Coaching youth sports

Not fun. I had a coach yelling at me on Sunday that I (a referee) was benching his kid for 3 games because I gave him a fighting call. Well, no, I'm only giving him a fighting penalty and game misconduct. The extra games come from our sanctioning body. He punched a kid in the face, I don't know what else you want me to call it. Take it up with them. Or better yet, teach your players that you can't punch anyone. Not my problem.

It happens. But good on you for putting up with it. And also good on you for benching the kid. Maybe next time he keeps his mouth shut.

Ugh...

I just got roped into helping coach my oldest sons' lacrosse team. I've made it clear that I'll help herd cats, I'm not interested in being a head coach.

Keep your chin up, if you didn't piss someone off you weren't doing it right. . The fact that you made it a couple of months without any real drama says tons about being a good coach. I don't think you will ever have a team where all the kids and parents agree with your decisions. Do what you think is fair and when the whining starts offer to let them have a go at what you do, that will likely change the attitude quickly. In my mind, your job as a coach is to teach the kids about the fundamentals of the sport, sportsmanship and respect for the coaches and their decisions. It seems like you have done a pretty good job of that. Hopefully it will remain fun for you for quite a while and your lessons will live on in the kids that play on your teams.

mazdeuce wrote: Be. On. Time. Nothing creates bad feelings faster than the coach being five or ten minutes late for practice or games.

This... and:

Finish.
On.
Time.
Nothing creates bad feelings faster than the coach being five or ten or 45 minutes late finishing practice or games.

Don't make me have to sit there waiting for the coach/trainer to finish up his drills. Or doing a 20 minute "debriefing" at a travel game 2hrs away when people want to go the berkeley home and save what is left of the weekend.

If coach wants an extra 30 minutes of practice... say so before dragging parents into the parking lot. You can't expect people to respect your time if you don't respect theirs.

If it makes you feel any better, I had a few kids complain that their shift was shorter than others. Now this is mites (u8), they play 1.5 minute shifts and then the buzzer goes off so both teams switch lines at the same time. So aside from Joe volunteer timekeeper making rare mistake hitting the buzzer, they all get identical shift times. Kids really have no sense of time while they are on the ice.

Thankfully we don't have the drama you do, but I'm starting to see the roots of it developing.

Oh, and on the penalties thing: my dad would bench a kid another shift after he got out of the box because it messed up his lines so bad.

This wasn't a hard-and-fast rule--there are good penalties and bad penalties after all (and unintentional penalties), but probably 90% of penalties fall under the "bad penalties" moniker, so they'd be benched another shift to drive the point home. Especially since there was a kid getting shorted ice time because of the penalized player.

Huckleberry wrote:

mazdeuce wrote: Be. On. Time. Nothing creates bad feelings faster than the coach being five or ten minutes late for practice or games.

This... and: Finish. On. Time. Nothing creates bad feelings faster than the coach being five or ten or 45 minutes late finishing practice or games. Don't make me have to sit there waiting for the coach/trainer to finish up his drills. Or doing a 20 minute "debriefing" at a travel game 2hrs away when people want to go the berkeley home and save what is left of the weekend. If coach wants an extra 30 minutes of practice... say so before dragging parents into the parking lot. You can't expect people to respect your time if you don't respect theirs.

This...oh good grief this....how many times can I hit the +1 button. It drives me absolutely up the wall. This is pervasive in football down here. Practice runs until 8:30pm. But the coaches seem to think that it means they should start their final drill at 8:30pm then do a State of The Union address after each practice. I have more than once shouted from the sidelines "Let's go!!!!" I find it quite disrespectful that coaches do that. I can live with a few minutes late every now and then, no big deal. But they need to respect the fact that parents are giving up their own time to be there too...and they may have other things to do and/or other children at home that they want to see.

Hockey is different than football I think in that the hours on the ice are very regimented in that we only have the ice for 50 minutes. I can't hold the kids behind(on the ice at least) to make everyone late. After a game I get the kids in the room for about 5 minutes or so before I allow the parents in, and that is it. Also I ask the parents to get their kids skates tied, or have a coach do it as the kids can't do it themselves just yet, and then get out of the room. This is to allow for more space in the locker rooms which are always snug, and to allow the team to be together without a million different voices, just the teammates, and coaches.

Yeah, that really isn't an issue in hockey. Zamboni will kick you off of the rink. And the coach has the kids in the locker room as their getting undressed for the post-practice/game talk. Same for pre-game.

Update on the latest dealings with coaching youth hockey.

Last Friday I was cornered by the father of the kid that I've had issues with all season. This was just before getting on the ice for a team practice. One in which I ended up missing half of due to this idiot. He wanted a word with me that turned into a full out berating session. He said that I was misusing his kid the last three games on the 3rd line. I mentioned that I hadn't realized he was on the 3rd line the last three games, and that I will do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. Also I told him that there really isn't a 3rd line like you would think in the traditional sense like a professional team. The kids all get the same amount of ice time within reason, and that I don't play favorites. He said I do in fact play favorites, and that his kid has been struggling lately because I had him playing with the kids that suck. He says that the coaches kids get preferential treatment, and that most of them suck, but didn't name names. I knew he was talking about my kid, and another coaches kid. Absolutely unacceptable! He then told me the kid doesn't want to play on the team anymore because of his treatment on the 3rd line, and playing with the wrong kids.

