In reply to Hungary Bill (Forum Supporter) :
The image you shared was actually the first two times we hung out a few months ago. She was apologetic to the point of contrition and almost crying. It was the exact thing I wanted three months after we split, but 6 years later, it was more of a validation than an ache relief. I told her she had no responsibility to participate in my healing, but I tried as best as I could to really validate her genuine apology. I know she was truly sorry.
Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) said:
She was apologetic to the point of contrition and almost crying.
Be wary of that. Oftentimes manipulative people (needy people are manipulative) will be very contrite to get you back into their lives. The more... emotionally effusive... they are about it, the more likely I think it is that they're likely to continue with old habits. They often feel very bad, because the thing feeding them got taken away, not because they hurt someone.
Not saying that's what's happening. Just saying be cautious.
I think it's really more about who YOU are and what YOU are capable of. If you're able to recognize, communicate, and assert what you need - even if she's not healthy enough to give it, you'll be able to walk away fine. If you're *not* able to do that... it doesn't matter how good she's doing.
I have a very healthy relationship, but it has unhealthy portions that need work at times. I can only do that work to keep it healthy because of where I am at.
Curtis:
I haven't read this whole thread, or even very much of it.
But I've met you and I consider you a friend.
I know you wear your heart on your sleeve, you think the best of everyone, and you throw that whole heart into whatever you do.
I'm not saying don't do this, I'm just saying tread lightly and slowly.
Communicate freely and unfiltered with each other, but about the past and the now, and take the now slow. It's likely the communication and understanding that you had of and for one another is the feeling and engagement that you've missed. But ensuring that communication is the primary initial engagement will also provide the opportunity for reminders of why it didn't previously work out to reemerge without projecting or painting anything in a negative light or discounting growth and gained perspective.
And communicate in methods other than that of a certain oncology nurse.
In reply to Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) :
I understand how easy it is to "fall for the kid". That's why I recommended caution about it.
Kids are easy to fall for. But your relationship with her can't be based on your feelings for her son. He's not your kid. He's hers. You can add value to his life, but only through your relationship with his mom. You have to put her first. Not him.
Im about to gain a stepdaughter and a stepson. I'm developing relationships with them, and enjoying it. A lot. But I'm not their dad, nor their mom. My relationship is with their mom, and they are just nice side additions. If I let myself fall for the kids too much, I will damage my relationship with their mom. I often disagree with her parenting. But I never challenge it.
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