Single dad's who pay child support please help

So long story short I had a beautiful baby girl thus past December with a girl I was dating but am no longer with. We get along fine. I get to see my daughter every Tues/Thurs and rotate weekends with her mom. Problem is my daughter's mother and I have yet to go to court to set up child support. I was giving her money in the form of checks and paying half of the child care but we had a disagreement over money and agreed to go to the courts to have a dollar amount worked out.

Since then I have only been paying my half of child care because she said she didn't want any money from me until we go to court. It's been amost two months and she still hasn't submitted any paper work to get the ball rolling and get a hearing set. I went downtown and got us both packets to fill out for family services and have had my form filled out since March 8th but she has yet to complete hers.

I'm worried that with her taking so long to submit that when we finally get a hearing to get this all worked out the back payments I'll owe will me massive. I'm also worried the courts will view me poorly since I have paid anything to her since February even though she told me not to.

I've been told to see an attorney by friends but how will that get her moving on getting the proper paper work submitted for us to get a hearing.

Sorry for the long post but I'm stressing over this.

Thanks

I said long story short. That was not short. Not even close

I have not been in your situation but what I read is you waiting for her.
What I wonder is why you can not start this. Your exactly half of the parents.
Could/would/should you ask for full custody then why would you have to wait to get that rolling.

File yourself. Get a lawyer! If you keep waiting for her it will only get worse.

I waited and got screwed.

Lawyer up, doode. You're about to be screwed for 18 years.

In reply to Kia_Racer:

Can you elaborate on how you got screwed? Thx

Talk to a lawyer. The sooner the better. There are a lot of ways this can go bad and getting ahead of it is the best way to go.

When my sister was in your situation she put money (about how much he lawyer said it might be if she had to pay, which she didn't in the end) every month. She also had her lawyer notify he ex (and his lawyer) that this was happening. She then had a record of not being a dead beat, regular deposits, on record, and confirmed communication that she wasn't going to just had it over (which is what he wanted) until the court decided. She also contributed to a 529 plan every paycheck. All of this established a trail of responsibility which is what the court really wanted to see. When it came time for the hearing the judge was impressed enough by her discipline and clearly putting her daughter first that the order was simply to continue sharing expenses rather than one party handing money over to the other.
Your results may vary wildly, but I'd be working hard to show a clear history of responsibility and financial discipline as far as your daughter goes. That's what the state seems to want.

I have an account set up for her that I've put money into. Any money given has been by check so it can be proven. I also have sent text inquiring into the progress of the forms being filled out and filed. My ex-wife of all people also suggested I talk to an attorney and gave me a few numbers to call.

dankspeed wrote: In reply to Kia_Racer: Can you elaborate on how you got screwed? Thx

I waited until she filed. I was spending money to try to save my marriage. The last thing she wanted was for me to get rid of my sporty car (Eclips) and get a family car. I did, two days later she filed. I was at a decent job but not making great money. Couldn't afford a lawyer so she got everything and I had to find a very cheap place to live.

If I had filed, I probably would have gotten custody as the now Ex had told me I couldn't see our daughter.

Now, they live in TN, I live in TX. I see my daughter twice a year. I am supposed to have her every odd weekend plus spring break, every other Thanksgiving among other things. And nothing I can do about it. This was 10 years ago. I am much less bitter now.

Dr. Hess wrote: Lawyer up, doode. You're about to be screwed for 18 years.

22 if college is involved. A lawyer will lay down a LEGAL paper trail. Very important.

Currently getting screwed by the system/ex, so the bitterness is real. Only 4 and 7 more years respectively till my money is mine again. But at least the ex wants for nothing and lives an easy life while I struggle to make ends meet. berkeley family court.

Good luck dude, this won't be an easy journey for you. Get lawyer now!

Get a good lawyer.

Get everything in writing. She says she doesnt want money from you, have her write it down.

Now step back and remember despite whatever is going on between you, there's a kid, think about that kid and do what's best for her. Keep her best interest in mind and dont let things get petty and it CAN go ok.

For the flip side of the argument. My daughter was a year old when the ex and I split. We put her best interests first and the ex actually agreed to a reduction in the state mandated support amount because she thought I should have enough money to have a decent home for my daughter to visit. Before the divorce my opinion had always been that I wasn't paying for college so when we split it was never a consideration in the proceedings. My obligation ended at 18. According to the paperwork of course, I still have an obligation to do right by my kid. But she was raised with the knowledge no one was paying her way so she busted her ass and got a bunch of scholarships, in the end we get a $1000 bill for UMD every year, I happily pay it.

Get past any anger, any personal issues and work out the right thing for the kid. If there was ever a time my kid needed something I paid for it, I didnt debate what the law said I owed, I did what was right for my kid. Do the same and you'll be fine.

The race to the courthouse isn't supposed to matter... You need to win that race... Trust me..

You just do..

That being said attorneys will cost you... and more than just money. The family court system despite any claim to the contrary encourages and promotes adversarial interactions which are wildly harmful to the kids all while claiming to be functioning for "the best interest of the kids" Every time you end up in family court you are pissing away a college education and more than likely finding or creating more reasons to dislike the person you are supposed to be "co-parenting" with..

It simply doesn't work.

So..... If there is any way possible you need to avoid that and work things out. If she doesn't ask for your money and isn't withholding time from your child, and you are satisfied with how things are going other than her not taking your money there may not be a reason to head to court. In fact if you consistently make payments with Child support or your child name in the memo line you can establish a contract by default.. but you should have something in writing.

