Dealing with depression

As a bonus, the girl I was so hung up on is now in her mid 40's. I've seen a recent photo and, well, you get the idea...

listening to this as loud as possible helps me......................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLp63WBV-Ic

About 3 years ago, some complete idiot told me something. With his being a complete moron, i didnt think it was true, but time is proving him out-

(some) Women wander in the spring time.

Its happened to me, and look at the rash of threads on the board lately, and this is just an automotive board!

Threw the "some" in there cause im with a good girl for 3 years now, so there are exceptions.

I broke up with the first girl I was ever in love with in March. I moved to New York which made an already long-distance relationship even longer (and she wasn't really willing to make the commute out here which was about 3 hours). I wasn't ready to move in with her (or have her move in with me) so to avoid destroying the relationship by trying way too hard to make something work that wasn't going to, I broke it off with her (in hopes of a friendship later on).

She hates me now, or at least it feels like it, and that alone is excruciating. All of the fun times that I had with her at home and at her school (Penn State) are now mere memories and I have nobody to share them with. Arts Fest, football game tail gaiting, THON, Ocean City MD, fun parties, etc. are now all in the past and they are my memories that nobody can share with me anymore. I saw Wall-e 5 times with her--two times right in a row when it came out on DVD. Now I don't know if I can watch it anymore.

But I'll meet someone else. So will you. Heartbreak is part of life. Sorrow will follow you for a few weeks, but it will taper off and you will be happy again. Sign up for a track day and take out your anger or destructiveness on some tires and piston rings. Or go buy a hooker, some blow, and some knee pads and have yourself a motel party. Your choice.

Get help. Get help. Get help. If you are even mildly, but seriously, contemplating hurting yourself, get help immediately.

Beyond that, write down how and what you are feeling, how its affecting you, and start tracking your moods. Get with a counselor (psychologist) and bring that little book so you don't have to rely on memory. Then try any or all of the lifestyle changes everyone here has listed. Get a dog, get a motorcycle, start a new hobby, start exercising, DO something with yourself that will take your mind in a new, healthier direction. It won't necessarily take your mind off of the hurt, but it will allow it to heal. If you're lucky, like most people, it will pass or at least fade with time and work. Good luck man...

Don't get on Facebook anymore. We should mention that. Forget about it for a couple of months. Get back on it if you want to in a couple of months, but try to ignore it for now.

It sucks.

I think you should see if you company can provide you with a good counselor to get you through this. You really don't need medication, because you're not depressed for biological reasons. You're depressed because something crappy happened.

That said, sounds like she wasn't somebody worthy of you. Sounds like she got interested in another guy while you were away (happened to me several years back), but tried to let you down "easy" rather than having the guts to tell you what was really going on.

My cure for getting over a girl is to go out social dancing (Swing, Tango, Etc.). Lots of very flattering female attention, in a very low-pressure atmosphere.

BobOfTheFuture wrote: (some) Women wander in the spring time.

E36 M3, you might be on to something here...

Honestly, get back on your bike! My road bike has helped me keep my sanity the last year or so. Any troubles or crappy day i've had can be taken care of after 10 miles or so. Go see if you can find a local riding group or club. I've encountered nothing but good comroderie (sp)? in riding groups and it usually helps a ride when you ride with a few other people..

Andrave, get professional help, start with your family Dr as someone else mentioned, also if there is a good professional support organization as was mentioned by BillyEsq contact them too.

When I was in my early twenties I sank into a deep depression for a while due to circumstances similar to what you've described. Three bad relationships over a short time period, a floundering career (despite excelling in school), far from home in a job that wasn't even close to what I signed up for. I got to the point that all I wanted to do was go to work and sleep, and on weekends just sleep. I felt like my life was a pointless failure. I went to see my Dr, He wanted to do some blood tests to check for (I'm not sure what now, it was a long time ago) before referring me to a therapist. But before that came to completion I got a heaven sent break; a company that I had interviewed with a long time before hand contacted me with an offer at a plant close to home. I accepted the new job on a Thursday, moved back down to my old neighborhood on Saturday and started the new job on Monday. The job turned out to suck hard, but it was mentally challenging and paid fairly good too. Thanks to the change of scenery and return to a social network that didn't treat me as an outsider I totally forgot about the things that made me depressed. That two and a half year time period was miserable but I survived it and came away from the experience a much stronger and more composed man. I've experienced some truly hard times recently too, but have never felt powerless or hopeless like I did back then. I would like to add that I am a spiritual man and I belive that my relationship with God helped me through that time period, and that my faith today is stronger because of the trials that I have endured. If you like; read the 23rd psalm, James 1 vs 2,3&4 and 1st corinthians 10 vs12&13.

