My buddy went through something similar. She wasn't entitled to any property, but could have gone after him for support. So he cut her off and waited til she was desperate, gave her $1500, had her sign it off and booted her ass out.
My buddy went through something similar. She wasn't entitled to any property, but could have gone after him for support. So he cut her off and waited til she was desperate, gave her $1500, had her sign it off and booted her ass out.
I guess I'm a lot more soft hearted/ gullible than most. But thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.
Nick Comstock said:I guess I'm a lot more soft hearted/ gullible than most. But thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.
Well, part of the problem is that you're too close to the situation to make the hard decision. We armchair relationship advisors have it much easier, and can tell you to get her into rehab or give her the boot.
In reply to Nick Comstock :
And some of us are speaking from a position of experience. My guess is after this you would handle a similar situation differently
1988RedT2 said:Nick Comstock said:I guess I'm a lot more soft hearted/ gullible than most. But thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.
Well, part of the problem is that you're too close to the situation to make the hard decision. We armchair relationship advisors have it much easier, and can tell you to get her into rehab or give her the boot.
All of this. None of us have seen her at her best; we're just hearing about her now. There's a ton of objectivity on our part that just isn't possible for you. We know it will be easier said than done, but we're here to talk you through it no matter how it resolves.
Nick Comstock said:I guess I'm a lot more soft hearted/ gullible than most. But thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.
It's easy to be hard hearted when you're on the other side of a computer screen telling someone how to deal with a their problems. Were I actually in your shoes, I don't know that I'd be able to just kick her out.
You know there is a problem requiring major steps to fix. If there wasn't, you wouldn't have started a thread here about it.
I think the question is how you gently but firmly remove her from being dependent on you, get a bit of distance, and establish firm boundaries.
1988RedT2 said:Nick Comstock said:I guess I'm a lot more soft hearted/ gullible than most. But thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.
Well, part of the problem is that you're too close to the situation to make the hard decision. We armchair relationship advisors have it much easier, and can tell you to get her into rehab or give her the boot.
This is totally true.
I also want to add that if you give her money/car/support you will absolutely not be getting rid of her, you will just be enabling her from a distance for years to come.
People like that use people til they can't anymore, you have to show her she can't use you anymore
I came in expecting another Amy story
I have no advice beyond what has already been said.
I can only offer someone willing to listen and yell at when needed and my heartfelt wishes that you negotiate this situation successfully.
Grtechguy said:I came in expecting another Amy story
That would be a much preferred situation 
Nick Comstock said:I guess I'm a lot more soft hearted/ gullible than most. But thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.
It's just being on the inside vs. outside of the situation. Pretend one of us wrote your first post, and read it aloud to yourself, as if we were asking you for advice.
Mndsm said:I wouldn't give her the car, personally. It seems at this point she's established a pattern of using other people til she can't use em no more. Might be purposeful, might be long onset mental instability from the divorce, might be anything.
The unfortunate reality is that at this point, she's really only going to learn once it doesn't work anymore. If she gets a car and a wad from you, that just reinforces that the practice works. Then she goes out, spins some story about you and her ex and god only knows who else being rude to her, some poor sap bites, and here we go again. It sucks, but it is what it is.
The other side of it is, Florida DMV isn't going to let her register the car in her name if she isn't valid. I suspect that no car, legal issues, etc- she's riding dirty if shes riding at all. And if she isn't, and you pay her insurance, as soon as that lapses, she will be and you're right in the bad situation everyone else is saying about liability and whatnot. I wouldn't do it man.
While I agree with what you write here, I think that A) it's not his job to educate her or change her ways, and B) in the enabler/taker relationship, there is no changing her ways. She won't learn from it, she'll just have anger for "that jerk that put her on the street." I think the inexpensive CWH car is a good thing. Then, when she learns how to adult on her own some day she'll recall that what seemed like "all I got was a rusty car" will then feel like "wow, that must have been hard for him."
The bottom line is that he needs to do what's right for him. The cold, hard, realism answer is that he should chuck her out the front door, change the locks, and block her number... but this also has to fit within Nick's set of ethics and be Nick's solution based on how he feels. It's different when there is love involved.
But yes, Nick... hard truth here is that you are enabling. Stop enabling. How you do it needs to sit well in your heart, but this sounds like a caustic situation that is hurting your life more than the benefits of the dopamine you're getting from a one-sided relationship.
What does housing cost in your area? Possible to find a cheap apartment? Pay for one month, give her the key, and let her sort it out. She has one month to get her life moving in the positive direction. In some ways I can sympathize with her. She has had a lot of crap piled on her, and I don't even judge the drinking. Sure, it's a stupid, cowardly, damaging way of escaping hard truths, but I do it myself - not as much as it sounds like she does, but it's rare that I don't drink a few beers at the end of the day so I can shut up the stress in my brain and sleep. My ex wife's new wife is a chain weed smoker because she has severe PTSD from several past abusive relationships. I get the substance use. Stupid, but it's an easy slope to slide.
