How Much is it Worth to be Near Family?

I live in central Ohio. My brother and his family, and my Aunt and Uncle (and now one of my cousins and her partner) live in the DC Metro area. I would love to be near them, especially my brother's family, since they have two young daughters, and my wife and I are not ever going to have kids.

But the DC Metro area is a LOT more expensive than Ohio, and is a place I would not want to live otherwise.

I've got an interview scheduled at a brewery near there (in Maryland, just north of DC) coming up, but am seriously considering if the extra cost and headache of the DC Metro area would be worth seeing family more easily/regularly.

I would get paid more, but my wife wouldn't, and she is handily the larger earner (about 2/3 greater salary than me).

In Ohio, we're doing quite well for ourselves. Not rolling in excess cash, but it takes minimal effort to manage our finances and we can pretty much say, "berkeley it, let's spend money to make this easier," as often as we hit that point. We make enough that we could be comfortable in DC Metro, but it would require actually paying attention to our finances and cutting back on some expenses.

As a simple litmus, we spend about $1,000/month on mortgage, and we'd probably be looking at doubling that if we moved (assuming a 3 bedroom house, with parking for our three cars, with current interest rates and MD property taxes).

I'd been frustrated with my work situation for a while, but things have gotten a lot better. I've got more meaningful tasks to keep me busy. I got a raise. Working with the new bar manager is a joy. The long term state of the company is looking a lot better. I've had a lot more leeway to play around with pet projects.

I'd been itching to move, but I'm feeling less motivated about it now.

I'll probably drive out for that interview just to check things out and see what they would actually offer. But I'm leaning much more strongly in favor of staying where I'm at. If this job were in Richmond, VA, or someplace more low key and less expensive, it would be a lot more appealing. If moving to DC is the wrong choice for me, I'd prefer to let them know sooner rather than later.

If we don't move, we could easily visit 3-5 times/year. I think my wife get 4 or 5 week of PTO each year (same company for 20+ years), and I basically have free flexibility as long as I fit it into the production schedule that is mostly things just sitting.

It sounds like you are being honest with yourself, and that the big picture of moving may not be as rosy as it seems initially. 
 

I have 5 kids and 2 grandkids who I love dearly and really want to be near. But they all live in Atlanta, and I would absolutely hate living there. It's not a good fit for me. 
 

Since you have decent finances now, could you plan a vacation/ road trip every other month for a long weekend visit with them?

I do live about 80 miles NW of DC, and I successionally have/had to go into DC for customer work. If your commute is in the same direction as all of the other lemmings, it's going to be seriously unpleasant so I would keep an eye on very local cost of living near the brewery.

Also, from a career perspective, would this new job be a step up the greasy pole of career advancement, or more a case of same E36 M3, different building?

BoxheadTim said:

Also, from a career perspective, would this new job be a step up the greasy pole of career advancement, or more a case of same E36 M3, different building?

This would be NNE of DC. I don't like the traffic around here. Ohio drivers may be stupid, but my commute is 20 minutes at low traffic. ~25 at rush hour. 30-40 is "horrible" traffic around here.

This wouldn't really be a step up in career advancement. Same E36 M3, different building.

SV reX said:

It sounds like your are being honest with yourself, and that the big picture of moving may not be as rosy as it seems initially.

Moving could still be positive, but I think I would need to get >1 hour outside of DC.

Driving to DC for a few long weekends makes way more financial sense.

SV reX said:

Since you have decent finances now, could you plan a vacation/ road trip every other month for a long weekend visit with them?

Almost certainly.

I think this is probably the conversation my wife and I need to have. How much of her PTO would make sense to dedicate to visiting my brother, or how often I go visit without her.

...or if there is an option for her to set up a work space at my brother's or aunt's house so that she doesn't need to use as much PTO. That would be well worth dropping a couple grand for a office setup for her.

In reply to Beer Baron :

Those sound like really good interim ideas. If you start spending more time there and you both find you enjoy it, then the move might make sense. 