I am in the middle of this right now and I have gone from being a stay at home dad to supervised visitation all based on totally false allegations. It has cost me dearly to get back to where I started after she won the race to the courthouse..... which is far behind where things should be... I have horror stories I wouldn't believe if I didn't know them to be true.

Talk to an Attorney ASAP.

I'm kind of in a similar situation with my daughter. Me and her mother are no longer together, but not at each others throats. Although I get the kid 4 days a week, and she gets foodstamps, WIC, and was able to claim her on her taxes last year(not in the future, she got screwed this year, so the kid is on my returns in the future). I buy everything at my house, she gets everything free for her and has the kid less often. Not the best situation, but it helps her to work more and keeps my kid free weekend jam packed with all the stuff I can't get done with a baby wandering around.

She has an older daughter, and it took 7 years, 4 arrests, 2 overdoses, and a hell of a lot of prodding from everyone in her life before she went after the scumbag father for child support, so I feel I'm in the clear on this one. The father got arrested and OD'd, not my ex, just to clarify. She hates the court system as much as I do, so keeping out is a mutual interest.

If you guys can be civil, it could keep working as it is, but since the paperwork is already started, your best bet is to find the best lawyer you can afford. If you're not very civil, contact EVERY family lawyer you can find. It helps in divorce, I imagine the whole conflict of interest thing could work in family court as well.

We're very civil and my schedule with my daughter is fair I just don't like that she's dragging her feet in getting a court date so we can get this all on paper and get a dollar amount agreed to. I don't mind paying child support I just want that amount decided by the court based on parenting schedule and how much each parent makes. I don't make a whole lot more money than her and our patenting time is close to equal. Just want to go to court and get it all in writing.

Ignorant question:

Why can't you guys come up w/ those numbers yourself and write up a "parenting contract" w/out having to go to court?

In reply to dankspeed:

I don't have a lot to offer- never been in your situation.

I have, however, been the kid. My parents have been separated for over 50 years- I have no memories of them being together.

And this comes from a time when divorces were not common. I didn't know a single other kid growing up whose parents were split up.

The point I'm trying to make is that the "lawyer up" and " your gonna get screwed" perspectives are really troubling, and completely counter to the needs of the child.

I understand the world has changed, and you need to be wise. But I also know what my parents did right- I have never heard them fight, nor speak disparagingly about each other. They have chosen my entire life to respect each other as the parent of their children. It can't be easy, but it is truly worthwhile.

When there was a birthday party, both my parents were there. When there was a parent/ teacher conference, both my parents were there together (without their respective spouses). Even last month, after over 50 years of separation, my mother was in attendance at my father's 90th birthday celebration.

The bottom line for me (as the child), is a total sense of having 2 parents that love me and care about me, who don't spend their energies burdening me with their personal crappy problems.

It sounds like you are basically on the start of this same path, and I'd like to encourage you in that. Yeah, you probably need a legal agreement, but you need to understand the goals first. If the goal is to protect your money, or your custody time, or any other selfish goal, get over it.

You have a child. Your child's mother is incredibly important to her, and should remain that way to you for the rest of your life. Without the mother, you'd have no kid.

I just wanted to encourage you to keep the priorities.

bluej wrote: Ignorant question: Why can't you guys come up w/ those numbers yourself and write up a "parenting contract" w/out having to go to court?

Are these things mutually exclusive? Seems you could come to an agreement together and then take that to the appropriate legal authority so that you both are protected from surprises later.

Can't you treat this like a cooperative business contract? Even if you trust each other, you still both need to CYA legally. That doesn't have to be adversarial. A lawyer is still valuable to be sure the contract is written properly before taking it to a judge.

bluej, I hoped we could. I came to a point where I passed the threshold for what I was willing to pay without the courts involved. She obviously wanted me to pay that and possibly more. I tried to talk to her about reaching an amount agreeable to both of us and she got very defensive. We are able to talk and agree to everything except money. That's what we need the courts for. Hoping they'll be fair. I've heard from others I work with and know that have dealt with them that they are.

SVreX,

That's the goal. My priority is my daughter and making sure she has everything she needs to be happy and successful. Supportive parents that get along is on that list . I'm layed back and don't get caught up in drama and hoping her mother is the same. So far so good except this issue of taking too long to get a date with family court. I have hesitant to get a lawyer because I don't want to send the message that I want a fight. I don't. I just want what's fair for all of us. My parents were divorced since I was twelve but always were good to each other for the benefit of the kids.

In reply to dankspeed:

You don't get a lawyer because you want a fight. You get a lawyer so that you are prepared for a fight.

True but right now we agree on everything except money. She only gets defensive about money. I fear if I "lawyer up" she gets defensive on everything and now I have a big fight over everything instead of a disagreement over money. This is why I'm cautious of getting a attorney. I am going to meet with one though to make sure I'm not setting up myself to get screwed.

Contact one. Have them briefed and ready. Have them revue documents.

Just don't have them serve documents or obviously prepare them with like letterhead or language that is clearly not you.

Beer Baron wrote: Contact one. Have them briefed and ready. Have them revue documents. Just don't have them serve documents or obviously prepare them with like letterhead or language that is clearly not you.

^this. If she's being disagreeable about money then she will use every other aspect to get that money. Its not "just one thing"

Once you have an attorney she may become very agreeable because she will suddenly understand that you are playing for keeps here.

Option 2...find a mediator. They are an attorney that works for both of you, not one or the other, they keep it all legal and get the paperwork done, and help work toward resolution in a dispute. This is how the ex and I did our divorce. We worked out the finer points in advance so we had to pay the mediator for an hour of her time to make it all legal.