Best thing that works for me is to be pro-active. Being down can really build on itself if you let it. Do things that are self-affirming, read stuff that emphasizes that you can't get your self-worth through others. Be positive - if you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, try and nip it in the bud. I've been on anti-depressants, and they can be a godsend if used correctly. I agree with everyone else here... talk to a professional! They can determine if your depression is situational, or clinical. Above all, be around positive people, who genuinely like you for who you are.
If someone likes you one day, and then the next day thinks your relationship isn't working.... well, that's just not a solid relationship and it's better in the long run that it ended. My mantra when going through rough times is: "This too shall pass" and it's true, the E36 M3 that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Also a more interesting person.

RussellH wrote:

BobOfTheFuture wrote: (some) Women wander in the spring time.

E36 M3, you might be on to something here...

Sarcasim? Is it obvious to you guys?

Bicycles, music and cars (and not necessarily in that order)...are the best antidepressants available...

by that I mean a hobby.

I know this is the 83rd time someone has mentioned a hobby, but in all reality, this hard time will ultimately build you up stronger if you learn how to turn that emotion into productivity in some way shape or form. Learn duck calling, make stained glass coasters, buy a dulcimer...figure that there are people who love you for who you are and for the gifts you have or the ethic that got you where you are. That means theres greatness in you... a foundation there to build up to even better things.

Nothing will draw women in (or maybe back ) than a man who is activley trying to make himself better. You will make yourself feel better by accomplishing something - ANYTHING-and despite the cliche, the good feelings you will generate in yourself through accomplishment will generate the same good feelings in others when they think of you.

I do advise speaking to a professional...My bro was suicidal as a youngster as a result of some medical problems, but I saw how effective counseling was for him despite his opinion that it was a waste of time.

I think time heals all wounds. Find a way to pass some time constructivley, and you will be surprised at how positive everything will be as you move through this onto whatever is next in your life

I just keep thinking if I wait it out a little bit I can get through it without needing to talk to a professional. I've never done that before. I find it intimidating. I dont know how my insurance would cover it.

I think a lot of people here will be dissapointed and genuinely concerned if you don't go see a pro.

You don't have to talk to HR about the insurance thing. Call the insurance company, or read through your policy. If the insurance company won't kick in, LOTS of doctors are willing to reduce their rate significantly if you pay cash.

Don't be intimidated!!! If the doctor intimidates you, he/she is the wrong doctor. It should be a really relaxing experience. You'll be amazed how easy it is to open up to a stranger, and how much better you'll feel afterward. Plus, a doctor can give you the tools and excercises to get through this. "Go excercise and do something fun" is all well meaning and good, but that's a tall order when you're depressed.

Another thing about going to the professional.

You were worried that there would be stigma at your company- IMHO, if there is, then there are better places to work. Much like this board, they should be fully supportive of you, no matter if you have to have your arm re-attached, or your heart mended (in all sense of the meaning).

Second, intimidation- dude- you've poured your guts all over this board, to many people who are just virtual friends. I think you CAN do it. For that matter, just taking a step HERE says a lot about you (and quite frankly, based on the responses, a lot about this board ).

Please.

And while you are thinking about, please also don't go overboard in distractions- it appears that you may be a little obsessive/compulsive in how you deal with issues- not that I know for sure, but I'm more worried that you can hurt yourself which may bring you back to a "sedative" state to brew the isues. Run, bike, dance, walk- not too fast, not too long.

Just be careful. Lots of people really give a damn.

Eric

Please get some professional help. Your employer may have and EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that can start helping you right away. Understand that you my have to visit a few counselors before you fine one that works well with your style, personality, etc. Having the right professional help you really makes a difference

well, I called my insurance and I've met my deductible but the financial year for them ends july 1.

so any mental health stuff I do would be covered at 80/20 until july, and then I'll have to meet my $225 deductible. they said they cover a maximum of 20 visits.

So I called this big place around here, they have a lot of doctors and counselors, and they said it typically takes 4 weeks from the day I stop by to fill out the paperwork to actually see someone. Thats not going to work well for me. I called a couple other places and its all automated greetings and answering machines. I'd really just like to find someone who can talk to me.

I feel really sad having to do this... I feel like I should be able to control myself and my own life, and I can't.

I try to spend as little time alone as possible. Last night a friend invited me to his house then we went to the late movies. But always, no matter what I do, my mind settles back on her face, back on memories of us.

I haven't heard back from work on whether or not they will allow me to transfer. I've been thinking alot about what I want from my life. But everytime I try, I just keep thinking that I want my life back with her...

I feel disappointed in myself. I feel that my friends and family are disappointed in me for being so upset over what they see as a small issue.

