You never know what is going through somebodies head. Take the punch on the chin and move one, if she is worth the effort then call back and say that you want to work through it if she is willing. Give her a day or two to think and don't put any ultimatums on things. Hard enough at our/your age and being single with kids is even harder.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, and it you tape a straw in its mouth and throw it in a lake you still don't have a horse. Basically don't force it and try not to take it personally.
People show you who they are at the beginning of a relationship. Believe them.
I'd give her a week or two, see if she reaches out. If she doesn't, then think about if you REALLY want to try to work things out with HER or just not be alone. But I'd just walk away and look at it as you had a good time. People come in and out of your life and not everyone is meant to be there forever and that's ok.
Unrelated to the question, the asking about body counts (I know it was her who asked), is just silly and recipe for a bad time. My number is more than I can count on both hands and I know my fiance enjoyed her younger years, I've never asked and will never ask. Mainly, because as long as the number hasn't increased since we started dating, it's none of my damn business frankly. Same for me. Just some unsolicited advice going forward.
Totally_not_a_current_GRMer said:So, anyway, to those more experienced in the ways of relationships and women for that matter, would you just let her go or pursue her?
She is going to do what she is going to do. You can't change that. You have to live YOUR life.
No matter what happens next, she has ended the relationship that you had. That doesn't mean there isn't a possibility of something NEW starting back up. Even if she calls you tomorrow, you talk through things, and get back together... that will be a fundamentally different relationship.
You had a nice taste of something good for you, that you know was healthier than what you would have been doing otherwise. LOOK FORWARD to something else that will be good for you in a similar way.
if you want to keep this woman in your life, you clearly need to up your body count.
While I would be curious about her reaction, I would go about my business. Focus on your health and kids.
If she's into worrying about how many people you've had sex with then I don't think that's a positive step to a real relationship.
She could be worried about the very real possibility that you'll wake up and realize you need to do that intimate exploring, having not in your life. Happened to you and your ex, right?
It's also likely not just about sex, but also about what relationship experience you have. In that sense, spending more time dating, and exploring intimately with other people, could be a nice place for you to focus efforts to grow. It's about learning about yourself, too.
Consider that she's you +5 years post divorce experience, and you trust and value her perspective already.
So, before my divorce I always considered myself a hopeless romantic. Afterwards I came to value honesty in all close relationships above all (consider what that says about my marriage if you want)
That means what I'm gonna say is coming from that perspective.
"It's not you, it's me." is a phrase that 20-somethings say. It functionally means nothing. If she means something to you (and it sounds like it) then I would find some way to communicate with her and ask for an honest conversation. Tell her you were starting to look at this as a more permanent thing, and were blindsided. Ask what happened to change her mind. Ask if you guys can talk through it and see if you can get on some common ground. Even if you don't end up back together you'd rather know what happened so you can be aware of it in the future.
Or some variation thereof. Bottom line, let her know that you would rather know what actually happened than be left to wonder.
I'm gonna ask my gf what she thinks as well. Maybe the female perspective will help.
AngryCorvair (Forum Supporter) said:if you want to keep this woman in your life, you clearly need to up your body count.
Next time they meet in the gym:
"Hey, my body count is now 5. When mine reaches yours, let's talk."
Next week: "I'm at 7!"
Etc
In reply to Mr_Asa :
Gf said: "I like what you said. It's like a job interview, 'Hey, I didn't get the position, can I ask what I can do better?' Kind of thing."
She also thinks everyone in here is making too big of a deal of the bodycount (including her.) The two things happened in sequence, but correlation does not equal causation. It may have given her something to think about, and may have helped lead her to some other thought that made her break up, but it alone doesn't mean that's the reason for breaking up.
She does think it's BS that she didn't at least give a ballpark for her number, though. "If you're gonna have that conversation then have that conversation."
It's clear y'all (to me) y'all are on divergent paths. I learned from my divorce one thing and one thing only. The harder you go looking, the more likely you are to make a mistake.
I wouldn't go lookin' at all. Not to say I'd reject advances or anything- but I would not actively pursue. If she's serious about it at any point, she'll get over whatever it is.
She may actually be telling a version of the truth in that it's her not you, as it sounds like she has a lot of potential insecurities that could be leading her to self-sabotage. That being said, it's also a complete and total BS excuse, that demonstrates the exact opposite of what she claims to feel. I think you'd be fair to call her out on it, and give her a chance to have an honest (no games) discussion about it. If she does, great. If not, then you can always let her know that whenever she's ready to be honest, you'll be ready to listen. But don't hold out hope waiting for it to happen at that point either. She may just as likely never get there, which would be a huge red flag that you dodged a bullet.
You're adults. You can be honest and state:
"I'm too old to play games. I'd like an honest answer. I'd appreciate either being told what the issue is or that you are not comfortable discussing it, but not a lame excuse."
Could be she never wanted a long term relationship, started to realize you were leaning that way, so she bailed. Could be that simple.
