short schedule to be in a relationship again. Try to think of it as a time off or a vacation, just go out and be a teenager again, movies, care-free living, cars, projects, casual dating etc. Random sex etc doesn't work for sensitive people. If you were a frat boy then sure that's the ticket but not for you. Hey if it happens it happens but I personally wouldn't go out looking for that. If you have a good female friend, cousin, sister it'll help to have a woman's perspective and ear.

I know it may feel that you can't even function but every week it'll get easier as you realize you only need yourself to survive. Remember also what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

You've had some down/greiving time.There comes a day when you have to put on your big boy underwear and face Life.

What's done is done.It is what it is.Wake up.Move on.

well, when I was engaged and broke it off (with the same woman I eventually married) I starting running. I did it too much. I was doing 6-10 miles a day. I hurt myself. Its hard to run anymore... the injuries come back. I do like to mountain bike but the weather has been bad lately.

I did some crunches last night in my living room... but of course then I found out about the new boyfriend and that was what leveled me.

I just keep thinking if I wait it out a little bit I can get through it without needing to talk to a professional. I've never done that before. I find it intimidating. I dont know how my insurance would cover it. I dont want to ask the people in my corporate office about how my insurance would cover it for fear of a stigma.

Its tricky...

and all the advice about driving fast and motorcycles... the year my wife and I split up I bought a GSXR 750 and proceeded to spend the entire summer driving in a manner that somehow did not kill me or anyone else. Thankfully I didn't have any money and the chain snapped and took the case out with it, because I was taking unnecessary risks because I really just didn't care about my life anymore. So I'm not sure thats good advice.

Do these things:

• sleep

• eat

• work

• get out with friends

• exercise

time will be your best healer but those things will help you to pass the time you need.

Soon enough opportunity will present itself and you'll be ok.

Just keep your head down and move on. Be the man you are, pick yourself up, and move one foot at a time. We've all been there. You'll get better.

Even seen the movie Swingers?

Work on your car. Get dirty. Get in the garage. Play loud music. Do all the little things that need doing. Wash it. Drive it.

The best thing I ever did for my (chronic) depression is talk to my family doctor. He prescribed the lowest dosage of an anti-depressant (Lexapro 10mg) and also recommended a counsellor. The combination of both was tremendously helpful - my sleep has improved, my obsessive thinking / racing thoughts have ended, I'm much more energetic, cope better both with stress and in situations that would normally cause social anxiety. I'm also less "angsty"

You've made the first step, which is confiding in some lay people about your problem, and that's excellent - it took me about 10 years to reach that point. I'd suggest making the next step - see your family physician and see what he/she suggests.

To respond to the negative comments about medication - within 4 hours of taking the Lexapro, I felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted from me. Of course, the pharmacology of SSRI's affects everyone uniquely, but I found it was very effective.

andrave wrote: ...I just keep thinking if I wait it out a little bit I can get through it without needing to talk to a professional. I've never done that before. I find it intimidating. I dont know how my insurance would cover it. I dont want to ask the people in my corporate office about how my insurance would cover it for fear of a stigma. Its tricky...

True. It ism, but again, you should try. A lot of counselers will talk to you first for free and then have the discussion with your insurance company for you. Open the yellow pages and look.

Or try a support group, those are free. I had a freind go through a very dark time and after some prodding went to one. Not to be blase about it, but literally, it only took one meeting. She came back and said "Man, those peaple are really berekly'd up. I am fine." Turns out she was.

Don't wait, see a mental health professional NOW. Today. This afternoon. Right freaking now.

I'm not advocating antidepressants as the only solution, but they do work. Just because it didn't work for others doesn't mean it won't work for you. My wife had to try 3 or 4 different drugs before we found what worked and I got her back from 2 years of depression.

More importantly, however, you need to seek immediate help. If you've even considered suicide, even once, you need to do something about this problem NOW. As in grab the nearest phone and call a crisis hotline, call your PCP and get an urgent referral to a psychiatrist, so something, and do it immediately.

Don't worry about going on antidepressants as an attorney, mental health treatment is totally confidential and doesn't affect your license at all, at least here in NY where all we have to do is certify that we did our CLE. Once your depression is under control dealing with difficult things in life, even heartbreak like you are feeling now, will be managable.