I think your idea of visiting is a good one, just make it happen from time to time.  I've  never been one to move for the sake of moving, and if this doesn't represent a significant career improvement, I'd be staying where you are, especially if your wife's salary exceeds yours.  What's her take on this idea?

If you haven't experienced DC traffic, there really is no way to describe it.  I've made the trip north from Richmond to North Jersey countless times, but for the last eight years or so, I've been adding an hour by going west to I-81 because an extra hour is better than the certain hell of I-95 through the DC area.

In reply to 1988RedT2 :

Last year we visited several times. She went out 3 times. I made it out 5 or 6.

DC traffic stressed me out, and I know I wasn't hitting the peak.

Wife is on board with whatever. She would like the social aspect of having "her people" readily available. But we *really* like our house and love our neighborhood. Our property backs up onto woods and we sit on the back patio and can't see anyone.

Beer Baron said:

BoxheadTim said:

Also, from a career perspective, would this new job be a step up the greasy pole of career advancement, or more a case of same E36 M3, different building?

This would be NNE of DC. I don't like the traffic around here. Ohio drivers may be stupid, but my commute is 20 minutes at low traffic. ~25 at rush hour. 30-40 is "horrible" traffic around here.

This wouldn't really be a step up in career advancement. Same E36 M3, different building.

That's not an area that I'm overly familiar with other than driving to BWI and visiting Ikea in College Park MD. My impression during the few visits was that traffic seems to be worse than what I usually deal with between here and DC.

Between what you said above and some of your other comments, it does sound like you would expect to take both a pay cut from the perspective of your spending power, and probably a cut in your quality of life.

How close would you be to your family in that area? Would it actually enable you to see them more often, or would getting a "facilities upgrade" so your wife cold use less PTO actually lead to seeing more of the family?

This is interesting perspective because it's the exact opposite of my situation. Neither my wife nor I truly want to live where we live and are only here because it's important to her to be near to family. Her parents and grandmother, my parents and my sister (and her family) all live within 20 minutes of us. 

I love my family. I love her family. I feel zero need to be physically near them. My wife does. 

Although I try on a weekly basis to get her to move, I've said that I will stay here until I'm 50 (once our youngest is out of high school) and then I'm out and really, really hope she comes with me.

Life is short. Live where you want to live and if where you want to live is near family, I think you should do that. 

BoxheadTim said:

How close would you be to your family in that area? Would it actually enable you to see them more often, or would getting a "facilities upgrade" so your wife cold use less PTO actually lead to seeing more of the family?

Probably 40-60 minutes away, as opposed to a 6.5 hour drive. We could absolutely do day visits.

Honestly, it would probably make more sense to move to Richmond and take a $5k pay cut. Even making less than here, it would put us ahead on discretionary spending power compared to DC. We'd like Richmond better than DC. We'd probably visit family just as often being 2 hours away as 1 hour away.

The big thing is: I want to have a regular relationship with my brother. I want to feel like a part of my nieces' lives. I want them to have an attachment to the Uncle Cameron.

That said... from here, I'll be able to spend as much time with them as I spent with my Aunt growing up, and I have a good relationship with her (as long as we don't get too into politics).

Check northern VA too.

To me, living within an hour of family is so important. 

Ive got friends (actually my best friend is in northern VA, Fredricksburg) that are 5 hours from their parents/family and when something happens and they NEED to be there it's a huge headache.

And if something bad happens hours seem like days.

Plus, DC is pretty cool. 

hybridmomentspass said:

Check northern VA too.

Staying with brewing/distilling, I'm just looking at what jobs pop up and where they are located. Not as much option to be selective of focusing on a particular area. At least not at my experience/salary level.

In reply to Beer Baron :

how far NNE of DC makes a big difference, as there really isn't a dead zone between DC and Baltimore like there was when i left that area in 1993.

i second the "stay in OH and make a long weekend trip 3-6x per year as schedules allow"

driving from Richmond VA to any DC suburb with any regularity will make dying in a fire seem pleasant

Man, It's a tough call. I did it a few years ago and not 100% happy with it but that is me.