In reply to Purple Frog :
Good call. But, again, have some balls and say that.
This may sound a little blunt, but she isn't looking for what you are looking for.
I don't know how to explain why I think this without giving out information about myself that I am unwilling to share here. (no, it doesn't have anything personal info I have about you and her other than what was shared here, just several things I have seen before) If you truly want to know more, you are welcome to contact me through GRM email.
In reply to Totally_not_a_current_GRMer :
I have little info and only your side of the story but here are some thoughts from me.
Divorced 5 years, high body count, kids to Disney, very similar past negative experiences, very similar current health interests...
1. Are you too good? Its a weird thing (for her) when you get what you want. Five years into being single, maybe she doesn't want to be single but its a new familiar place. Are you a threat to that familiarity? Again, are you too good and therefore if she is insecure or wounded from previous relationships do you pose a threat to that current safe space in her life?
2. Similar to 1, did you come on too strong such as moving to kid things too soon?
3. Is she looking for more "fling" and less "real thing"? If you feel this might be the case, how do you feel about a more casual re-tap? Give it a few weeks and see if she might be DTF. Yeah, you could get hurt if you invest too much emotion into this casual encounter but on the other hand, some distance might make her see a need for closer.
Mr_Asa said:In reply to Mr_Asa :
She also thinks everyone in here is making too big of a deal of the bodycount (including her.) The two things happened in sequence, but correlation does not equal causation. It may have given her something to think about, and may have helped lead her to some other thought that made her break up, but it alone doesn't mean that's the reason for breaking up.
I'm in a group that's most women where we discuss among other things relationship issues. There are more women than I would have guessed that won't go out with someone who's number is much lower than theirs. It doesn't matter to everyone but it seems to be important more often than not.
Wally (Forum Supporter) said:Mr_Asa said:In reply to Mr_Asa :
She also thinks everyone in here is making too big of a deal of the bodycount (including her.) The two things happened in sequence, but correlation does not equal causation. It may have given her something to think about, and may have helped lead her to some other thought that made her break up, but it alone doesn't mean that's the reason for breaking up.
I'm in a group that's most women where we discuss among other things relationship issues. There are more women than I would have guessed that won't go out with someone who's number is much lower than theirs. It doesn't matter to everyone but it seems to be important more often than not.
That's really bizarre to me. I guess maybe it makes them feel like "Tulsa" backwards?
In reply to z31maniac :
That wasn't as much a concern as the assumption that it only two women slept with you then there's probably something wrong with you that they're not seeing yet. Being childless past a certain age is also a problem for a lot of people for the same reason.
Wally (Forum Supporter) said:Mr_Asa said:In reply to Mr_Asa :
She also thinks everyone in here is making too big of a deal of the bodycount (including her.) The two things happened in sequence, but correlation does not equal causation. It may have given her something to think about, and may have helped lead her to some other thought that made her break up, but it alone doesn't mean that's the reason for breaking up.
I'm in a group that's most women where we discuss among other things relationship issues. There are more women than I would have guessed that won't go out with someone who's number is much lower than theirs. It doesn't matter to everyone but it seems to be important more often than not.
As a woman actually responding to this thread, I'd invite y'all to review my previous reply
Mr_Asa said:In reply to Mr_Asa :
Gf said: "I like what you said. It's like a job interview, 'Hey, I didn't get the position, can I ask what I can do better?' Kind of thing."
She also thinks everyone in here is making too big of a deal of the bodycount (including her.) The two things happened in sequence, but correlation does not equal causation. It may have given her something to think about, and may have helped lead her to some other thought that made her break up, but it alone doesn't mean that's the reason for breaking up.
She does think it's BS that she didn't at least give a ballpark for her number, though. "If you're gonna have that conversation then have that conversation."
Sounds to me like you've met a keeper. Great perspective!
Mndsm said:It's clear y'all (to me) y'all are on divergent paths. I learned from my divorce one thing and one thing only. The harder you go looking, the more likely you are to make a mistake.
I wouldn't go lookin' at all. Not to say I'd reject advances or anything- but I would not actively pursue. If she's serious about it at any point, she'll get over whatever it is.
Agree with every word of this!
Im blessed to have learned this before marriage (not that I haven't made the mistakes) and have given that advice along the way.
Wally (Forum Supporter) said:In reply to z31maniac :
That wasn't as much a concern as the assumption that it only two women slept with you then there's probably something wrong with you that they're not seeing yet. Being childless past a certain age is also a problem for a lot of people for the same reason.
As a life long bachelor with no kids, at 45, I used to get asked "Why? Is there something wrong with you?"
A lot.
"No, just smart enough to not be getting girls I ain't married to knocked up"
Mostly I was smart enough to not say it out loud.
Mostly.
In reply to ralleah :
If correct, it's a pretty lousy way for her to think.
So, you're probably correct.
That means he dogged a BIG bullet, since he sounds like he deserves someone that doesn't put her own insecurities out as his fault.
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