Dell - you make a piece of junk computer

NBC Sports - you are so stupid, it makes me want to kick puppies

dculberson wrote: Hitempguy, I would have told that guy right away that his offer is too low. That's situation: STFU right there, good job on not flying off the handle though.

I'm trying this new tactic of ACTING more like a normal human being, not one whose soul is filled with hatred and rage and has a heart that is three sizes too small.

It sort of is working 'twitch'

Wally wrote: Yes my nephew is an adorable little tyke, but I don't know who the hell you are but there is no reason to run your fingers through his dinner on your way back from the bathroom. After you were asked twice politely to stop you should have left, not waited to be yelled out like a bad dog then start the "respect you elders" speech. I'm not even sure why you enjoyed playing with his carrots, I didn't get anything out of writing in your mashed potatos.

this is our future ?

Working with relatives.... I am really getting tired of it.

A pair, related:

Dear wheel manufacturers- not everyone wants to have to buy a new set of your ignorant spline drive nuts, so make the berkeleying holes in your wheels large emough to accept a 19mm socket.

Dear custom wheel owners- It does me absolutely no good whatsoever for your wheel lock socket to be on your bedside table, or in your toolbox at home. or at work with you in your purse. And if you have a flat some day, it will do you no good either. Tie the berkeleying socket to the berkeleying wheel wrench in the berkeleying trunk, or I will reach down your throat and pull your shiny happy person out of your nostrils.

Streetwiseguy wrote: Dear wheel manufacturers- not everyone wants to have to buy a new set of your ignorant spline drive nuts, so make the berkeleying holes in your wheels large emough to accept a 19mm socket.

OMG, totally hit-the-nail-on-the-head. Whoever thought this was a good idea should be sprayed in the eyes with Berkebile 2+2. Repeatedly.

Every news article about an accident which states the vehicle lost control.

In reply to B430:

Sometimes it happens. Mine did tuesday and pee'd antifreeze allover the place.

Work.

Dear Microbiology Professor,

That was the most berkeleyed up exam I have ever taken. Bad enough that you refused to give us a review session to highlight the topics you wanted us to study. What was really really berkeleyed up is asking question on topics that ARE NOT IN THE MATERIALS you gave us. Some of them you mentioned maybe once in class. Others, I'm pretty certain you never did, and we only had a concept of because other professors had mentioned the for totally unrelated reasons.

Taggers.

Seriously guys, that factory used to be cool. Now it's full of poorly painted hootii (hootuses?). Seriously?

Scrappers.

Seriously guys, that power station used to be nice, until you cooked yourselves for meth money.

This replaced my profile on a dating site I was on. I have since deleted the profile and bailed from the site.

Dear (mature dating site) members,

I bet a few of you are wondering why I haven't responded to your wink/poke/message/whatever. Allow me, please:

If I get a message, the first thing I do is go read your profile. Over the years I have learned to decode a few things you say you want in a man.

1) You are looking for someone 'financially stable'. That's usually first or second in your list of needed characteristics. It means you aren't and you are looking for someone to fix the mistakes you made so you don't have to eat cat food during retirement. It also means you probably ditched your first hubby for being a workaholic and not being 'sensitive to your needs' but now you want the end result of that workaholism. Nope, I ain't falling in that trap. Go find that lawyer or doctor or whatever. Wreck him financially.

2) You are looking for someone to sweep you off your feet. You need to clear the unicorn drawings and princess hat out of your house and face real life, sister. Sweeping off of the feet is LONG gone, particularly since judging by your photos it looks like it might require a bit more strength than the average pair of arms can supply. Not that I'm against that, I'm not as light as I used to be either. But again you do need to face the real world.

3) In your profile it says you 'love shopping'. This goes back to #1. I bet if I did freecreditreport.com on you the monitor on my computer would probably glow bright red and melt, then collections agents would come scrambling out of the smoking remains. You probably have a mortgaged to the hilt (or even upside down) house in the 'right' neighborhood full of cute little knicknacks, closets full of shoes and clothes you never wear and some sort of luxury car which is usually two weeks behind on the payment every month, the oil change is 3500 miles overdue and the tires are bald because you can't afford them (but you can certainly afford those cute new shoes). You probably have several credit cards that you juggle the minimum payments on. You are most likely about 1 paycheck from complete disaster at any given time. Now explain to me just why would I want to get entangled in that?

If I see those, eeennntttt. I delete your message so fast the electrons get dizzy. I don't care how nice your Glamour Shots photo from 15 years ago is. Oh yeah, putting dates with your photos is nice. You may have noticed that every one of mine has a date.

A few other things:

Some of y'all obviously did not read my profile. First and foremost: 'Non religious' is a polite way of saying 'atheist' down here in the Bible Belt. I don't mind if you are not an atheist, but when you say you want a god fearing man, well, it looks like your ultimate plan is to 'change' me and that ain't happening. I don't expect you to change for me and I certainly will not change for you. Same goes for if you don't want anything to do with motorcycles (I love 'em) or your whole life is wrapped up in crisscrossing the country for college football tailgating (not in my list of love to do's, again obviously you didn't read my profile). The first time tailgating clashes with my race schedule and you give me an ultimatum, well, have a nice trip, I'm going racing. Been there, done that, have no plans to do it ever again. So please think before you click.

About motorcycles: I love 'em but as my profile says I'm not a 'biker'. So when I go to your profile and there's six or seven pics of you standing around at what's obviously a biker party or in a biker bar, well I don't get the warm fuzzies.

I put an age range in my profile and that range was chosen for a reason. So when I get a message from someone who's 10-15 years older than me, nope. Sorry. Don't want to date my mom, thankyaverramuch. It would feel really creepy if y'all met and you had more in common with her than with me. Shiver.

