how do you tell someone they need to stop driving?

My mother-in-law has been on disability for a long time now, she has a few mental issues, I think she's got paranoid schizophrenia, but I may be wrong.

Anyway, bigger roads bother her, she always takes side streets and back roads to get to the grocery store, gas station etc. Lately, she's been having some seizures in her sleep, and one doctor thinks she may have Epilepsy. He told her to wear sunglasses when she drives, and even in stores with bright florescent lights.

She told my wife the other day that lately if she looks off the side of the road at something, she forgets to look away and starts to drift off the road and towards whatever it is she's looking at.

She won't tell the doctor because she's afraid they'll take her license away. I don't blame her for not wanting that, because I know that I would be crushed if my license was gone, but I fear for her, or someone else's safety were she to drift off the road, over correct and have a very serious accident.

How should we approach her about it? She's stubborn, and is likely to get pissed off, but we just want her to know that the only reason we're trying to do this is because we care about her and doesn't want her to get hurt or hurt herself.

Anyone have any suggestions about how to approach this?

Pull the spark plug wires, she won't get far.

EvanB wrote: Pull the spark plug wires, she won't get far.

I prefer the fuel pump relay. that's usually under a cover, less obvious.

That would work if it had plug wires.

My grandparents on my mom's side are at this point. Their four kids make it a point to be available to run errands, etc several times a week.

Kenny_McCormic wrote:

EvanB wrote: Pull the spark plug wires, she won't get far.

I prefer the fuel pump relay. that's usually under a cover, less obvious.

Probably a better Idea. The first thing my grandmother did was pull a set of points and a screwdriver out of the junk drawer. It was an 08 Accord but I was impressed she had hidden my grandfathers emergency kit for so long. We ended up selling the car while she wasn't paying attention.

When my wife retired she volunteered to take her 95yo aunt shopping and to the doctors some. This helped her see that she wouldn't be stranded.

Then when she got the bills for insurance and tags on her 63 Buick I seized the opportunity. I took the car to the mechanic she had been using for years to get an oil change.

While there I had him make an estimate to fix all the things that were wrong with the car. None of them were absolutely must do to keep it running things. Just stuff like replacing a rusted bumper bracket, etc.

When the repair estimate, insurance and tags came out to be ~$5k she decided it was time to quit driving.

BoostedBrian wrote: She told my wife the other day that lately if she looks off the side of the road at something, she forgets to look away and starts to drift off the road and towards whatever it is she's looking at.

I really, really wish I had some advice to make it easy, or easier. But I'm afraid all I've got is that the above statement means it's very, very important.

It would be terrible if she drove into a parked car, but imagine if she hit a kid riding his bike down the shoulder.

ransom wrote:

BoostedBrian wrote: She told my wife the other day that lately if she looks off the side of the road at something, she forgets to look away and starts to drift off the road and towards whatever it is she's looking at.

I really, really wish I had some advice to make it easy, or easier. But I'm afraid all I've got is that the above statement means it's very, *very* important. It would be terrible if she drove into a parked car, but imagine if she hit a kid riding his bike down the shoulder.

My thoughts exactly. Either that or dropping two tires onto the shoulder and over correcting into oncoming traffic.

My brother and I were just discussing this today as well as elder parent planning. Dad averages 10K/ yr, always been a good driver and I spot check him regularly. He has some night vision loss but then so do I, he has gotten flipped off by asshat drivers for driving the speed limit but so have I. He can still do a five hour driving stint w/ rest stops. No dents, dings, scratches on the... yes... it's a Buick, and I can't find anything wrong w/ his eyesight, reactions or driving.

Dad doesn't consider himself old and will comment off the wall about the 'old people' in the doctors office or their driving. Dad turned 89 last month and is considering a new Buick. Yea, he's an anomaly.

But back to the OP... the elder driver should know their limits and concede when the time comes. I know that would be one of the toughest life decisions I would ever have to make but to be totally honest and responsible w/ oneself... you must do it.

My advice would be to have the one person who she religiously listens to (there's always one friend or family member) have 'the talk' w/ her. If she is resistant be subtle but... gang up on her till she gets it.

good link:

http://nihseniorhealth.gov/olderdrivers/howagingaffectsdriving/01.html

ransom wrote:

BoostedBrian wrote: She told my wife the other day that lately if she looks off the side of the road at something, she forgets to look away and starts to drift off the road and towards whatever it is she's looking at.

