Parenting is hard.

Long rambling story ahead as I'm trying to wrap my head around what's going on and include a little background to how we got here.

Sorry.

My son just turned ten. He was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder a years ago but he's also gifted. It's a combination that has made school a place of torture for him. Last year his Occupational Therapist recommended to us that he see a counselor as he was having trouble  coping with the stresses of school and he was uncomfortable talking to us about it. Over the last two years the school counselor and principal OT, counselor and us have all worked together to achieve workable coping mechanism for when he was being overwhelmed. We had some trouble with some teachers at the school  not following through with his 504 plan that resulted in him getting in trouble for doing what he had been coached by us to do when he felt like he couldn't cope. He felt that no matter what he did he was getting in trouble for things he has no control over. So he has learned not to trust his teachers or administrators.

Last year was really rough. This year was shaping up to be better. Not academically, that's excellent, emotionally. His counselor says that his brain is working more like a 14-15yo than a 10yo. His reading and comprehension is on a middle school level. Often times I have to remind myself that he's only ten. The counselor is thinking that he may be starting to go through early puberty. In 4th grade...I can't even imagine.

Let me cut to the chase. About two weeks ago he came home all upset. He was bawling. He's been extremely emotional ever since. What he told us and his counselor is that one of the kids at school has a very dirty mind and the things he talks about are inappropriate but he can't stop thinking about it. We suggested that  he tell this boy that he doesn't like when he talks about these things. He did so but of course the kid now knows that it bothers him and is doing it even more.  So it's been progressively getting worse for the last two weeks. Monday morning I get a call from his GATE teacher saying that he has been crying uncontrollably for a half hour and he just says he misses us. So I talk to him and he has a pretty good rest of the day. He had a counseling session that evening and told the counselor  that he is worried that he may be gay. And that he doesn't want to be gay. She asked him if he knew what it meant and he did. She asked him if he ever thinks about other boys in a sexual way. He said no. She asked him if he ever had a crush on a boy, he said no. She asked about a girls. He has a crush on a girl in his class now but he can't get the thoughts of what this boy keeps talking about out of his head.

Yesterday was a fight to even get him to go to school but he did. He cried a lot during school and basically cried  himself to sleep last night.

Today the wife calls me just before lunch time saying the assistant principle called her and wanted a meeting at noon. Said it was urgent that they have a meeting as soon as possible and that is was a sensitive issue. So we both left work and met the AP and the school counselor for about an hour and a half. Apparently he had a meltdown in PE. He bawled uncontrollably for a half hour  so the teacher brought him to the office. He told the AP that he didn't feel safe at school and he was scared that he was gay. He said that other kids are saying things to him and he can't stop thinking about it. She had him write down exactly what the kids were saying. And this is where we have an issue. What he wrote down is not in any way close to what he's been telling us and his counselor. Obviously the school can only go by what he wrote down. The long and short of the meeting is that he is a distraction to the class and he is not able to do his work due to the his continued emotional breakdowns. It seem to us like they are looking at us for a quick fix to do something. I honestly don't know what more we can do. My wife and I, as well as his counselor are under the impression that he told the school a different story because he has learned not to trust them and he's scared to get either himself in trouble or the other kids in his class. He feels like he doesn't fit in because honestly he is operating on a different level than the kids in his class. It doesn't help that we held him back a year starting school due to his delays on the advice of his therapists.

Obviously there is a whole lot more to the story than I can put here and my mind is all scrambled. I've got a very upset kid and I have no idea how to make it better for him. I know his mom and myself are both emotionally spent from this last two weeks, I can't even imagine the stress that my little man is under right now.

It could be that he is gay. Although neither us nor his counselor believe that to be the case. In any case we've tried to assure him that no matter what we still love him the same. I'm wondering how or why a ten year old is having sexual thoughts gay or straight.

