How to tell a friend that they are becoming a Psycho?

So I have a good friend that I have been friends with since we were kids. He has never been a good decision maker, even now that he's 36 years old. He's been dating a the same girl now for 3 years and they live with each other. She already had two kids and one had a psychological issue due to some abuse from the biological grandfather on his fathers side and had to go to a facility unfortunately. The older brother is 15 and a typical know-it-all/smart ass teenager.

My buddies girlfriend basically gave him free reign to be the enforcer for discipline, however, I think that he always takes it too far. Almost everything that comes out of the kids mouth annoys my buddy and there's been a couple times I've told my buddy to chill the hell out, that he's letting things that don't matter get under his skin. He fights with the kid all the time. There was an adult from our childhood that he despised how they treated him and I have pointed out that he doing exactly that to the kid. He is on the kids ass about every single little thing.

The kid got caught supposedly sexting his girlfriend and they took his phone away for a while. The kid went out and bought his own phone so he could continue texting his girlfriend. My buddy the other day found the kids phone with a text that said "Hey Sexy" on it and he flipped out and took the kids phone and drilled the cameras out of the phone.

Yes, he took a drill and drilled the cameras out of the phone. This to me is psychotic behavior. This is E36 M3 my psychotic mother would have made my stepdad do if we had smartphones in the 90's.

I feel like I need to say something (again), not only does it bother me, but they bring their crap to my house and I really don't like it. I've said things to him before, but he doesn't seem to heed my advice. I'm probably wasting my time, but it burns me every time I hear this crap.

Sexting pictures of yourself at that age is also known as trafficking child pornography.  I would drill my kid's phone, too.

How does the mother react after he disciplines the kid?  What about the father (if he's around)?  I could see these answers driving a lot of your friend's issues.

Personally, I cut people out of my life when stuff like this happens.  If the person is really important I would suggest finding a way to help create positive shared experiences for the two of them and try to get your friend to focus on that.  My wife always says that it's important to balance a negative with two positives.

pushrod36 said:

Sexting pictures of yourself at that age is also known as trafficking child pornography.  I would drill my kid's phone, too.

Drill it if he's creating and sending more child porn, sure, but not over the words "Hey Sexy." And it sounds like that's just one small part of a pattern of behavior.

If youve already mentioned it to him and got no response you need to be really really blunt with him with zero wiggle room, something along the lines of " Hey, you are way too hard on the kid and i dont want that E36 M3 in my life" or something like that.

If hes a good friend and/or person that will make him think. If hes not either......you dont want that E36 M3 in your life anyway

True story

My wife has a good friend she taught with for years.    My wife taught this lady's son, who was dyslexic, many years ago.  He is now in his 30s, married kids etc.  These people come from money and have money, but are not a-holes.   A couple of weeks ago, the whole family was at a nearby lake and the son and his father got into a heated argrument over grandpas disciplining the grandkids.  Seems he was a might overbearing and son said so.  Grandpa got mad and went back to the house.  When the son returned to the house, grandpa stepped out of the bushes and shot his son in the stomach.   It was mess and the son coded several times.  He is still alive as far as I know.  How the hell someone can do that to his son over something like that is beyond me.   My point is stay the hell out of it.      

GameboyRMH said:

pushrod36 said:

Sexting pictures of yourself at that age is also known as trafficking child pornography.  I would drill my kid's phone, too.

Drill it if he's creating and sending more child porn, sure, but not over the words "Hey Sexy." And it sounds like that's just one small part of a pattern of behavior.

Well like I said, supposedly sexting. They found his pictures on his phone, but nothing else, none of her, no texts. So if he did it, he covered half his tracks. 

Sorry, but drilling the phone? Just take the goddamn thing away and be done with it. Stop with the stupid display of authority. 

In reply to spitfirebill :

Hard to stay out of it when it’s brought to me, at my house. I guess I’m just going to have to tell them to stay away if they can’t stop their E36 M3. 

