Habits/Routine to battle Depression?

In reply to Appleseed :

There is a Zen saying: Before enlightenment: Chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: Chop wood, carry water."

One of the interpretations is that, no matter what activity you are doing, no matter how far along the path you are, do the activity to the absolute best of your ability and any task will become meditative.

You don't think about peeling potatoes, you just peel the potatoes.

I've had some wild swings lately. I blame the frequency on knocking my head a while back, but I usually spend a good portion of the winter months down anyway. Nothing suicidal, but pretty extreme anyway. 
 

So I'll reiterate again what has been/is helpful for me. Finding something to look forward to. This week, I have a bunch. Reading a great book. I can only squeeze in a half hour or so a day, but I love it. 
Ive found some new music to listen to. Very much in the meditation vein. That's how I fall asleep. Generally when I'm feeling down I hate sleep, afraid of it. Finding a way to step outside of my own thoughts as I drift off is huge. Plus, it encourages me to sleep on my back, which helps my back and neck, both of which have been giving me issues of late. 
Then I got a phone call on Tuesday. A good friend and once band-mate asked if I'd be able to play an acoustic gig with him next Saturday. I have no idea how we'll fill 3 hours, but after last year (and this one so far) being able to dip into that scene again will be very welcome. 
And we filed our taxes. I'm one who generally gives the govt too much, but the return this year will pay off both cars and leave a little afterwards. Zero debt. What a thing. It's been years. 

After realizing that Lexapro wasn't for me, tried CBD tinctures for a few weeks. No tangible benefit and still sleeping like E36 M3 (like 1-2 nights per week with zero sleep). Have decided to give modern medicine another try so today took my first dose of Zoloft. Hoping it's useful. 

OHS:  That kind of poor sleep sounds brutal.  Hope Zoloft works for you, or some other solution is found.

pres589 (djronnebaum) said:

OHS:  That kind of poor sleep sounds brutal.  Hope Zoloft works for you, or some other solution is found.

It berkeleying sucks but I'm determined to get past it. Thank you

OHSCrifle said:

After realizing that Lexapro wasn't for me, tried CBD tinctures for a few weeks. No tangible benefit and still sleeping like E36 M3 (like 1-2 nights per week with zero sleep). Have decided to give modern medicine another try so today took my first dose of Zoloft. Hoping it's useful. 

Keep trying.  Meds don't usually fix everything but they can help you get a grip so you can work on stuff and when you're chronically over tired everything seems bad.

Zoloft wasn't it. Just read a good book though... 
 

Lost Connections by Johann Hari.

I recommend it highly. 

Revisiting this. Feeling decent. Not super but so much better than the low point of late winter 2021. No meds. 
 

That book in my last post absolutely was a turning point for the better.
 

Sleep is somewhat better, have been keeping a journal- and getting 5.5-6.5 hours most nights for the last couple months. Tried THC lemon drops on a trip to Arizona - didn't help my sleep. 
 

It was shocking how quickly I fell off a cliff mentally. Negative feeding negative..  just exponentially worse. But trending better. About to turn 50. I appreciate the fellowship around here. Be well. 

In reply to OHSCrifle :

Thanks for the update. So very glad to hear you are on a upswing. I struggle daily, but the only solution I've found is to just keep pushing through it. My daily is way worse than most folks would believe is survivable, but its been a constant companion for 45 years or so, so I have lots of practice 

The speed that negative can feed negative is a very appropriate description. My only way out of that is to try to distract "it," and me having a very "gallows humor" helps.

Finally getting a new to me, nice motorcycle, despite current life's financial problems, is helping already.

Being broke, is not causing my depression, nor other situational problems (although the "may you live in interesting times" curse is def. here), but it sure makes the tools to overcome it that much tougher.

Again, glad your overcoming the  (insert favorite derogatory description here), and keep on top of that cliff... or at least trying to climb it!

I get what you're saying 03Panther.  My motorcycle has been very therapeutic.  I can shut off outside influences and just focus wholly on the riding experience.  Phone tucked away, no email, no texts, just me and the machine.  

In reply to wawazat :

Doesn't (unfortunately) do as much for me as it did in my younger days - can't turn the thinkin' off as easy. 'Course ridin' to the the pubs was also a part of it back then, as well as just the solitude of a peaceful ride. Even if I did just drink water a lot, I don't even go to those places anymore, for many reasons.

If my wife could ride with me at all now, that would help, but its just a commuting tool now. But a 35 min peaceful ride both ways, should get back to helping.

Glad this came back up, been feeling like hot garbage the past few days.

Self-loathing is coming back, feel like no matter what I do, I'm not good enough. Work, home, etc. I'm finding fault with myself a lot lately.

Had to go deal with my aunt's estate at the beginning of last month and since then it's been rough. 

The truck I borrowed to drive back and haul some stuff home with broke down on the home stretch and left me stranded. I was able to borrow another truck from another friend to get the trailer home, then had to go back to get the first truck so a bunch of bills there.

My house insurance company dropped me like a hot rock when they found out my house had aluminum wire in it. Turns out my broker ten years ago lied to them. Had to do a bunch of work to the house to satisfy the new insurance company. More unexpected bills.

My aunt left me her car which was great but there were a few bills associated with getting it inspected and insured in my province.

Had to do some front end work on the wife's truck so more bills.