This is not to say that all the contacts from this site were a total disaster. Just like you, I took a chance on a couple which seemed much more, I guess 'possible' is the word, than the rest.

Well, on second thought...

To the two that I did respond to: first one, you certainly flaked out on me. If you got flaky via Email, I can only be apprehensive about what you'd do in person. I saw that movie with Glenn Close, I don't want my kid's pets boiling on the stove. You may want to consider professional help.

Second one, your photos were very nice, the emails we exchanged were also very nice although the first one said you'd be willing to drive for hours for the right guy (you were ~125 miles from me). That was a smidge worrisome; we haven't even met and you want to drive 4 hours round trip all the time?

We were setting up a first meeting and it happened to be in a particularly busy time of my life. I tried to explain this very nicely, it was due to a set of circumstances beyond my control. Your response was to send me a sarcastic message with an offline email, say you were tired of games and to contact you through that email when I could find time in my busy schedule (yeah, as if) and you yanked your profile. Ooooookayyyyy. Big red flag.

Then four months later you reactivate your profile and send me a wink/nudge/whatever. Of course I didn't respond. What did you expect me to do?

Nope, sorry. I'm outta here. Y'all have nice lives.

Dear coworker,

Do you have to constantly microwave things that smell like dog crap right IN our office?

Thanks,

Everyone

In reply to Curmudgeon:

Applause.

In reply to Curmudgeon:

That really isn't going to drop a lot of panties for you. May I suggest some rainbow and unicorn art in your avatar?

Also, I've driven 125 miles to look at a car I didn't even want.

4hrs round-trip for a rotten toothed woman with tattoos of wolves baying at the moon to get guaranteed lovin' is way cheaper than male prostitutes.

I hate having a broken autoclave, no backup onsite, and having to haul media to the other campus to get it ready for tomorrow's class.

To the cockgobbler who hammered out the guide pin and put the crank position wheel back on 45 degrees off... I am going to eat your giblets in front of your wife and children and you too until you bleed out. That E36 M3 cost me a whole Sunday funny man.

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote: In reply to Curmudgeon: That really isn't going to drop a lot of panties for you. May I suggest some rainbow and unicorn art in your avatar? Also, I've driven 125 miles to look at a car I didn't even want. 4hrs round-trip for a rotten toothed woman with tattoos of wolves baying at the moon to get guaranteed lovin' is way cheaper than male prostitutes.

Sparkles.Unicorns,rainbows and sparkles do it every time. Toothless tatooed women want sparkles!

When you update Adobe Flash because it asked you to and after you do nothing flash based works.

ThePhranc wrote: When you update Adobe Flash because it asked you to and after you do nothing flash based works.

There is an Apple joke in there somewhere.

ThePhranc wrote: When you update Adobe Flash because it asked you to and after you do nothing flash based works.

Quick tip: reboot after every flash update. You shouldn't have to, but I find it fixes a number of issues with it. Another thought is to remove it completely and reinstall after another reboot.

But, yes Flash is da Devil.

Two that are kinda tied together.

1. When you call me up talking up a truck your brother in law just got and is looking to sell, try doing a nice job looking it over before you even bother me with it. Instead, my cousin focuses on the fact that it runs while mine does not. Went and looked at it yesterday, and the awesome 89 f250 with a 7.3 with all of 80k on it that you thought 1 grand was a great price for and I should buy it because it runs and mine doesn't is a rotted out pile of E36 M3. Bed is gone, dents and scrapes on every body panel, hood's creased because the hinge locks up when it's raised and the drivers door needs to be lifted before it will shut. That great 80k 7.3 stunk of leaking oil so bad I could smell it hood down, just standing in front of the damn thing, and that's not an exaggeration. His BIL paid 300 bucks for that truck and a tractor and apparently I was the first person on the list they thought to jew over. Which is odd given that my cousin knows me pretty well and serious rust and rot is a big turnoff for me. Hell the only reason I bought my non running truck was because aside from dents and surface rust the body was in fantastic shape.

2. Dear other cousin who was working on my truck before I dragged it out to my place to try and muddle it out on my own, when you take something off a vehicle you're working on, keep it near the truck. I'm missing so many bolts and vacuum lines and hoses and crap from that thing it's ridiculous. He lost a coffee can of intake bolts bringing the truck over because he left them in the engine bay while he was towing it. Biggest issue I'm having so far in trying to get this thing running(aside from money) is not knowing what's freaking missing. There are threee underhood connectors I can think of right now that have nothing that connects to them in the engine bay. So either a box is missing and I'm screwed, or Chrysler was lazy and left excess connections in the wiring harness, it's a toss up between either really.

Stupid piece of crap MP3 player. Since when does shuffle mean play the same 14 songs over and over?

why do people have to "prove" their manliness when shaking hands. I recently re-hurt my shoulder, not badly, but enough to make me take it easy for a week or two until it heals.

Last saturday I am working in The Pool at Harrahs in the nightclub they call "the pool afterdark" (our marketing people need to be shot) and we had Vanilla Ice in who sang/rapped a few songs, make a big mess, and generally riled people up.

While he himself is actually a nice guy.. his DJ evidently had a need to prove he was a man. Not only did he try to crush my hand (I have and like just a firm handshake) but proceeded to give it such a rigourious shake, he set my healing shoulder back a week.

mad_machine wrote: his DJ evidently had a need to prove he was a man. Not only did he try to crush my hand (I have and like just a firm handshake) but proceeded to give it such a rigourious shake, he set my healing shoulder back a week.

You should have asked for some "Ice, Ice baby, to go"