I need to vent/ need opinions about a relationship

I'll try to make a long story short.

A couple years ago, after my divorce, I met a woman. She lived down in Ormond/Daytona almost three hours away from me.  She has a great personality and we were very compatible.  She was recovering from a very nasty divorce and was essentially couch surfing.  I was making that drive whenever I had some time off work and after a while I asked her to move in with me.  I work a ton of hours and have provided everything for her.  

She has never shown any ambition to get a job.  Which is fine I can provide for us.  However last year she started drinking heavily.  A bottle or two of rum daily.  I'd get home from work to find her passed out and vomit every where.  She never made any attempt to keep the house clean and I'd spend my day off cleaning everything up only to have it trashed again.  After one particularly bad week I'd finally had enough and told her she had to go.  But she had no money,  no job,  no one to take her in and her mom said she's not welcome there.  She stayed with a friend of my neighbor for a week and then asked if she could come back until she figured something out. 

She stopped drinking and we started working on things.  We had many honest and frank discussions about her situation.  She has a lot of legal issues as a result of her divorce that she had been running from.  I worked with her to try and get those taken care of.  And she did make some progress.  But eventually she slowly fell back into her old ways. As I said I work a lot and not that I expect my partner to be Suzy homemaker but if I'm gone 14hrs a day and you have no job at least make some effort to keep things up.  For the past three weeks every single dish we have has been sitting dirty in the sink.  I've had about all I can stand at this point.  She has made no effort,  no attempt at all to improve herself.  I've asked nicely. I've begged and pleaded but all I get is "I'm working on it". I'm tired of waiting. 

Yesterday I told her I'm done.  It broke my heart but I don't have it in me anymore.  I feel like she's dragging me down.  

But her situation hasn't changed.  She has no income,  no money and no place to go.  I'm not going to kick her out on the street but she's got to go.  

I've offered to give her the car I bought from CWHs widow and pay her insurance for six months.  If I wait for her to get her E36 M3 together she'll be living here forever.  I want her to get better but I also don't have it in me to try anymore. As far as I know she's made no effort to find a place to go.  

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how much time I should give her. I want her to leave but I don't want to see her on the street. 

Ugh, this sucks.  

You can't help someone that will not help themselves. She's an adult, and not really your problem. Give her a set date, and stick with it. 
 

That being said, it's easy for me to say it from the sidelines. It sucks you gotta live it. 

Only thing I have that is anywhere near advice is to make sure the car is in her name before you cut her loose.

Other than that, I'm sorry man.  I can head up and help some weekend if you need a hand with anything. 

We've helped my sister-in-law/husband with a free car and her dad gave them two free cars.  My wife mentions tonight we should help buy her a car as she is struggling.  No, she has to pull it together. 
 

I'd get your lady that car, give her $2500 and send her on her way otherwise you'll be adding the same comments to this thread 5 years from now.  

It's a horrible situation.


You can't make anyone help themselves.  And sometimes they can't, either.    But it isn't your fault, nor is it your responsibility to save a drowning person if they are pulling you under.

In reply to Mr_Asa :

I'll get that taken care of on my next day off.

I've seen high school aquatinances ride that ride down but it was the wife that was in your position. She set deadlines, they were not met, he got kicked out, divorce, and bounced around family for a couple more years. He has just started to turn things back around 5~7 years later at nearly 40 but, as stated, had to bottom out and want to change.  People justly praised her for making such a bold and strong decision. That should also apply in your case.

Be careful in your parting ways. This was a different situation but let me tell you about my neighbor. Nice guy with a bit of a hoarding problem, in his 70s or early 80s. He hired a day laborer to try to clean his property up, and had the guy drive his truck to get building supplies. Turns out he not only didn't have a license but was drunk. Drove left of center and hit a minivan head on, killing a mom of two, left the husband bereft. They or their insurance company sued my neighbor and he's lost everything. The house was sold at auction to settle the debt. Nobody wins. Every party loses even with the settlement, most of all the kids. Make damn sure you're comfortable with her having a car. Even if you don't get sued to oblivion you don't want an anchor in your mind if she's going to go out and drive after a bottle or two of rum. 
 

