New addition to the family

My wife is pregnant (1st child) 12 weeks and 4 days and looks healthy. Questions for the hive,

When should I tell work? Obviously it is more critical for my wife then me, but I would like to take advantage of a week off work.

My wife and I both work full time and want to continue, are parents both live in town. Her mom is retired, my dad is semi-retired and my mom is retired. How do I start that conversation of do you want to watch the baby? and balance daycare if necessary?

What resources are available for new dad's?

I suspect with retired grandparents they will be arguing over who can watch more.

first of all, congrats!

Can depend on your work situation. In a normal office with a regular or cool manager, you should be able to tell them anytime. Many couples wait until the end of the first trimester because apparently miscarriage rate goes way down after that (no one wants to tell work they are pregnant and then have to tell everyone they are not anymore).

If your situation is tense at work, then the sooner the better I believe. At least it give them time to plan, and takes their excuses away.

With your parents, I would tread lightly, and go in with the assumption of 'we will handle daycare on our own, but if you guys WANT to watch the kid, that is OK'. Childcare is a full time job, and definitely will put a cramp on their current style. I know grandparents who were forced into taking care of their grand kids by slightly irresponsible kids, and it is always tense for everyone. If the grandparents want to watch, start with one day per week, and plan in advance all the check points and how they can call 'timeout' at any point.

As far as resources for new dads: we're here for ya buddy.

z31maniac wrote: I suspect with retired grandparents they will be arguing over who can watch more.

Do they know and have not offered?

First off, congratulations to all parties involved!

I would tell work at approximately the same time you tell anyone other than immediate family. The more forewarning they have, the better they can prepare and the more understanding they'll be.

My wife and I both worked full time with both kids. She got 6 weeks paid maternity leave, and took an additional 6 weeks off without pay. What exactly you guys can do will depend on your situations, but they can't fire her for taking reasonable maternity leave.

We lived near my parents for the first year or two of DD#1's existence, but we arranged daycare on our own and really only used them for limited engagements. After that we moved far enough away that we were fully on our own for daycare. My boss, on the other hand, lives near both in-laws and basically gets free full time daycare for both his kids. The potential savings are huge but so is the potential for infighting between you and them, her and them, them and them, etc. Daycare can be expensive but it is not inherently evil, and kids raised in a good daycare can often be more socially adept, because they've started learning how it works at an early age. How heavily to rely on the GPs for daycare is a topic for discussion between you two and between you two and them. I'd wait to hear if they give you hints to go on before just coming out and asking them.

As far as resources, there are a million and one out there. Your best resource is your gut instinct. And remember, people successfully raised babies in caves heated by driftwood if at all. So your baby is highly unlikely to die from whatever the panic du jour is. They're resilient little buggers.

When my daughter was born, my dad was not yet fully retired. Mom jumped at the chance to watch her, but Dad wanted to retain full freedom, knowing he was to retire soon. Mom said "well, you'll have to go to Florida without me because I have a granddaughter". They ended up taking her 3 days a week and my ex-wife worked from home for 2 days a week for the first year. At one year, we put her in daycare 2 days a week and my parents kept the other 3. The daycare was flexible, and we could go to 5 days any time we wanted. That allowed my parents to travel whenever they wanted without us having to use vacation days. It also helped her socialize and learn to share with other kids.

When my son was born, my wife couldn't work from home, so he did 2 days in daycare and 3 with mom and dad. (Both retired by then, 13 years later) Again, daycare could be 2-5 days per week as needed so we had flexibility. When he turned 3, we moved him to a different daycare for 3 days a week. This one was more like pre-school with a lot more learning activities, he needed the extra stimulation but prefers grandmas. (who wouldn't)

We never paid my parent's, they said that they wanted something to keep them busy during their retirement anyway. They even furnished a baby's room and stocked up on toys and supplies. We offered many times, but they would hear none of it. My kid's lives have been so enriched by the time they spent with their grandparents, and vice versa, so I don't feel too bad.

My daughter eventually got on and off the school bus at her daycare, something to consider if you are not home during those times. My son's daycare is not in our school district, so we will have to change again in another year. What do do after school but before you are home from work is a challenge, some places offer this and others do not.

As for resources, most hospitals offer free Infant First Aid and CPR classes. TAKE THEM. Knowing what to do with a choking baby will come in handy and will lower your stress levels a lot. Other than that, ask. Heck, I'll tell you whatever I can. And decide RIGHT NOW that you are going to be a 100% dad. I shared every responsibility when my daughter was born, and when I got divorced that really came in handy because I could do anything. Not that I would wish that on you of course, my point is that the dads who leave all the "baby raisin' stuff" to mom are missing out...and missing the point.