I really, really wish I had some advice to make it easy, or easier. But I'm afraid all I've got is that the above statement means it's very, *very* important. It would be terrible if she drove into a parked car, but imagine if she hit a kid riding his bike down the shoulder.

"The Talk" should happen soon. VERY soon. Please.

If you don't mind spending money you can pay people to do an evaluation. Then it is someone elses decision not yours.

Yeah, no passive-aggressive plug wire pulling, por favor. Somebody's gonna have to have the talk. If she doesn't want to listen to reason, I don't think there's much else you can/should do.

She's not elderly, she just turned 52. I think that will make this that much more difficult. Her mental illness makes it hard for her to focus, and the risk of seizures has heightened it all.

In reply to BoostedBrian:

Docs need to know... like yesterday

If you do this, guide her through the process of renting a cab and getting her a regular driver. You can rent a lot of cabs for the price of operating a car and a regular driver makes it more like a luxury than slumming it.

No cabs here as far as I know, small town kentucky.

My mother is in her middle 80's and has fought us on most of the critical decisions that face us. She has really declined in the last 3 months. Our biggest problem is that she doesnt want to cede control on anything and will lie to prevent it. She usually spends her winters near Melbourne Fla so we are going to have the Talk soon.
I find that all you can do is talk and try to reason. Dont expect her to agree on the first confrontation. Mom eventually changes as we have suggested but usually only after she scares herself. Luckily she hasnt driven thru the front window of CVS yet.

I'm involved in a huge fight over keys right now. My great aunt (we're her closest relatives, she never had any kids) simply cannot drive anymore--she can barely walk. We tried to reason with her, we tried to have the discussion, she simply wasn't having it. Then about a year or two ago, she had to go into the hospital for emergency surgery. Mom just went and took all the keys. She brings it up every single time we see her, but the fact is she is a danger to herself and to everybody else on the road.

I really wish she could have made the decision on her own, but we did what needed to be done.

I knew someone who ran her battery down. The family told her the car was broken beyond repair.

BoostedBrian wrote: No cabs here as far as I know, small town kentucky.

You get the point though, right? There is SOME form of transit other than her driving herself around. Find that. Get it done.

Pulling the spark plugs out or the fuel pump relays or running the battery down or even disconnecting the battery would do the trick. But what really baffles me is that why don't you or your wife sit down with your mother-in-law and try to talk her out of driving. I mean, a plain, traditional conversation is certainly more efficient than pulling out the spark plugs or fuel pump relays or disconnecting batteries. I mean, she could call an auto-repair shop or something while both you and your wife are not there and have the car fixed, right? Having a friendly chat with your mother-in-law and making her realize the risks she exposes herself to if she continues to drive might just be the best solution.

Write a passionate letter to google and ask them for a self driving car?

My dad had big problems when his father was around 85 and simply couldn't drive anymore. His dad got really pissed, but he just wasn't capable of driving safely anymore, his eyesight and his reaction time was just too slow. Even getting into two fairly major accidents in as many months wasn't enough to convince him. Eventually my dad and his brother just showed up, and said "You're not driving anymore," took the keys, and waited until the cursing stopped. It was kinda sad, because I know how much driving meant to him, he thought of driving as I do, but it was just unsafe at that point. Sometimes you just have to force them to quit cold turkey.

Hal wrote: When my wife retired she volunteered to take her 95yo aunt shopping and to the doctors some. This helped her see that she wouldn't be stranded. Then when she got the bills for insurance and tags on her 63 Buick I seized the opportunity. I took the car to the mechanic she had been using for years to get an oil change. While there I had him make an estimate to fix all the things that were wrong with the car. None of them were absolutely must do to keep it running things. Just stuff like replacing a rusted bumper bracket, etc. When the repair estimate, insurance and tags came out to be ~$5k she decided it was time to quit driving.

This sounds like a great idea.

I was very worried about coming to this with my father. He started driving around the farm when he was 12, and was driving trucks interstate when he was 14. One of the best drivers I've ever ridden with. And driving was something he always loved. Thankfully as his eyesight was getting worse and his reactions slowed down, he knew that he wasn't the safest driver on the road and allowed his wife to take over the driving.