Like others have said, counseling is great. If you are posting in a public forum, you may be comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings, so this could work well for you. If you don't like the first doctor you find, try another. Your HR people at work might be able to steer you to someone if you don't know the area. Make an appointment soon as it might be a few weeks away. Not really a walk-in type deal. Until the appointment, try writing your thoughts out, even if its on the mirror in the bathroom after you shower.

If you have any doubt about the quality of your sleep, you can have a sleep study done at a hospital. This wouldn't be related to your loss, but sleep apnea and other phyisical sleep related issues are largely undiagnosed and appear similar to depression. The goal isn't to use sleeping pills, but to ensure your body shape allows your to sleep properly. I'm a wreck if I don't have my sleep apnea mouth piece (retainer). That piece of plastic changed my life.

Again, excercise is an fantastic outlet. If you're a gearhead, bicycles or rowing can be fun as they add the mechanical aspect and when set up properly, will be low wear on your joints. If you rode bikes when you were young, this may give you a dose of nostalgia, too.

The dance class idea is good too, I would also suggest yoga/spinning/jazzercise/boxing-type group excercise class to be around others. Don't think of it as a way to meet a new girl, but to simply be social and physically active. It will also help with a routine.

Expression such art/music/stage can also be a great outlet. Even if you have no such talent. A community college or arts center will likely have sketching, painting, glass blowing, sculpture, etc. Volunteer with a local theater group and help in their tech group (backstage work) or tryout yourself. I find charcoal-portrait drawing relaxing but challenging as it has nothing to do with my school or work.

"My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.” -Charles Kettering

JFX001 wrote: There comes a day when you have to put on your big boy underwear and face Life.

This cracked me up! LOL

One of my favorites: order some Chinese takeout.

The Beck Depression inventory is a very simple way of quantifying your level of depression - readers might find it helpful to print it out and score it honestly:

www.maryreigel.com/media/beckdepression.pdf

andrave wrote: I just keep thinking if I wait it out a little bit I can get through it without needing to talk to a professional. I've never done that before. I find it intimidating. I dont know how my insurance would cover it. I dont want to ask the people in my corporate office about how my insurance would cover it for fear of a stigma.

You're a lawyer, right? Many states have some form of lawyer's assistance program for lawyers suffering from mental health issues, such as depression, substance abuse, etc. (All of which are quite common in our profession.) You may be able to get help from such a source without having to let people in your office know.

I think Tim and Joe hit the nail on the head. Find something to occupy your time with. Check the local newspaper for activities, hobby groups, focus groups, etc. Take a photography course. Take a course (something fun) at a community college. Stay that heck busy. Join a gym and work out. Just don't get obsessive. It looks like you aren't too far from Summit Point, so take road trip. Glad you don't drink much or take drugs. That's the absolute worst thing you could do.

I went through a pretty long down period after a breakup many years ago. I kept waiting for something to change, but nothing was happening.

I opened up to my father and he said that some people, you just don't get over. He mentioned a girlfriend who died suddenly when he was 15. He was still a little heartbroken about it and he was in his 60's.

In some odd way, this little bit of info helped drag me back up. I stopped waiting for things to change and started getting on with my life. It wasn't an immediate turnaround, but it really did help. I guess I accepted it and moved on.

Depression is not a good motivator.

Happiness begets happiness.

This seems like the kind of problem you should post on an internet forum full of total strangers

I have nothing more to offer except that when the E36 M3 gets too deep for me I go to the track and drive over the limit for a few hours. There are no other problems on the other side of the limit except grip.

Woody wrote: I opened up to my father and he said that some people, you just don't get over. He mentioned a girlfriend who died suddenly when he was 15. He was still a little heartbroken about it and he was in his 60's.

I had a girlfriend in high school where we were on and off all the time. Once a year some memory comes back and I miss her.

I have been married to a great woman for over 22 years and love her to death, but that one girlfriend........

I just figure the above is all nostalgia.

I feel for you man and I agree you need to find a bunch more interests and make yourself interesting.