I was able to sell my truck and I was hoping to use the cash to do something fun for the wife and I but all the unexpected bills ate all the fun money from selling my truck.

It's all ended up being pretty revenue neutral but I feel like every time I start to get ahead lately, something kicks the chair out from under me.

I try to remind myself that I'm still pretty damn fortunate but I feel like somehow I'm dropping the ball and bringing this all on myself.

It also doesn't help that the anxiety is turning each of these issues into a huge problem in my mind.

I am in the best place I have ever been. A house of my own. Plenty of projects  (fun or otherwise) to occupy my time, a baby I'm watching turn into a person, a wife who loves me, its perfect. 

But every once in a while, the trash comes back. I have yet to find self acceptance, self esteem,  or the ability to control my anxiety. I've gotten really good at hiding these feelings, or a the lack of them. 

I need to get back on the bike. 18 months is too long. 

In reply to Appleseed :

Since I spent my entire childhood trying to please a dad who only knew how to teach by harping on how you did it wrong, I can tell ya, I'll never get to self acceptance. Know that a LONG time ago. But I did learn how to not allow it to consume me. Hiding feelings, or lack of, really hits the mark.

He is the reason I am good at so much, though, so focusing on that helps some.

Focus on the good, and laugh a lot is the only advise I have. But that does not give anyone the tools of HOW to do that.

ShawnG said:

I try to remind myself that I'm still pretty damn fortunate but I feel like somehow I'm dropping the ball and bringing this all on myself.

It also doesn't help that the anxiety is turning each of these issues into a huge problem in my mind.

I don't know you, or even much about you, from the few posts I've seen. But I can tell ya one thing in absolute... YOU are not bringing ALL of this on yourself, by dropping the ball! I dont know enough to have an informed opinion of every thing you have done in the described stuff. But I am POSITIVE all of it is not all your fault, and also feel confident to say that a fair bit of it is not even partially your fault.

I'm working 40 to 50 hr weeks, and not making enough to keep up with how expensive life is. And its getting worse. But I'm still less in the hole than most, and maybe getting a bit deeper, but I will not live long enough, even at this, to get as far in the hole as a lot. That make me pretty damned fortunate, as well!

I'm way too familiar with the anxiety that turns the mind to bad places, and nothing to offer, but just don't... not a lot of help, but is the truth!

And take if from me. If I guy that barely knows ya can see that you have no reason to go there (other than our problems pushing us there) I assure ya, others know it too!

Remember: Smile ( it makes people wonder what you up to!)

last week or two I've been relying heavily on crying and sleeping a lot. Not really helping but hey, whatever. 

Thanks guys, it helps.

The wife unit has fought with depression for years and It's been hard sometimes, being there for her and trying to help.

Now that it seems to be my turn, I'm having a hard time letting her know when I need help. She understands and she's always there for me but I feel like I'm being a burden on her. Makes me feel worse not better.

ShawnG said:

Thanks guys, it helps.

The wife unit has fought with depression for years and It's been hard sometimes, being there for her and trying to help.

Now that it seems to be my turn, I'm having a hard time letting her know when I need help. She understands and she's always there for me but I feel like I'm being a burden on her. Makes me feel worse not better.

Generally speaking it's better for both of you if you find a way to communicate both that you need some help and that you don't want to be a burden.  When she's struggling don't you want to provide support even if you're not in the best place?

Of course one of the benefits of counseling is that you have another resource to lean on and your spouse and friends don't have to do all of the heavy lifting.  Not that they mind but if you can access other resources, do it.

In reply to APEowner :

What this guy said.

For me lately, getting my family and friends, and myself vaccinated has been a huge relief. We're seeing each other again. Mostly without masks, too (the exception being the friend who is immunocompromised). I've been skating again. Getting on the ice is so good. 

My big issue though, is lack of sleep - mostly baby induced, but I'm not blameless as I need to stop watching old movies and using the phone - but that is making motivation to get back to the weights difficult. I lost 15 pounds in September and have kept it off. But I want lose another 15 pounds, and I want to get stronger. And just getting myself to clean up the basement so I can lift - it would take 20 minutes, tops - is impossible. 

Even if canoe. It is always  compelling to see this topic come back around.

My darkest times coincided with my kid being misdiagnosed with mental health issues. Turns out he has a genuine (not curable but hopefully manageable) physical health condition that presents like mental health. Starting to get that sorted after 2.5 years of chasing ghosts has helped my well being tremendously. 

Peace and love to all the rest of you. 

Glad to hear things are getting better and you have a diagnosis for your son. Sending peace and love back to your family.

1. berkeley canoes

2. I love y'all and hope you find something that works for you. 

Been a bit more of a struggle the last couple months. End of the racing season (for me), fall and less light. Wife's back in school, even though better, still tired and stressed. I'm paying more attention to taking my meds because none of the other methods do a lot. 

The worldwide negativity being off the charts doesn't help. Even this place has taken a serious direction change in attitude. Being someone that feeds their own emtional bank off of others its a very trying time.

In reply to bobzilla :

I get it.

Just sold my "fun" car after having it for 9 years and then closed up shop for the winter. It will soon be too cold for my nightly walk.

Im going to focus on eating less to to counter the lack of exercise and spend more time writing instead of following way to many things on You Tube. Maybe fire up some video games too.  

Lets see if this plan works, someone check in with me in late January.