Im sorry I don't have better or more advice. There's just no winning move, only ones that suck less. You deserve happiness and to be free of this load. Good luck and I'm rooting for you. I think you're right to part ways as soon as you can. 

Would you recommend a friend date someone like that? Glad you saw the light.

Feeling bad about the break up is natural but you aren't her parent. She needs to adult up, and people like that usually won't unless they find rock bottom. Every time someone bails her out they keep that from happening.

Set her lose. Cut all ties. And figure out why you would even spend all that time on someone who brings very little other than drama to the table. There's a part of you that liked that. A lot of guys like 'fix-er-up' project women. That never ends well.

Man, I'm sorry for your situation, but everything said above is true.

You have put in your hours and paid your dues. You've tried - hard - and you can move on with a clear conscience.

Retitle the car in her name - which may actually involve her going, check with your DMV - and give her as much of a stipend as fits both your conscience AND bank account.

You've kept her alive for several years now and it is not your responsibility to keep doing that indefinitely. Set a date, and if it doesn't happen by that date, call the sheriff's department and have her evicted. It's part of what they do.

Sincerely, good luck to you.

[edit] After reading some excellent posts below, I am going to change my recommendations above.

I now agree, don't waste the car on her, for all the reasons others said below. Maybe give her a little pocket money, but dropping her off at a shelter is a good suggestion, and if you can do that, GIVE THE MONEY TO THEM rather than her directly. And though I didn't think of it myself, consulting a lawyer before you take any action is a fantastic idea.

Good luck.

Enabler is a word.  She should have been gone a long time ago.  

There is every chance she will find a lawyer and claim community property.  Talk to a lawyer yourself, now.

dculberson said:

Im sorry I don't have better or more advice. There's just no winning move, only ones that suck less. You deserve happiness and to be free of this load. Good luck and I'm rooting for you. I think you're right to part ways as soon as you can. 

Just want to second this.

That is such a hard situation. I'm sorry you are in that. It sounds like you did your best to help someone you care about through dark times.  You can't want something more for someone than they do. It's admirable that you want to put her in the best place you can (a car and some $) while setting boundaries and protecting yourself. Good luck with the next steps. 

I too have little better to add than the good that has been added already.  I guess I'll just provide this...there is sunshine on the other side.  Sadly. its a dark path to get to that sunshine and there is no easy way through the dark other than to just keep moving forward.  If you stop, and stand still, you'll just remain in the dark.  Head to the sunshine!

I normally stay out of these advice threads. But I'll say this. You say that the two of you are compatible. Your second paragraph tells us you're not. 
what you are is an enabler though. She cannot get well while someone is enabling the self-destructive lifestyle she finds herself in. 
I would drive her to a homeless shelter and be done. 

Like others have mentioned, we are behind you Nick. This family of ours will always do that.

Whatever you do DO NOT just let her drive away with your plate and insurance on that car. Go to the DMV/SOS and transfer the title, get plates and insurance in her name. 

Other people's train wrecks should never have to show up on your insurance premiums. 

Datsun310Guy said:

I'd get your lady that car, give her $2500 and send her on her way otherwise you'll be adding the same comments to this thread 5 years from now.  

I second this, or some variation on it. Even that is generous. The car is *very* generous.

She will probably end up getting herself into a bad situation, but SHE will have gotten HERSELF into a bad situation. You will have given her an opportunity and resources to get on her feet. If you gave an average person that, even if they didn't have family or friends willing to help them out, they'd be able to easily use that to get a job and a room and be okay.

The only way I'd give her more is if she agrees to get checked in to rehab. Then I'd probably help with the cost of that. But afterwards, would still say to give her some resources and let her go. You're not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with her until she figures her own E36 M3 out.