Congratulations! If you worked here you'd say nothing. Your problems are not our problems. Then you'd figure out our FMLA system and tell us to berkeley off as needed.

read the bullet points of the baby book so when your wife talks about crap you have zero interest in you can be like "are you ok? are you have braxton hicks contractions?" and she'll be "ohhhh you read the book" and look at you with lovey eyes and you can wipe the sweat off your brow and breathe a sigh of relief.

be prepared for sleepless nights. i had a rough time with the kids until they started doing fun things. laying there, sleeping, pooping strange colors, and screaming are not fun things. crawling, exploring, and figuring out their abilities are fun things. but my daughter just started walking last week and it's cool as heck.

learn the "pass the baby as soon as you smell it" followed by the "they must have JUST done that, i had no idea" move. i vomited from a couple diaper changes. it doesn't get better. people that tell you "it's different when it's YOUR baby" lie to propagate the species. it isn't different. it's another being's waste, and cleaning it up is not high on my list of great moments in life.

my wife dropped to 4 days a week instead of 5. kids spend their days with my parents or her mom, depending on availability, and if i am home for some reason i get to hang out with them.

First of all, congratulations! I told my work somewhere around 20-22 weeks, if I remember correctly. That gave everyone plenty of time to arrange coverage, transfer knowledge, etc. for the four weeks that I was gone.

We found that balancing kid time with both sets of parents was a bit of a delicate subject, but if your parents are like ours they are super excited and ready to help. They may not want to do it for free all the time though, which I feel like is reasonable.

I'll have to go back and see what I relied on being a new dad, but whatever you do, for the love of God don't read the last section of What to Expect When You're Expecting unless things have gone terribly wrong.

Congrats on the kid! Not much to add to the above advice, Duke and Pinchy pretty well nailed it.

Put me down for this: as Dad you will be responsible for creating and providing a home and an example. You can't keep a child from failing or make them succeed. You just have to be give them the opportunity to succeed and fail on their own.

I'm sure I'll catch hell for this opinion but parents aren't supposed to be friends. Friendship can come later when they are grown. Children need direction and boundaries, solid direction and clear boundaries will make for a much happier kid than ones otherwise.

Lastly, when you bring home a baby: sleep. Sleep when you can because they can send you into a nasty level of sleep deprivation that makes everything harder.

And don't stress, they sense stress and feed off it.

Oh, rent and watch the movie "babies" with mom. Seriously, it was a big help. They profile 4 kids, Mongolia to Namibia to San Francisco to Tokyo, from conception to a year old or so. When you see that in different cultures, babies crawl in dirt and get licked by yaks, you realize that your house is probably going to be OK.

The "what to expect" series of books are popular. My ex read all of them cover to cover for my daughter, my wife did nothing for my son except use common sense. Both my kids are perfect so....either approach is just fine.

AND don't overlook Mother's Day when she is pregnant. She is doing a lot of work already, and is a mom, so don't wait until baby is born. (Especially if it falls in her third trimester because some women get horny as heck.)

KyAllroad wrote: And don't stress, they sense stress and feed off it.

This is true. The avoidance strategy is hard though. Make sure you and mom take good care of yourselves, because otherwise you are going to be worthless to take care of the baby. Sometimes, she is just going to need some time to herself, and so will you. Oh, and make time for each other, that's important for making sure that the two of you don't lose yourselves in becoming Mom and Dad.

pinchvalve wrote: AND don't overlook Mother's Day when she is pregnant. She is doing a lot of work already, and is a mom, so don't wait until baby is born. (Especially if it falls in her third trimester because some women get horny as heck.)

QFT. if she does, take great advantage of that time, cause you're probably not getting any for at least 6 weeks afterward.

For most of my wife's time off we stayed with her parents (mil works from home most of the time, fil retired) so she would have help while I was at work if needed.

At 3 months my wife was to go back to work, plan was in laws would watch baby for 1st year. Baby was particularly fussy the whole week before. Did not even get to noon on the first day before mil is calling my wife saying we should call the doctor the baby is really fussy. It was then we realized this probably wouldn't work out.

So we do the daycare thing. Not fun having the baby get sick more frequently but I think the interaction with other people and kids is better than sitting at home with grandpa watching fox news all day. She loves daycare and I love being able to see her first thing after work when I pick her up.

Congrats. Being a dad is definitely aweskme

patgizz wrote:

pinchvalve wrote: AND don't overlook Mother's Day when she is pregnant. She is doing a lot of work already, and is a mom, so don't wait until baby is born. (Especially if it falls in her third trimester because some women get horny as heck.)

QFT. if she does, take great advantage of that time, cause you're probably not getting any for at least 6 weeks afterward.

Not probably. That playground is closed for reconstruction for six weeks. On the plus side during the build-up to the big event you can participate in an activity called "ironing the perineum". It beats stitches.

Congrats! Being a Father has given me great perspective and most of the time I would do it again all over again.

Plan for the best case scenario but understand that with kids and birth nothing goes according to plan. Try to roll with the punches and be there for each other when things go off the rails.

Take as much time off as you can. I spent the first month at home with my daughter and wife, and it was well worth it.