It could be that, God forbid, someone has done something to him and he hasn't been able to tell anyone about it and he doesn't know how to. Lord I hope not but it's obvious that something has triggered this drastic change in behavior. I'm hoping that's just me projecting my fears.

It could be that he is going through early puberty and those hormones are playing hell with an already fragile mind of a boy that doesn't fit in with his peers. And all he wants to do is fit in.

We put in a call to his doctor and she wants to refer him to a psychiatrist. They want to have him diagnosed as having anxiety disorder which apparently only a psychiatrist can do. They think that having that on record with the school will open up more tools for them to use with him.

I know this isn't the type of thing most people would put on a car forum. But I value the judgment and advice this place offers and I'm honestly lost. I'm burnt out and need to get a different perspective on the situation. I have no idea how to deal with this issue other than go through the doctor process.

In the district where I grew up--which was admittedly very wealthy and very good with special needs, to the point that parents with severely autistic kids/downs syndrome/cerebral palsy/etc. would move into the district because of it--your child would have had an aide with him all day, probably through middle school. Is that an option through the district? Other resources?

My two other thoughts are that homeschooling for a year or two may be worth exploring, and the big one: you need to find out what happened. that may be impossible, and it may be nothing, but it does seem like it has the groundwork for something bad. 

In reply to mtn :

He wants to be homeschooled badly. It's not possible. We are barely getting by with both of us working full time and if he needs to see a psychiatrist regularly one of us will need to get a second job.

Also, because the sensory processing is a relatively new thing, we get the feeling that the school doesn't really see it as an actual disability. Even though we've provided so much paperwork and doctors diagnoses to try and educate them on it. The feeling is that if we can get them to diagnose him with anxiety, which all of the professionals agree he has, that it would be easier for the school district to accept because it's been around for much longer and is a more common diagnoses.

In reply to Nick (Bo) Comstock :

He either needs to find a different school that's better suited to him, or to be home-schooled. Is it possible you and/or his mother could school him in the evenings? It sounds like things are heading towards disaster if left to continue in his present school. 

In reply to Pete Gossett :

But then what would we do with him during the day? He can't go to work with us.

So he was held back a year but he's capable of work that's four or five years advanced? I can't comment on the other aspects of this, but I had a miserable time in school for many years because of a similar disparity. Figure out what his favorite subject is, or who his favorite teacher is, and see if you can work out some sort of independent study through the department. Getting pulled out of the routine and having even one class a day where he gets some relief from what in all likelihood is tortuously dull work, and some positive recognition of his intellectual capability, might be enough to fortify him to get through the rest of it easier. Frankly anything - gifted programs (if those are still a thing), clubs or other activities - that gives him an outlet where his intelligence is an asset rather than a liability.

Of course, that said, what finally settled my brain down was coming to realization that none of if mattered, so I stopped playing the game, which led to me bombing every single class my junior year. A buddy who teaches there told me that I still held the school record for lowest final average in an honors class ever, at least as of a few years ago.

Man that was agonizing just to read. That poor kid. 

I have no clue what to say except something I learned from my very patient wife: remember that the boy doesn't do this for fun. I can tell from what you've written that you are very aware of this. But as much as you can do to comfort him and make sure he knows you have his back.. try to do even more. The last people he needs amplifying the situation, is his parents.

I don't say that because I think you are making it worse - it sounds like you have clarity in your understanding. And you're trying everything possible. But still - keep it in mind. He is a little kid, confused and scared. His school seems to be useless. I hate the thought of psychiatric meds but it sure sounds like a chemical imbalance. I wish you guys well. 

Keep trying.

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Nick, my oldest is 2 so I can't offer much advice. But I am so, so sorry for what you and your son and wife are going through. It got my stomach in knots just reading this. I hope you can find something that can alleviate his pain.

my wife is a psychologist and I will try to have her read this and give any advice she ethically can. She doesn't do childhood or developmental issues but she might have some advice anyway. I do know that psychiatrists tend to just diagnose and prescribe meds whereas psychologists will do more therapy. I missed whether he's been to a psychologist - maybe it's time for that. They can diagnose anxiety disorders too and won't just jump to a pill as the solution. 

