I walked into a bar with my pet newt on my shoulder.
The bartender says "What a strange pet, what's his name?"
"Tiny." the man replies.
"What an odd name, why do you call him tiny?"
"Because he's my newt."
In reply to Wally :
That one is groan worthy.
In reply to Wally :
I loved it, texted it to my wife and kids. Had to explain via text and then verbaly to the spousal unti. Shakes head in dismay. I love groaners!
In reply to Wally :
*golf clap
In reply to Wally :
I guess the man could also call his newt '60 seconds'
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What's the wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to cry. They cried, I cried, we all cried together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, 'And here's something for you, Diploma.' or 'This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma.' and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, 'Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?'
The grandmother replied, 'I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!'
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist?"
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"
The girl replies; "I didn't feel a thing."
I went for a testicle checkup last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, “Don’t worry. It’s quite normal to get an erection during this procedure”.
I said, “ I haven’t got an erection”.
She said, “No, but I do.”
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones, and the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Hopefully this isn't a re-run...
At a funeral, after the eulogy, a smartly-dressed man asks the deceased's widow, "May I please say something?" She nods in agreement so he stands up and clears his throat.
"Plethora", he says somberly and then sits back down.
The widow, wiping a tear from her eye nods at him and says in reply, "Thank you. That means a lot".
"Does your Thai girlfriend have a penis?"
"Something inside me says yes."
4X-IMAGE/GETTY IMAGES
During a family vacation to Edisto Beach, Josh Rinder of Aiken shared a one-minute instructional video on Facebook for his foolproof shark detection method.
Even the Atlantic White Shark Conservancy has put its weight behind the hack, calling it a "great trick to detect nearby sharks."
In the video (below), Rinder, 33, stands at the ocean with a big spoon. It's the flavor of the water that's the key, he explains.
First, he says, you scoop up some of the water from the ocean. Then put it in your mouth, swish it around and spit it out, the same way you would at a wine tasting.
"If it tastes like salt, that means there's sharks in the water," he concludes.
In reply to Toyman01 :
I had a butt clenching moment when I released a bluefish that I caught and a five foot shark chomped it down in the surf mere feet in front of me. The then swam in between two kids a bit down the beach. They didn't notice. I didn't tell them.
Mary Lee (a 16 foot great white) had her tracker ping not far from where I like to go fishing, too.
They're all around us.
A little girl is walking home, alone, from school. She's just out of sight of the school and on a fairly deserted stretch of road when a beat up white Econoline van with no windows pulls up next to her and matches her pace.
The driver smiles at her. "Hi, there," he says. "You want a ride home?"
The little girl doesn't make eye contact and says, "No,"
The driver of the van says, "It looks like it might rain. Get in the van and I'll take you home."
The little girl says, "No, I can make it home.
The driver shakes his head. "I've got some candy. Let me give you a ride home, and you can have the candy."
The little girl says, "No, it will spoil my dinner."
The driver, now impatient, says, "Let me give you a ride home, you can have the candy and I'll give you $5.00"
The little girl finally turns to look at the driver and says, "No, Dad. Ever since you got that van to haul your car parts everybody thinks you're some kind of creep!"
So in the late 1800's an Englishman was visiting his American cousin.
They were riding in a horse drawn carriage down a typical dirt country road.
They came to a fork in the road with a blacksmith's shop right at the fork.
A sign with an arrow said "This way to Knoxville, if you can't read ask the blacksmith".
They continued down the road for a while and suddenly the Englishman just started laughing.
He asks his cousin "I say old chap, what if the blacksmith isn't home?"
I went swimming today. Took a leak in the deep end. Lifeguard noticed me. Blew his berking whistle so loud, I almost fell in.
Not exactly a joke. Well it's true, but made me laugh.
Saw a Dodge 2500 4 door Cummings powered 4x4 truck with a camper shell today as I rolled along.
Custom license said "MY PRIUS"
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