This makes me even more sad... it makes me feel even more alone.

When I divorced I was upset, and my friends supported me, but when I was depressed for weeks on end, eventually they gave up. I lost a lot of friends that summer. No one wants to be around someone who is mopey all the time. There is a limit to most peoples ability to deal with that. When I am around friends that I know won't be sympathetic, I try to stuff it inside and act normal, and it makes me resent them because I know I can't be myself around them. Some people might say that might not be that great of friends if thats the case, but I really don't have that many friends. I used to have close females in my life, that I could cry to, etc, but being in a long term relationship, a lot of those relationships are gone.

Maybe one of the places I called will call me back... until then I guess I will keep trying. I appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions, but I feel like only a few of you really understand what I'm going through. The one who said when you are depressed, you don't feel like going out and exercising... hit the nail on the head.

I think of life in two terms.. the past, which I miss, and want back, and the future, which holds things that make me worry non stop. The present just is.

You have an email. I may be able to help with the provider situation.

I didn't have any luck with private practices either, but after looking I found that my college has on-campus counseling. So try a college counseling center or community center. Try a support group. Hell, use the forums. Just don't give up.

Also, check the Asylum forum on Off-Topic.net. Lots of good links, lots of helpful people who've been there. http://forums.offtopic.com/forumdisplay.php?f=91

I guess none of these places can see you without a 2 week lead time... kind of frustrating.

You are going to have to FORCE yourself to get up and out. No, it's not easy and you are the ONLY one who can do it. But, there is a way to make it more achieveable.

Isaac Asimov once wrote an essay about changing or dealing with big things in your life, it came down to this: if something big needs to change, do it one small step at a time. Just work with what needs to change for the next 20 minutes or so. Don't look at the whole situation because yes it can look overwhelming.

It's like quitting smoking (BTDT, I was a 3 pack a day smoker): don't look 10 years down the road, just make yourself not smoke the one cigarette you are craving right now. In your case, do something to take your mind off of this situation just for the immediate forseeable future. It doesn't have to be anything earth shattering: hell, wash the dishes, vacuum the house, alphabetize your CDs, download all the Windows updates that you have been putting off, organize your sock drawer, clean the catbox, you get the idea. These small steps add up to large strides and will eventually become habit. That's the beginning of the true healing process.

There's an old saying: 'how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time'.

Back many years ago when I was oversea in the military, my 1st wife didn't even bother sending a "Dear John" letter. I got a letter from a lawyer telling me I was being sued for divorce. I didn't even realize things where that bad between us. I did find out later that she found someone else then filed for divorce. It hit me pretty hard and being on another continent there wasn't much I could do about it. Mind you, this was before email and computers and phone call to the states was more than an E-4 could afford. It affected my work and I mopped around some. It did help me knowing that I didn't do anything wrong and others around me had went through similiar seperations. I just started acting like nothing was wrong and pretty soon I believed it and there wasn't anything wrong. Now it did make me hesitant to get serious with a girl for a while but even that went away after a couple years. Been with #2 for over 27 years now. When you act like nothing is wrong, don't hold it against your friends. after all, it's not their fault either.

Listen Man, don't feel bad about getting help. Your brain is just another part of your body, but is affected by external stimuli as well as internal stimuli. It is very sophisticated. Things happen to use that affect it. Some we can control and some we can't. Some we can pull out of, so we can't. If you can't pull out of it, cool, you just need so help doing so. Doesn't mean you are weak, crazy or silly. It just means you are smart enough to know when to get help. If my heart was acting up, I would not say "I will just wait this out". I would not do the same for my mind either. There is a reason that their are mental health pros. We need them. It is ok to get help.

Tell them it is an emergency. They may make space for you asap. Also call you doctor and let them know you state of depression and the need for immediate help. They will understand and will be able to help you find someone.

andrave wrote: So I called this big place around here, they have a lot of doctors and counselors, and they said it typically takes 4 weeks from the day I stop by to fill out the paperwork to actually see someone. Thats not going to work well for me. I called a couple other places and its all automated greetings and answering machines. I'd really just like to find someone who can talk to me.

andrave wrote: ..I feel really sad having to do this... I feel like I should be able to control myself and my own life, and I can't. ... I feel disappointed in myself. I feel that my friends and family are disappointed in me for being so upset over what they see as a small issue. This makes me even more sad... it makes me feel even more alone....

To get a little Zig Ziglar on ya, thats just "stinking thinking." Even a Honda has to go to have some maintence every once in a while.

This is a challenge, it is not failure and it it not a lack of ability or willpower on your part, its simply a question of not having the right tool for this particular job, so your headed down to a shop and getting the right tool.