02Pilot said:

So he was held back a year but he's capable of work that's four or five years advanced?

Yes he was first diagnosed with sensory processing delays before he started school. It's extremely rare that a child that has these type of delays do well academically and they have a hard time dealing with the school environment. So based on the advice of the people involved at the time we held him back a year.

I feel for you.  It just kills you when our children have issues you are not capable of dealing with yourself.  My daughter is having similar issues with her oldest son, but not nearly that severe.  He had two great therapists in WV, then one not great one and has had mediocre ones in SC.  Part of the problem is babydaddy is crazy and deliberately interferes with everything.   The school district is trying.  My wife taught special ed in the same district for 30 years so they can't pull any crap.           

My initial reaction is that he is being bullied.  Other boys are taunting him, playing on his fears, and finding what he reacts to and focusing on it relentlessly.  The situation is not uncommon, but is exacerbated by your sons condition.  The other boys in the class should be held accountable for their behavior and some sensitivity training should be provided.  You are doing your part with counseling and therapy, it's time for the rest of the class to start acting appropriately in school or be sent home until they can be kind to other children. 

Wow im sorry your going through that, its rough enough having to deal with my kids issues and they deal well with other kids. Every school systems answer seems to be drug the kid into compliance. Using a psychiatrist or counselor they dont recomend tends to offer better answers. 

I have no wisdom or practical suggestion to share, but I do want to say that you and your wife are good parents, it's obvious you really care about your son, and lots of people on here and in "real" life are rooting for you. It can feel really lonely to wrestle with a problem like this, but you're not alone. 

Wowie wow wow!  I have no idea, this isn't a stuck clutch or something hard. 

My daughter in law is a psychiatrist specializing in children under 14.  I explained your plight to her, without meeting the kid it's difficult-impossible to help but suggested a psychologist-psychiatrist would help with evaluations and testing.  As your son is functioning (not Special Needs) the school system may not want to interfere with the situation for liability reasons.

She suggested taking a deep breath as a family, focus on all the good stuff and find a provider that your son feels comfortable with.  The school also needs to follow the rules that have been put in place with the 504  plan.

Your pediatrician can provide a referral to psychologist.

Good luck, Dan

In reply to pinchvalve :

Then you are in agreement with us and the professionals he sees weekly.  However, what he wrote, in his own words, does not match the story that he had been consistently telling us for weeks and the school is unwilling to act based on what he wrote. 

We have a letter from his counselor stating our side of it. In hopes that it will carry more weight than the word of the parents of what the schools sees as a "problem child". 

There AP said she felt he was comfortable enough with them to tell them the truth. We know he is not based on previous experience.

Dude, that whole situation sucks, I'm really sorry you and yours are having to go through that.

I think Dropstep is on the money on this one.  It sounds like your son is getting harassed and bullied, sometimes we forget that kids can be brutal little E36 M3s and when one of their herd is "different" they will be unbelievably nasty.  Sadly the more sensitive the child the harder their peers will push those buttons.  Can you get him out of there?  My first thought reading your story was that he needed a one-on-one roadtrip with you for a week to help him focus his thoughts and learn that he's ok and his stressors are external.  Unfortunately I understand the financial pressures all too well so this might not be workable.

Is there any way for his school to get him a teaching assistant?  Even for just a week or two but having someone at his side full time could break the cycle and possibly move the target of the bullies on to a new target.

914Driver said:

Wowie wow wow!  I have no idea, this isn't a stuck clutch or something hard. 

My daughter in law is a psychiatrist specializing in children under 14.  I explained your plight to her, without meeting the kid it's difficult-impossible to help but suggested a psychologist-psychiatrist would help with evaluations and testing.  As your son is functioning (not Special Needs) the school system may not want to interfere with the situation for liability reasons.