Above all, I think you've identified that you're not getting a reciprocal energy from this and you're tired of your home smelling like Captain Morgan had a pirate party. I get that you have feelings for her, but is it also possible that your attachment to her is a bit unhealthy? Is there something she provides to your heart that you feel you can't live without? That's my thing. I get attached to a person and I often have absurdly huge feelings of loss for something that wasn't even that good of a relationship. I get this feeling that I'm going to be missing something that I can't provide for myself. Don't let that allow you to flavor your feelings. It's hard, but it has to happen. I totally get it. The only woman I ever dumped it took me almost 9 months to do it. I kept dragging it out and focusing on the good parts. She was an incredibly kind soul, but I wasn't in love with her. We should have been best friends. I ruined the whole thing because I couldn't face hurting her sweet heart. But I made it worse by dragging it out. She got her heart bruised and I lost my best friend.
Pick a date, stick to it, be nice but firm. Love you first, and it sounds like this is what you need to do. We're here for you.
In reply to Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) :
Thank you Curtis
Curtis always has a way with the words!
I see the problems that others state of giving here the car, but... Will giving her the car make her go back to Daytona. I am hoping it will. The 2 hours of separation would likely be a good thing. We al know the car will only run until the next thing (repair) pops up. But then that is also the thing that keeps her 2 hours away.
I'm no so sure that setting her up in a nearby apartment is a good thing. A far away apartment is probably better.
Curtis said he made it worst by dragging it out. Sounds like a work scenario we ran into once.
Funny is we had a problem employee that we finally let go - I remember my boss saying we were dragging it out and on our side we were making him miserable. Constantly trying to manage him.
Cut him loose, he said, his life will be better over time. He pulled it together but I can't say what your lady will do.
John Welsh said:Curtis always has a way with the words!
I see the problems that others state of giving here the car, but... Will giving her the car make her go back to Daytona. I am hoping it will. The 2 hours of separation would likely be a good thing. We al know the car will only run until the next thing (repair) pops up. But then that is also the thing that keeps her 2 hours away.
I'm no so sure that setting her up in a nearby apartment is a good thing. A far away apartment is probably better.
I would not "set her up" with anything. If you want her to get back on track, she needs to start figuring out small things for herself. Finding an apartment for her takes away the work of doing that for herself.
Money and transportation are necessary resources to be able to find a job and housing for herself.
Whether or not to give her a car... I can't answer that. The only definite thing I'd say is that if you have reason to believe she is liable to get drunk, get behind the wheel of the car, and kill someone, I wouldn't giver her the weapon. But I don't know if that's what she's like.
I don't think she would drink and drive. She doesn't like to drive normally.
Nick Comstock said:I don't think she would drink and drive. She doesn't like to drive normally.
If it's the only way to get the bottle, she will.
Nick Comstock said:I don't think she would drink and drive. She doesn't like to drive normally.
You know her better than any of us. It's a real consideration. Giving her a car could be a good call or a bad call. I would urge you to consider which that is. (This is *genuinely* not a leading statement where I'm subtly implying something and insinuating you're not seeing the truth. I legitimately do not know her.)
I've known alcoholics who would drink and drive. I've known alcoholics who just go somewhere and proceed to get get wrecked without going anywhere else.
My girlfriend my senior year of highschool was an alcoholic and had depression. It made for an unhealthy relationship. I'm not going to say that has any bearing on your situation. Just... tough situations are tough. I can sympathize with being in a tough situation.
Once she is out, change the locks, change every password, and get a good security system with cameras. Actually do that now.
How did she support herself when you met her? She won't go back to doing that? Maybe I missed it. Do you own your place or are you renting?
You could rent a new place, move all your stuff out, not tell her where you moved, and just leave her butt at the original place to be evicted.
It is evident to me that there are organizations (often faith-based) that manage programs to help folks get on their feet. This help can come in the way of help with utilities, rent assistance, etc. I don't know the details but I've heard folks (other landlords) mention them in my area.
Possibly you could help by checking with some people to find organizations like this and put her in touch with them. It sounds like it will take more than "putting her in touch" but I think this is a productive way to help that's not enabling (meaning...you can hold her hand and enable her to get set up with an organization that can help). If I wanted to find this sort of program...let's see (literally brainstorming while typing) I would:
-Find out who administers the Section 8 rental assistance program (HUD, I believe) locally and ask what private (or public) organizations offer help for a situation like yours (hers).
-Maybe call a parole office or whoever you call about that sort of stuff. I would ASSume that they may have some knowledge about how folks who have nothing get back on their feet after being released from incarceration.
(Please note. I'm NOT saying try to set her up with HUD Section 8 or a parole officer (lol)...I'm saying to network with those people to find other help as a starting point)
There's a couple of things that come to mind. Hopefully that can prime the pump, so to speak.
I would not give that person a car. It will provide more trouble than benefit in my opinion. (If you want realistic examples I can imagine, I can certainly provide...but I kinda feel like that's not productive and has already been stated sufficiently by others).
As said above...this is objective info from folks not involved personally. Easier said than done and we all realize it. I don't envy one bit the situation you are in. I'm sure it's harder than anyone can know.
Just got home from work and actually have a little bit of encouraging news.
She interviewed at a local very busy gas station that is dying for help. She felt it went well and the manager will let her know this upcoming week. She said she also applied to several other places.
Of course I've heard this before and nothing has came of it but I'm very hopeful.
So I read that and pessimistically think its going to provide an inevitable delay in any transition.
One strategy is to jump on that promising news and ride the momentum to a transition. When you talk to folks who can offer assistance, these promising job interviews can be a key talking point.
I would caution against just sitting and waiting for results of the job interview before acting.
Again...thoughts from a guy 1000 miles away who isn't actually involved.
She's using that to keep you on the hook longer. Don't fall for it.
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