Shortly before talking with the father a friend of mine who was on the ice before us had asked me about a rumor he had heard that the kid had quit the team, and joined a private hockey club. I said it was news to me, and that the kid was over in the locker room getting ready to practice with us. Come to find out through others the father did have the kid try out for another program, but I haven't heard if he was accepted.

I keep good records of each game, and the lines I set up. I looked back over the last three games, and he was on the 3rd group for the last two, not all three. It is something I like to avoid, but I missed it. During the conversation I had mentioned that the last few games were against the weakest teams in our division. So I had spoken with my assistants about changing things up a lot for those games to put kids in positions and lines that I normally wouldn't. The father mentioned later that I slipped up by admitting that to him. What? I don't think this guy gets it. By the way we won those games, and hadn't lost since September 24th(our 2nd game of the season). This past weekend was against the toughest two teams we have played all season, so I had mentioned that the line up would be more like it had been in the past.

We played a tough game on Saturday and won 4-1 with the kid getting two goals, and winning the player of the game award that we give out. All was well, or so I thought. I knew the game on Super Bowl Sunday would be the tougher of the two games on the weekend. I had one of my assistants make the line up for the Sunday game, and told the kids that if we didn't play our best game today we would lose as this team lost to us by only one goal the last time we played, and that we were luck to win.

The game on Sunday went the way I thought it would. Very close at first then opened up with us letting up a few really strange goals. The arena we were playing in is sort of unique in that the stands are higher than the players benches so the fans can look right in over us on the bench. Part way through the father of the kid yells over to get my attention to the score board. He says "hey the scoreboard is wrong, it's 3-2 not 4-2". He was wrong it was indeed 4-2. Around the 3rd period I'm standing on the bench as I usually do, and had my back against the glass when all of a sudden I feel a hand grab my shoulder. I turned around to see angry dad fuming in my face, and say "we need to talk, this is ridiculous!!" I turned around immediately, and asked my assistant coaches if they saw that? two of them had, and was wondering what the problem was. I had no idea, but clearly it had to be because we were losing, and that we were clearly using his kid the wrong way, or not enough.

We ended up losing the game 6-4, and to be honest I think it was a good thing for us. In the locker room I told the kids that we played poorly, but that I believe in them, and we would have another chance at them next Sunday. I also raised my voice to tell them all that I was disappointed in what I heard on the bench. The kid of angry dad was grumbling on the bench around the time his father had grabbed my shoulder. He said that he hated this team, and that we all sucked! Also mentioned that we lost because of one particular kid, and that he couldn't wait to quit this team to play for the other team he tried out for. I told them all without singling out the one kid that we win , and lose as a team, not because of one individual. Shortly after I let the parents in the locker room, and the father and son slithered out like the snakes they are.

My son said that during the hand shake line at centre ice that the kid was saying the other team players suck, and wouldn't shake hands. I didn't see it, but I trust my son, and believe it fully.

I've contacted the director of the squirt program, and other powers that be, and told them in no uncertain terms that the fathers behavior is wildly unacceptable, and that I feel he should be dealt with. Ultimately I would love to tell him to go berkeley himself, but that is probably not the right thing to do. It would feel great though. We had practice last night, but they weren't there. Surprise!

What is wrong with people? Should I do what I want to do, and tell the guy to berkeley off, or take the high road?

I think you should get the directors support and have them removed from your team. They don't want to be there, as evidenced by them trying out for another team. They are cancer, both the parent and the kid. That complaining and grumbling will only get worse, and spread. Take care of it now, before they ruin it for everyone else.

mazda, you sound like an excellent coach. I really hope this experience doesn't sour you from doing it again. The hockey world needs more like you.

So, uh, you gonna throw your name into the ring for that Bruins job that just opened up?

I'm not sure I want to work for an organization that is such a joke.

If the guy wants to quit, let him. Better for him to be chirping in some other coach's ear. I've seen several teams actually improve once a very good, but difficult player left. Based on what you've written - you're doing it right as a coach. Keep up the good work, and thank you for volunteering!

mtn wrote: mazda, you sound like an excellent coach. I really hope this experience doesn't sour you from doing it again. The hockey world needs more like you.

Unfortunately it has soured me to the whole coaching thing. I love doing it, and would love to do it again, but this experience gives me pause.

Chris

Hang in there Chris! If you are lucky, this guy has gone on to torture someone else. You have already reported the father's behavior to the director and on the off chance they try to come back, the league should be able to tell the father they are not welcome back. All in all it sounds like you have had a fairly good season with just a little drama once in a while. I would say you have been successful in teaching the kids about hockey and life. If the kids are showing up, learning and having fun that is on you. If you weren't doing a good job there would be twenty angry parents and three kids at practice. His opinions and actions are not normal. Other than the D- Nozzle, you've had fun, right? You're doin' fine.

