How I got my speeding ticket

It all started simply enough - "$5.37"  That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. Sound innocuous doesn't it?

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."  

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 66,  not even 67 yet! A mere child! Senior citizen?  I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I have no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: HUNGER! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time." All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius... And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

carguy123 wrote: It all started simply enough - "$5.37"  That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. Sound innocuous doesn't it?

No. You went to Taco Bell. That is almost never a good idea, and usually the only times that it actually is a good idea you should be inebriated, if doing it correctly.

I thought senior citizen was 65.

Well written, sir.

neon4891 wrote: I thought senior citizen was 65.

Yep, that'll cheer him right up!!!

Actually some places start Senior discounts at 55

Nicely done, did you beat the Prius though, cause if ya didna you deserve all of the above

Besides get it all out of your system while you are young, the new Ohio street racing law would have meant your vehicle would be seized and crushed

I can beat a Prius on foot!

On that note, once upon a time in the late 70's or early 80's, I can't remember which. I was test driving a 240D Mercedes Sedan and I was complaining to the sales person about the lack of power and he kept telling me that the car was actually going faster than it felt due to the unique powerband of a diesel engine.

I'd finally had enough so at an on ramp to an unbusy freeway I got out and actually did beat the car up the ramp. Needless to say we passed on the car.

I feel SO much better now. I'm not the El Mas Viejo here. Whew.

I once kicked my wife for speaking up when we were offered a senior discount. Well, she was offered the discount, after being asked if she was buying clothes for her son :P

I'll take a further 10% any way I can get it.

Best moving violation story of the year, don't feel too bad old man, I'm only 30 and already forgetting my keys/groceries/wallet at the u-scan-it console.

ansonivan wrote: Best moving violation story of the year, don't feel too bad old man, I'm only 30 and already forgetting my keys/groceries/wallet at the u-scan-it console.

I'm 24, and i lock my keys in my car on a weekly basis. But only in the Celica.

Although recently, i locked them in the Escort after dropping the girlfriend off at work. I dropped her off, went a mile or so down the road to Fedex, locked my keys in the car, realized it before i went in the door. Shipped my E36 M3, asked the nice lady behind the counter if i could leave my car there for awhile, and then walked back up to her work to get the spare key. It was single digits. I was cold. She was freaked out. I laughed.

Yep. It's gotten to the point that i can only laugh at myself.

Oh yeah. And the day that i left my keys to the MX6 in the Celica after i played car shuffle in the driveway. The MX6 was still running (loose ignition cylinder), so i drove it work, jammed a screwdriver in there to turn it off, and worked my shift. Came back out, and lo and behold, the screwdriver wouldn't START the car.

That was a fun phone call. "Honey, can you break into the Celica to get my keys to the MX6, then drive downtown to give me the key to the MX6?"

Outstanding!! Sorry for the ticket, but that made me laugh. I needed a good laugh after today. Thanks!

mistanfo wrote: I once kicked my wife for speaking up when we were offered a senior discount. Well, she was offered the discount, after being asked if she was buying clothes for her son :P I'll take a further 10% any way I can get it.

When I was 29 and was trying to get a former coworker a job at my new company I took him shopping for an "interview suit" (we were both ex military so our clothing decisions had been pre determined for a few years) he was 22 or so. While trying on one suit the saleslady herded him toward me while saying "we should see what your father thinks"......ow.

A year later at 30 I was helping my GF shop for a formal dress for an event we were attending....similar father comment from the salesperson...but she was only 18 so I'll deal with it ;)

That is the best ticket story in the world, maybe even better than my friend Roy (another GRM reader) blasting past this SUV and realizing it said S H E R I F F in the back.

But, my locking keys in car is so epic that I doubt anyone will ever stop reminding me.

The red CRX's driver's door lock was broken, no biggie I was used to it and never locked the keys in there. That was until I decided I was going to drive 5+ hrs to Ohio to autox, well Ohio just sucks and apparently I finally got lost less than 1 mile from the site. No biggie, I pull over to the side of the road and leave the car running and head to one of the other autocrossers following me to see if they have any clue where we should be going. It is then that I realize, crikey I just locked myself out of the car which is on the side of the road and running. AAA came a long time later, the guy actually laughed when I explained what had happened.

That still doesn't beat my brother and I testing how far a 93 Accord will go after the empty light comes on. 68.x miles if I remember right, it was late at night as my brother was picking me up from school since I didn't have a car back then. When my sister in law called all my brother said was "Hey hon, I beat the old record." Then she sighed and hung up on him.

After an outing like that Carguy, I'm surprised you didn't have enough frustration to be on the next episode of "Cops" for duking out an unsuspecting ticket pusher.

Bwahahahahaaaa

In reply to carguy123:

1- LOL x 5.

2- I hope that story is fiction

3- If you're still racing and eating Taco Bell, you're not old!

Pure fiction. Well not exactly pure. I took a short joke and threw in a couple of real life happenings to flesh it out. I absolutely refuse to say what parts are real life!!!!

Great read, regardless!

Next time let her get her own damn taco.

Great writing! And, I feel your pain. I'm not quite as ancient as you (after all, I've never actually SEEN a real live gladiator in action ) but I feel your pain my friend.

DrBoost wrote: Great writing! And, I feel your pain. I'm not quite as ancient as you (after all, I've never actually SEEN a real live gladiator in action ) but I feel your pain my friend.

Oh yeah, now I feel a whole lot better. That's like the first time someone called me Sir. That'l get your dobber down.

carguy123 wrote:

DrBoost wrote: Great writing! And, I feel your pain. I'm not quite as ancient as you (after all, I've never actually SEEN a real live gladiator in action ) but I feel your pain my friend.

That's like the first time someone called me Sir.

I call everyone Sir or Ma'am, always have. A woman at a bank once asked me if I was raised in the South or in the Military.

None of the above, just polite.

Good story!

While on a work business trip a few of us at work went to lunch at a buffet place. The girl at the cash register rung me up for senior discount without even asking my age. Which was 50 at time (51 now). I didn't complain about the discount, saved money for beer. Another guy with us got a little miffed at getting the senior discount, especially when the girl stated that she based it on the amount of grey hair he had. He said he cut the grey out of his hair then got a little more miffed when we told him it didn't work. I think he was 48 when this occurred. We razzed him some only because he didn't take it well. He finally conceeded that for the couple bucks discount seniors got there it was worth being called a senior. He just didn't like not being asked and automatically counted as one. Plus that meant his chance with the cash register chickadee just went down drastically.

In reply to 914Driver:

I NEVER say Ma'am unless it's a cop or Customs agent. I tend to say Miss instead. I've had too many, "Who are you calling ma'am?" moments.