Joke of the day

Redneck Engineering Exam 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

1. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO

2. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

3. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

4. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

7. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

8. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

Cone_Junky wrote: How can a member with the name "CHUCKLES" not have a sense of humor?

What, my response wasn't funny?

I do need to use the emoticons more and remember we're not wise-cracking face to face. I'm not all that easily offended. I'm just not so good with the 'net.

In reply to That idiot who can't spell:

Thank you

That idiot who can't spell wrote: What do you call an Alabama farmer A new law recently passed in Georgia.

Really, it's OK. I was just joking.

Drewsifer wrote: "I just saw the other guy, he got watermelons!"

I always heard that joke ending with pineapples.

I've always heard it with watermelons and grapes, personally. The apples were right though.

mndsm wrote: I've always heard it with watermelons and grapes, personally. The apples were right though.

Ya'll are idiots. It is obviously supposed to be prickley pear

Grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down. The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you" Grasshopper says "You've got a drink named Steve?"

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second guy would have ducked....

How do you know an elephant's sex organs are in its feet? Because if it steps on you, you're berkeleyed.

wokka wokka wokkaaaaaaaaaaaa!

A priest, a rabbi, and a witch doctor walk into a bar. Bartender looks and them and says "what is this a berkeleying joke?"

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot.

All the 5 year olds that read this just wet their pants.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, every one knows they screw in hot tubs.

Caveat: How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, everyone knows sorority girls screw in the back of Firebirds.

How many Harvard graduates does it take take to screw in a lightbulb? One: he/she holds the bulb while the world revolves around them.

How many Red Sox fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

No one knows for certain...but the YANKEES SUCK!!

My favorite joke:

An Irishman walked out of a bar.

Joe takes his visiting Scottish cousin to a baseball game. Baseball is new to the Scot, so Joe is explaining the game as it goes. The visiting team's pitcher throws four bad pitches, and the batter tosses his bat toward the dugout and strolls to first. The Scot jumps up and shouts: "Run, man, run!". Joe pulls him down and explains: "No, he gets to walk, he has four balls." The Scot jumps up and shouts: "Walk with pride, man, walk with pride!"

Why aren't there any Walmart stores in Afghanistan?

Because everything there is a Target.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

Toyman01 wrote: Why aren't there any Walmart stores in Afghanistan? Because everything there is a Target.

What do you call a hundred rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare-line

This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face against the centipedes house and started shouting, "Hey in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my berkeleying shoes."

I only have two jokes that I can ever remember. A clean one and a dirty one.

Clean:

There is a woman that prides herself greatly in how she looks. Everyday before work she spends several hours working out and putting on makeup, etc. She walks to work to get the extra exercise and every day she passes by a pet store. One day there was a parrot outside and she was surprised and somewhat angry when the parrot proclaimed "your ugly!". She decided it was just a fluke and went on to work. The next day she gets ready for work again and thinks to herself that the parrot better not be there again today. Sure enough, the parrot looks straight at her and says "your ugly!" This time the woman goes inside the store and tells the manager that he better do something about the bird. The manager assures her the problem will be fixed by the next day. The next day the woman starts heading to work and notices the bird is still outside. She's a little bit angry about this but thinks surely something has been done. As she gets closer to the bird it looks her right in the eyes and says "you know"

Dirty:

What do a nine volt battery and a womans butthole have in common?

You know it's wrong but sooner or later your gonna lick it.

On a balmy summer day, three friends go into a pub: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman. Each orders a pint of beer. Because it's so hot, there are quite a few flies in the air, and one lands in each of the men's beers.

The Englishman primly pushes the beer back across the bar and asks for another.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, throws it onto the floor, and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Irishman lifts the fly out of the beer, holds it above the glass, shakes it, and commands: "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog? Walking the dog is relaxing.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the crap out of you.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.