She suggested taking a deep breath as a family, focus on all the good stuff and find a provider that your son feels comfortable with.  The school also needs to follow the rules that have been put in place with the 504  plan.

Your pediatrician can provide a referral to psychologist.

 

Good luck, Dan

 

Those are the steps we have taken last night. There is a long waiting list to be seen at the local facility. They are trying to get us expedited with the hopes of seeing someone within the week. My wife is a little reluctant.

He is not in any meds currently and we don't believe he needs to be placed on them. His pediatrician and counselor are both very anti meds so hopefully they don't try to go that route. 

Nick (Bo) Comstock said:

In reply to Pete Gossett :

But then what would we do with him during the day? He can't go to work with us.

Can he deal with being left at home alone for ~8-hours? That's about the right age. Assign him homework the previous night, give him a list of chores you expect done, and hold him accountable for getting them done? Obviously he has advanced intelligence, what's his maturity level?

You're not alone man, my 8-year old son has a sensory disorder as well. We did OT until the credit card debt was too much to handle (not covered under insurance). We homeschool partly due to his issues. Highly intelligent kid, but there's no way he'd be able to handle public school without constantly being in trouble. He's doing some school work on a much higher level, but some it just right for his age. We've spent thousands on tests because we didn't just want to throw drugs at the problem. Docs don't recommend meds right now, so we aren't going that route. As I type this my wife is teaching the kids their lessons in the back yard where they can run around at the same time as they answer questions. We just roll with it.
 

I don't have any advice for the situation, but you aren't alone.

Man that's heart wrenching. It sounds like you and his mother are both trying really hard. It sounds like your doing the best you can. Stay patient (REALLY hard for me....) and kjeep showing him you love him and work through it.

"It could be that he is going through early puberty and those hormones are playing hell with an already fragile mind of a boy that doesn't fit in with his peers. And all he wants to do is fit in."

This sentence plus the sensory processing disability make it sound like a crazy hard growing experience. Sounds like a perfect storm of emotions and hormones for bullies to pick up on and pick at. 

Can he be moved to a different classroom? It almost seems like a drastic change in environment would do good. But it might also be just something that needs to be worked though. Crying all day in class is only going to make the bulling worse (which IMO - not any kind of doc/psychiatrist etc) it sure sounds like is happening. 

I like the idea someone else mentioned of a week vacation/road trip. Just a reset, take a week to not deal with school and bullies/anything except adventure/fun/relaxation and just clear the head. Turn off the ohones, TV's etc and talk drive hike etc.

Really sorry to hear everything your going through, but I sure think with your and his mothers support and a psychiatrist he can click with he will grow and work through it. It's just going to be a tough couple of years while he learns about himself and how he works in the world.

Can you move him to another school?  My daughter was getting bullied at her middle school (by girls in our neighborhood, yippee!) to the point that she basically refused to go back there.

Moved her to a new school and she's much, much happier.

I agree on the bullying from other kids. Are they saying,"youre so gay"  The other boys don't really know what it means other than " your different or I don't like you". 

Acuse your school of allowing bullying and put the responsability on them to prove it is not happening. 

Nick (Bo) Comstock said:

Parenting is hard.

Understatement of the year.  While I typically feel like parenting our infant and toddler is hard enough on most days, I'm in awe of the families (the parents, and especially the kids) who are taking on so much larger of challenges. So keep your chins up and your heads held high...You, your wife, and your son are all inspirational to other parents like me.

I'll second or third the look for a new school option, if for no other reason than it will be easier to get him to trust the administration in a new setting.

Is there a Montessori school near you? The one I worked at in college was particularly well suited to students with disparate levels of maturity and cognition in different areas or subjects. If not, is there or are home school co-ops legal in your area? Typically they let individual parents share the burden such that you can both keep working.