Take him out for a beer and have a real talk. Ask why he's so hard on the kid. Ask if what he's doing was like what was done to him. Ask him if there is something you could do to help him. Be civil. Be honest. If this person knows you, and is your freind, it might/should make an impression on him. You care enough to take it this far. Go a little further.

First thing, is do you think the children are being abused? If so, a call to DCFS may be in order. Tread very carefully here--don't want to ruin anyones life, but you also need to think of the children first (which is what you're doing). 

In reply to mtn :

No, I’m pretty sure there’s no abuse going on, the girlfriend wouldn’t tolerate that and my buddies dad would probably beat the living hell out of him if he found that out, plus the dad owns the house they’re living in and he wouldn’t think twice about kicking them out to the curb.  

Also, for reasons I’m not getting into, he could get in big trouble if any abuse was happening. 

The last response seems rather telling. I'll paraphrase that response as... 

If he was hitting/hurting the kid, someone in the family would hit/hurt the adult even more so. 

Good luck with all that. 

Personally I would take a big ol' step away from that whole situation. No excuses, just "I gotta take a break from you". You've made your position clear, he's made the choice not to listen. You mentioned he bring his stress to you, but you don't have to make yourself available, just tell him no. 

Walk away. 

Don't get involved and frustrated over something you have no control over.

Dude. Bail. 

I vote stay the berkeley out of it. Unless he’s physically abusing the wife/kids, or asks for your opinion, it’s really none of your bee’s wax anyway.

He is trying to parent a 15 year old son of a girl he's known for 3 years. What you see is just a brief glimpse of a what is probably a very difficult relationship for him. If you want to talk to him about how to parent you should talk to him about the whole thing-not just dismiss him because he seems to be responding badly to a situation that is full of built in conflict. If you don't want to deal with that burden then just build in some space to your relationship and be glad he has to deal with it and not you.

Best parenting advice I ever got was something along the lines of, "Are you prepared to go to war over this issue?  If so, win.  If not, just let it go."

He is in a bad position, because he is supposed to be a father figure, but he had no idea at all how to do it.  Tell him to back off, and tell the girlfriend to put on her big girl pants and be a goddam mother.

Streetwiseguy said:

Best parenting advice I ever got was something along the lines of, "Are you prepared to go to war over this issue?  If so, win.  If not, just let it go."

He is in a bad position, because he is supposed to be a father figure, but he had no idea at all how to do it.  Tell him to back off, and tell the girlfriend to put on her big girl pants and be a goddam mother.

+100000000000000

After thinking about it a while, I just decided to let it be. I’ve already given him advice and he has chosen not to heed it in any way. The kid isn’t in any danger and I don’t know why the girlfriend lets my buddy play Robocop all the time. 

I’m just going to let them burn all the bridges and let them continue on with their ass-backward ways. He’s been a good friend, but I got enough drama in my own personal life. 

Streetwiseguy said:

Best parenting advice I ever got was something along the lines of, "Are you prepared to go to war over this issue?  If so, win.  If not, just let it go."

 

Ain't that the God-damned truth.  I need to make that into a bumper sticker, or a tatoo.  

volvoclearinghouse said:

Streetwiseguy said:

Best parenting advice I ever got was something along the lines of, "Are you prepared to go to war over this issue?  If so, win.  If not, just let it go."

 

Ain't that the God-damned truth.  I need to make that into a bumper sticker, or a tatoo.  

Second best advice was- you ain't ready. 

I think you're making the right choice. As long as the kids aren't in danger, this is just none of your business. 

Drilling the phone was way out of line. A hot air rework station and a set of ESD-safe tweezers will get the camera out of there much more cleanly.

Seriously, I think Mr. Joshua may have summed this up best. Guy's had no kids suddenly finds he's got to raise a teenager. He's learning to swim by jumping into a streambed at flood stage. I'm not sure what I'd do in the situation. I'd try to be there by being with him without the kids and let him decide if he wants to talk about it or not, but I probably wouldn't want to have him and the kid in my house if he can't stop yelling at the kid.