paging PilotBraden

I hope this doesn't feel like I am prying, but I have been thinking about you.

I know you have had a pretty devastating personal loss recently.

How you are doing?

Thanks for the the thoughts, it is not prying. I honestly don't know how I am doing. I have never been so sad, depressed and lonely, the joy of life seems to be gone. I wake up in the night and get out of bed looking for Carrie, thinking she might be on the porch having a glass of milk and a cigarette after a few steps I realize that I am alone. I then break down and cry my eyes out. After this happens sleep does not come easy, as a consequence I am exhausted. I have stayed with friends a few nights and I get a much better night of sleep away from home. I have seen a therapist and frankly it does not seem to help very much. I am fortunate to have many friends that love me and care about me. I hope that things can only get better.

I have been thinking about making Carrie's Ford Focus a Challenge car or perhaps a Rallycross car with a berkeley Heroin theme. I realize that life must go on but I am also realizing that I am permanently scarred and altered. I have never fallen in love the way that I love Carrie, it is the the most wonderful thing that has happened to me and I must concentrate on that. She was the love of my life. I miss her so damn much.

oh wow, sorry dude

I am sure that I like many others here wish we could do more for you. But all I can say is we are here for you. We are all willing to listen. We are all pulling for you.

If you don't feel that the person you saw is helping try another. Not every car is for every person. That is why there are many to choose from. Therapists are the same.

In reply to dean1484:

That is my plan. I used to attend NA meetings periodically with Carrie, I have gone back to her group and it seems to help me more than the therapist. And thanks again for the thoughts.

+1 for challenge car.

At least come on down to the challenge this year. Looks like you are near Detroit? my buddy lives there so we can potentially give you a ride there and back. And you can come help work on the car too if you are so inclined!

In reply to pilotbraden:

Man you really need some help. I can feel pain in your heart. I think re-visiting NA would be great step forward.

In reply to Robbie:

I am a Flint boy, I may well take you up on the Challenge, work permitting

Have you considered writing a book? It might save some other people the same grief you are having right now.

Thanks for speaking up.

A friend of mine died from lung cancer on the 16th. I knew it was coming. I had a chance to say goodbye. I was able to thank her for being a great friend and mentor. I still feel punched in the gut. My instinct has been to withdraw, even though it not what I need. I know you got hit a lot harder.

Like Dean said, you are not alone. You are part of the GRM extended family. We care about you. We will do what we can to help. Please reach out if it helps.

In reply to tuna55:

Right now I really don't know what to write other than don't play with heroin, that poisoned E36 M3 kills. After I get things back to a semblance of normal I might have some more useful ideas. I have been in varying states of shock since 3:30 pm May 21st, when 2 police sergeants told me that Carrie had died of a heroin overdose in a McDonalds bathroom. It did not seem real at that time and I still struggle to accept the fact that I will never speak to her and hold on to her. I still expect to come home and find her smiling face greeting me. Someday perhaps I can write something meaningful. Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement.

Sorry for your loss.

I don't have much constructive to contribute other than echo what others have already said. Mourn her passing, but don't withdraw too much from everyday life. And of course we are here for you whenever you want to share. You're in our thoughts and prayers.

In reply to spitfirebill: I am planning on more NA meetings, Carrie went on and off for 6 or 7 years. The people there really loved her and pass that on to me. I attended 15 or 20 meetings with her over the past 4 years and it has helped me be better person.

Wow. I'm broken hearted for you.

Thanks for the thoughts, I truly consider you friends even though I have never met most of you in person. I feel that you are kind, gentle people that have others best interest at heart. It has helped me having this conversation today. I also have enjoyed putting up some pictures of Carrie, she was a lady that enjoyed life and did everything with me, I have been very fortunate.

This is going to sound E36 M3ty and for that I apologize, but my divorce struck me similarly. I thought we were going to grow old together, raise our kids together, everything. Then in one conversation I was summarily dismissed from my life. I was forced to reinvent myself, make new friends, find a new home. It wrecked me for a couple of years and honestly, I was jealous of people who had a spouse die. Loss and rejection suck. There isn't any fast way to get over it, but things fade with time. You WILL find someone else. You'll never forget Carrie but you'll continue on and the pain will get to be a little less each day until one day you'll realize that you made it all the way to dinner without having thought about her.

Until then.....Ambien was actually the best thing for a bit. Sleep deprivation is brutal and leads the mind down some dark pathways. Do whatever you need to do to get some real sleep, seriously.

In reply to KyAllroad:

Don't apologize,hurt is hurt. Thanks for the help

pilotbraden wrote:

That is a stunning picture. Beautiful ink, beautiful woman.

In reply to SVreX:

Thanks ,she is everything that I have ever wanted , Beautiful, brains, fearless , devoted, and she was becoming an accomplished welder. Damn it all I miss my best friend

In reply to pilotbraden:

It's totally healthy for you to miss her. Don't avoid that.

In reply to tuna55:

I agree, there is no way that I can avoid missing Carrie