For support I recommend the forums on Grassrootsmotorsports.com.

And enjoy sleep while you can.

My wife doesn't work (retired) and son-in-laws mother is retired. All of us in the same town. When our grandson was born neither of us wanted to do full time daycare but wanted to babysit the grandson so we split days. That way both grandmothers get to babysit and have freedom to do their own thing. Now he's old enough for daycare/preschool and unfortunately SIL's mother has medical issues so SWMBO grandma only babysits one or two days a week. But 2nd grandchild is on the way. Actually 4th for us since my son has 2 kids but lives in another state so 1 with 1 on the way local.

Oh yeah, Congrats!!!!!!

I read this book: http://amzn.to/1jpuCJD It was easy and quick to read. Good info on how to handle mom to be and what to expect throughout the pregnancy.

Our baby is due tomorrow. Due dates are rough estimates.

We also took classes at the hospital. Sign up for them. I feel much more prepared and excited since taking the classes.

We told our employers after 12 weeks and they were fine with it. I got some strange advice from people at work. They have prepared me for this being the best of times and worst of times. People tell you weird things and often way too much detail. I am starting to wonder if some of my co-workers are even human from the things they told me.

Start looking for daycare now. Many of the better places have wait lists.

Something my dad told me that I keep going back to is "people have been doing this for thousands of years."

I obsessed over the car seat for a couple weeks and ended up buying a new mommy-mobile to hold the monstrosity that is the infant seat.

Convince some friends to throw you a diaper party. You get a ton of diapers and drink a bunch of beer. I had a blast at mine.

I have no practical advice, but congratulations.

First, congrats! Everyone can give you advice, but to me this is a very personal situation and what worked for me may not work for you. Truly, YMMV. Best advice I can give...

As for work, tell them when you're ready.

Family...impossible to say because I don't know your family dynamics. But I would think that if they want to help babysit, they'll speak up without you asking.

Resources for new dads? Instinct. You can and will get tons of advice from others, which is cool. Read books if you want. But I found that just jumping in and being a dad was all the resource I needed. Hell, I'm 11+ years into being a dad, and I'm still figuring things out.

The relationship between you and your wife will change, it just will. I guess I'm not in the camp of "you have to force it and make time for each other." I'm more in the "accept your new life with open arms" camp. Things are very different with my wife and I now. Before kids, we did everything together...even simple trips to the grocery store. Now, I may go the entire day and only see her for 15-20 minutes from the time we wake until bedtime, because of our schedules. Do I miss her? Sure. Is our relationship different? Yep...both for better and worse. But we're both very happy to be parents and the lack of time together is because of what we're doing with our kids and we wouldn't trade it for the world. Just 5 days ago we celebrated our 16th year of marriage and still going strong.

Congratulations.

We have two kids, that way if I screw the older one up hopefully the younger one will put me in a nice home...

Seriously, there is tons of "advice" out there, know the basics CPR, 1st Aid, etc. Make sure to have a good pediatrician and also program the pediatrician main and after hours numbers in the phone. Let her call when she has a concern, big or small.

Don't be afraid to ask questions of others, here, friends, etc. If you don't ask the answer will always be "no."

Lastly, my job as a dad is to raise the child the best I can, followed by hope and prayer they come out as a productive human being. I will give them baggage, by nature I will and I can't help it. I just try and limit the baggage to a small carry on, and not 5 carry-ons and 14 checked bags...

O yeah don't forget to laugh...

Congrats! My son is 10.5 months.

Lots of good advice here! If only for backup, get a daycare lined up. They fill up quick and if the Grandparents do the sitting, then you'll only loose a small fee, but that's better than losing a month's worth of income waiting for a spot to open up.

As for reading material, find a book store or better yet, a used book store (Half Priced Books), and page through all of the books for parents. Sooner or later you'll find one that speaks to you or both of you. The one that we got was from a Doc/Nurse couple named Sears.

The easiest way to find out if the Grandparents want to watch them is to ask if they'd like to watch them. Ya know, tact.

Thanks all for the congrats and advice. I am really excited, we have been trying for 2 years, so we are still in a little shock that it is happening. When we saw the sonogram this week, it became little more real.

Daycare question, where did you look and what exactly makes one better then the other? Same question but pediatrician.

We asked the OB doctor for suggests for a pediatrician. It turned out that was a great idea. We now have a family doctor for, well, our family!

We took tours of the daycares that we thought would work location wise. We ended up going with the YMCA's daycare facility because we were already members. We love it. Everyone is great and I think our son greats great care. It is basically another mortgage payment but it wasn't even the most expensive place; it was actually the second cheapest and only $10/week more than the cheapest.

By the time we had two in day care it was a toss up between the cost of day care and simply hiring a private nanny/au pair. We stayed with a private day care because it seemed like the best choice for socialization with other kids but stability of caregiver (you never know what kind of turnover commercial daycares may have).