I heard it through the grapevine that a few of the other parents in the stands on Sunday were worried for my safety when angry dad stormed the bench.

Tell azzhat dad that his kid will be riding the bench through the next game for failing to make the last practice. They won't be back, and you will likely win without them.

If they do show up, make sure your assistants have the authorities on speed dial. If he lays hands on you again, have him removed for assault.

Then focus on getting YOUR head back in the game. You've let him get under your skin, and that's not why you are doing this. The kids deserve better.

I have coached for over 20 years, 3-4 teams per year. There is ALWAYS at least 1 parent who doesn't like what I do, and makes it known. I've gotten good at ignoring that 1 azzhat.

I've also learned that for every 1 like that, 10 parents will later come forward and tell me how much they appreciate me. But more importantly, 5 years later I will run into one of the kids that tells me how much I influenced him (or her). THATS why I do it.

Hang in there!

So here's an update. On Friday before practice I met with the head of the youth hockey program and another member who is a friend of mine. It was brief and they basically said that they had spoken with other parents and a few of my assistant coaches about the complaints of the parents regarding ice time and "their kid being used as a decoy, and not on a solid line with good players". The board told me they were going to to ask the parents if they wanted their kid to continue with the program. They couldn't kick him out for the actions of his father. The parents were to meet with the same board members while we were on the ice for practice. They were reluctant and wanted to do it over the phone. While we were on the ice I could see the meeting taking place upstairs, and it looked very animated on the father's part. We met as a coaching staff after practice and were told that they couldn't throw the kid out as the parents (mostly dad) were threatening to sue the program (for what I have no idea). We were instructed as a staff that the board and parents agreed that we would just be aware of their complaints and to handle ice time better with regard to their kid. Also they asked that only 2 of the coaches be in charge of line changes as they feel certain coaches don't dole out ice time correctly. Truthfully I don't know how to fix the ice time issue that really doesn't exist.

The father was talking out of both sides of his mouth apparently with regard to him grabbing me on the bench on Sunday. First he said he didn't touch me, and then he said he reached over the glass to tap my shoulder to get my attention. I feel the guy is unstable and I'm quite pissed that they didn't at least ban him from the rink, but my guess is the board doesn't want to deal with legal battles. Regardless I don't like the result as I feel embarrassed by his actions and I don't know where it will go in the future. We're spending 4 days as a team in Maine for a tournament next month. Should be fun I suppose.

The parents want to get through the next 7 games of the regular season and playoffs, but plan to leave the program as they are pissed about the way it's run.

We had a game today and I made the line up with the kid on defense which would allow for plenty of ice time (half the game). I decided to not coach today, but rather stand in the bleachers as just dad. I feel like this may be better for me as I didn't feel like I was walking on egg shells. I missed the kids and spending time with my son, but I feel it was a good idea even if just for one game. I've also contemplated stepping down as this has ceased to be fun with regard to this situation. The rest of it is even better than I had anticipated, but man this part really sucks. I'm giving it the weekend to think about it and then make my decision.

Thankfully I have lots of support from the board, my assistant coaches, the other parents, and other parents that I know in the program. They are all asking me not to quit, but I'm not sure what is best for me and my son yet.

In reply to Mazdax605:

I'm sorry you are going through this.

If you quit, he wins.

That can't be a good outcome for the kids, the league, the community, or your son.

SVreX wrote: In reply to Mazdax605: I'm sorry you are going through this. If you quit, he wins. That can't be a good outcome for the kids, the league, the community, or your son.

Wins what?

Really. What does a parent "win" if he forces a coach out? What does a coach "win" if something that is supposed to be fun suddenly becomes work that is such a burden?

For that matter, what does the league "win" by letting the parent get away with this crappy behavior?

The kid is still going to be the kid. The parents are still going to be the parents- just with someone else.

IMHO, I'd have a cell phone ready for next time, and contact the rinks that you play at so that THEY ban this looser.

All of this for a game. A game. Something that people do for fun.

This kind of mentality is a small part of why I stopped autocrossing.

In reply to alfadriver:

Wins, as in conquers, dominates, and manipulates everyone around him in an inappropriate way to his narrow and assinine viewpont.

I wasn't suggesting him "winning" was a positive thing.

In reply to SVreX:

And my point is- what does that lead to?

If the organization does not want to stand up for the rest of the kids and their parents, let alone with a volunteer coaching staff- I don't see any point in going on.

But that's just me.

If it were me, I'd just ask the parents to move on. If they don't, well... either you learn to tolerate it, or move on. They clearly don't want to follow the given playing time policies that the coach laid out.

Reading the responses from the other parents- at least they appear to be in his court. Again, if THEY don't stand up for him, well, you are out on a branch by yourself. It's THEIR kids who will suffer if you move on, too. If they don't care, well...

Maybe it's my lack of patience of totally unreasonable people. It always sucked to hear people complain about the events you ran when they do not add a single thing to the event, nor were they going to try to run their own. Or when asked to run a different event and have nobody show up.

My son is sick today, and we didn't go to the game. 2 days of no coaching really stinks, but not dealing with the bull E36 M3 was pretty good.