One thing to ask yourself is will they be more available living there. You think oh it's great to be to be close but you end up not seeling them much more than when you live further away. When you come into town now, it's an event. They schedule it, people clear schedules, etc. When you get closer, it's easier to say oh they are just xxx away and we have things happening, we will see them next weekend. Especially after being away for awhile. 

Just playing somewhat of a devil's advocate here. 

There are calculators to estimate the cost of living in various areas.

There is a big difference in what your life is going to be like being outside of DC if you're living in Chestertown, Maryland versus Glen Burnie, Maryland, too. 

I've lived hundreds of miles away from my family for decades. The distance does suck, but if you're going to remain DINKs, going to visit family in another town is usually a fun time, as you get to see family and break up the routine on a weekend trip. Having them around DC also opens up all of the attractions in that area, as well as any concerts that may hit the DC Metro area and miss Ohio.

Beer Baron said:

This would be NNE of DC. I don't like the traffic around here. Ohio drivers may be stupid, but my commute is 20 minutes at low traffic. ~25 at rush hour. 30-40 is "horrible" traffic around here.

Most of my thoughts have already been covered in others' posts, but my personal experience is that I lived in suburban Maryland NE of DC for several years and do not ever want to move back, even though my wife has family there.  YMMV.

bmw88rider said:

Man, It's a tough call. I did it a few years ago and not 100% happy with it but that is me.

One thing to ask yourself is will they be more available living there. You think oh it's great to be to be close but you end up not seeling them much more than when you live further away. When you come into town now, it's an event. They schedule it, people clear schedules, etc. When you get closer, it's easier to say oh they are just xxx away and we have things happening, we will see them next weekend. Especially after being away for awhile. 

Just playing somewhat of a devil's advocate here. 

That's true. That's one of the reasons I don't live in ATL near my family. They've got lives. I know I won't see them more if I am there. 
 

I try to make the trip once a month. 

I live 12 minutes from one daughter, 6.5 hours from the other.  Talk to the far one more often.

I would also suggest that moving five (of the 6) hours closer to your family, at the expense of your wife's income and your commuting sanity is completely not the same as moving in a block away from them.

bmw88rider said:

One thing to ask yourself is will they be more available living there. You think oh it's great to be to be close but you end up not seeling them much more than when you live further away. When you come into town now, it's an event. They schedule it, people clear schedules, etc. When you get closer, it's easier to say oh they are just xxx away and we have things happening, we will see them next weekend. Especially after being away for awhile. 

that is a great point and is exactly how distance has played out in my life. when we visit from 450 miles away, we get friends and family together who are local to each other and don't see each other except for when we come to town.  then when we're leaving, everyone says "you should visit more often, it's so great to see you and _____ (insert names of locals they could see every weekend but don't)!!!"

We're in an opposite situation.  Near my wife's family.  She has brothers so that means we're the husbands family who they spend the least time with.  We have a nice home with an affordable mortgage, but would like to leave the area for a warmer climate.

I think we'd see her family about the same amount if we move.  As it is now, living close to each other, we spend the most time together when we're all at the beach for a week and major holidays.    

Streetwiseguy said:

I would also suggest that moving five (of the 6) hours closer to your family, at the expense of your wife's income and your commuting sanity is completely not the same as moving in a block away from them.

Very true. I think this is also a good thing to factor into locations we'd consider. There are lots of places that are closer to them that I'd be excited to move to, even without family nearby. The only thing that attracts me to this location is proximity to family.

My brother visits our Aunt a lot. But they're like 15 minutes away. 15 minutes is a lot different from 45. Especially when they effectively serve the role of grandparents who can watch the kids.

In reply to Beer Baron :

Have you tried Fredericksburg (right between DC and Richmond) or Winchester VA? Decently cheaper than proper northern VA.  I've seen some breweries in Fredericksburg and Stafford. 

I moved from Southern California to Texas to the DMV. I too thought it would be too expensive to live here but once you get acclimated, it isn't that expensive because the pay here is pretty good (unsure about the brewing industry). Now, my wife and I are looking to settle down here permanently.

I can't speak for the job in MD that you were looking at, I believe that was in the Baltimore area which is its own separate metropolitan from DC.