Gosh I hate reading this, I feel for you

I think you made the right decision. But, as others stated, make sure that car isnt connected to you. Pay the insurance up front, but make sure it's in her name etc

Time to cut ties brother. Do her right, dont just dump her on the street, and walk away knowing you did alright

I wouldn't give her the car, personally. It seems at this point she's established a pattern of using other people til she can't use em no more. Might be purposeful, might be long onset mental instability from the divorce, might be anything. 

The unfortunate reality is that at this point, she's really only going to learn once it doesn't work anymore. If she gets a car and a wad from you, that just reinforces that the practice works. Then she goes out, spins some story about you and her ex and god only knows who else being rude to her, some poor sap bites, and here we go again. It sucks, but it is what it is. 

The other side of it is, Florida DMV isn't going to let her register the car in her name if she isn't valid. I suspect that no car, legal issues, etc- she's riding dirty if shes riding at all. And if she isn't, and you pay her insurance, as soon as that lapses, she will be and you're right in the bad situation everyone else is saying about liability and whatnot. I wouldn't do it man.   

Beer Baron said:

The only way I'd give her more is if she agrees to get checked in to rehab. Then I'd probably help with the cost of that. But afterwards, would still say to give her some resources and let her go. You're not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with her until she figures her own E36 M3 out.

You are protecting her from rock bottom, which is where she likely needs to find herself if she's going to turn it around.  If she's back to drinking "a bottle or two of rum a day" she doesn't need to be behind the wheel.  I'd be wary of the potential liability of selling her a car if you know this to be true.  She needs to find her way into rehab.  Likely to be a difficult sell.  Be strong.

Love is a stupid thing, because it puts smart guys like you in stupid situations.

If I was in your shoes, I wouldnt give anything else, you have given plenty.  Last ditch would be "pack your E36 M3, you're leaving", and maybe drop off at the train station or Greyhound.  I wouldnt drop her at the local no-tell-mo-tell because it would be good for all involved if she was separated from you.  A car just means she will come back, anything of value will be sold for booze or drugs, lost or wrecked.  elete/block her number, change yours, delete social media.

Quit that bitch cold turkey.  

I'm going to try to do this without telling more of somebody else's story than I should. 

Overwhelmingly everybody here is right you've done everything you can, you've behaved in a reasonable and appropriate way and you're being taken advantage of. If you're done wash your hands, protect yourself legally and move on. 

I did something different, I worked through all the bad days and bad choices. I was there for the broken bottles, lost jobs, and breakdowns. To see her now, excelling in school, a couple years on a job that she likes, accepting her part for the challenges she's faced. I'm not saying I have anything to do with it but I can't come up with words for how proud I am of her. 

People change when they're ready. Ready doesn't always look bright eyed and bushy tailed with a Tony Robbins book at 7am. Sadly ready and overwhelmed to the point of staring down your own demise are often much closer cousins. 

Count me in the "no car" camp.  Not only are you protecting her from the consequences of her own inaction but you are endangering some innocent out there who has no idea another drunken missile is pointed at them.    She's had her chances, burned her bridges, and now has to figure out how to pull herself up.   I'd drive her to the womens shelter of her choice and change the locks on the house.    
 

Everyone needs to make their way in this world and she's gotten by for too long.   Would you have tolerated this from a guy you were friends with in high school?

terrible situation, brother. I feel for you.

I'd offer her a choice of rehab or GTFO. Sell the car and use that plus 6mo of insurance to make a dent in the rehab cost.

Instead of a car, use the money to get a gift certificate to get some mental heath help.  Seems that it's really needed at this point in her life- since she's having so much trouble dealing with her past.  And make sure the gift can only be used for counseling.  

 If she broke her arm while with you- you would help her get it fixed, right?  So think that she has some kind of bruise to her mind, and at least see if it can be helped as you part ways.