Drewsifer wrote:
Let me start this thread by saying if you just want to spew moralistic crap at me, don't waste my time.
disclaimer: I'm in an open marriage. Judgements are not something I tend to accept. But this is my opinion and its based on what works for our relationship. It may have nothing to do with how yours is constructed. I will also use "he" and "she" pronouns for simplicity assuming we're talking heterosexually but I mean no offense in case its not.
My wife and I are going through some issues.
This is the kicker for me. If my wife and I are having issues, the "open" part stops temporarily. If there is something wrong with us there is a potential that any other person brought into the relationship may be from something that is lacking in our own relationship. As soon as you start replacing something that is missing by stepping out (emotionally or sexually) it can be a path full of dog turds waiting to be stepped in.
After we move we're gonna get into counseling for it.
A wise move. I am a big pro-counseling kinda guy. I'm VERY aware of my own feelings and emotions, but few things can compare to the powerful nature of bouncing those feelings off someone else. Many times people have this "thunderdome", two-opinions-enter-one-opinion-wins perception of counseling, as if the counselor is a judge and jury. As someone who is going back to school for my Master's in therapy and counseling, I can safely say that 90% of the therapists out there are not like that. Just do me one favor... surrender to the counselor and speak candidly. Seriously. It makes our jobs SOOOOO much easier if you just let the crap fly out of your mouth.
But here's the problem. We have a friend who has been my go to girl for venting my frustration at this situation. Worse, she's everything my wife isn't in this area. I realized recently that I've developed some rather strong feelings for her. And I'm not sure what to do. Obviously I'm not going to cheat on my wife.
First of all, kudos for identifying the nature of things. Secondly, kudos for being willing to share those emotions with others. Those two things tell me that you are good stock and you have a healthy confidence with your emotions.
I'm smart enough to know I can't tell my wife "be more like your friend". Or can I?
There is a time and place for everything. Often times in the company of a therapist the walls come down. A good therapist can set up the timbre of a session to be honest and non-judgmental. If you are fighting at home and you say, "why can't you be more like this girl," it won't fly. But if a therapist says, "tell her how you feel about her versus your friend," it tends to soften the blow. You have every right to want what you want, and if you have a clear example (like the friend), I think it would be massively helpful if its presented in a way that your wife can assimilate without malice. Imagine trying to describe a subtle shade of green to someone. When you see a car that is painted that exact shade of green you point it out. Not pointing it out is asking them to understand your vision without the tools to properly perceive it. Pointing it out in a constructive and loving way is a good way to clearly define your desires.
One thing I can say (from the perspective of an open marriage) is that it doesn't matter where the line is drawn, if you cross it, its damaging to the relationship. Each relationship is different and each one has its own "rules" whether implied or explicit. If you break those rules and do something that is outside what she considers acceptable, shame on you. For some couples, that means you can't hug some other girl unless you have permission. For some couples that means you can't have anal sex with some other girl more than twice per day in one zip code. Either way it doesn't matter where the line is, your relationship has implied "lines." If you are feeling a need to cross that line is means one of two things IMHO: 1) you and your mate have differing opinions on where the line is, or 2) something in your relationship is lacking and you are feeling the desire to step out and violate those rules.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about feeling the desire to tap some hot strange, but if it violates the rules it can be damaging.
I suggest taking cold showers until you both are able to define where you are, where you want to be, and if those places are close enough that you are willing to stick together. Its a scary thing. You are basically laying all your cards on the table in an effort to see if your hands work together or not. Just approach it from a place of love, not competition.
Right now my wife are in a "non-open" part and its frustrating, but my first obligation is to my commitment to the love of my life. Our line has been drawn back considerably. If she and I reach a point where our needs have exceeded the realm of flexibility and compromise, we would consider splitting, but stepping over that line before that has been determined would be a step in the wrong direction.
So many times couples get in trouble, then they step out of the boundaries and its a lost cause. Trust me, you'll be so much happier if you define why you want to step out in a discussion with your wife. Then you can determine if you want to work on the marriage or (forgive the bluntness) scrap it and move on.
