What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ba-Na-Na-Na-Naaaaaaa!
It works better told in person, I'm sure.
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ba-Na-Na-Na-Naaaaaaa!
It works better told in person, I'm sure.
In reply to curtis73:
Heh, I used to use a derivitave of that joke. My wife literally tripped UP some stairs at her job and blew her wrist apart. Was in a cast for a while. Every time we were out together people would ask "OMG what did you do?"
I'd always reply "I had to tell her twice".
She always laughed at it, so I figured I was safe.
You May Be A Taliban If:
1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Boobs are like toy trains. They are meant for children but usually grown men end up playing with them.
My friend's wife returns home from shopping to find Ron all balled up sitting on a tiny plastic chair in front of a small table. He's sipping "tea" out of a tiny cup with his pinky extended. The bear next to him said nothing. Just then their 4 year old daughter Emily enters with a fresh pot of tea.
"What are you doing honey?"
Well, I'm having tea with Emily.
"Uh huh."
"Ron, honey, where's the only place in the house low enough for her to get water?"
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Minnesota .”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Minnesota?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”
AN IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
Two cats are standing at a raging river and they want to get across it. The first cat, who was named One-Two-Three, thought they should jump across a path of rocks sticking out of a shallow spot. The second cat, Une-Deux-Trois, wanted to build a raft out of some branches and float across at a deeper, calmer section of the river. The two cats argued voiciferously for a while and finally, unable to agree, decided to each try their own way. Sadly only one of the two made it across. Do you know which it was?
...
...
It was One-Two-Three, because Une-Deux-Trois cat sank.
...I'm sorry.
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went..
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story : When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
a Horse walks into a bar.. the Bartender looks at him and asks "why the long face?"
mad_machine wrote: a Horse walks into a bar.. the Bartender looks at him and asks "why the long face?"
A man walks into a bar... ouch.
Two men walk into a bar... the third guy ducked.
Four men walk into a bar... okay, this is just getting painful.
mad_machine wrote: a Horse walks into a bar.. the Bartender looks at him and asks "why the long face?"
Horse says "Because I have cancer".
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.
A plane was flying back to the US from Europe with delegates from France, England, Mexico and the US. Half way across the ocean the plane has engine trouble and is loosing altitude. The pilot says to throw everything they could out the door to lighten the plane. It didn't work and the plane was still going down so the delegate from France steps up to the door and yells "Viva La France" then jumps out. The plane is still going down so the Englishman steps to the door and yells "God Save the Queen" then jumps out. The pilot says he's almost got it and one more person out should be enough. The American stands up and yells "Remember the Alamo" and throws the Mexican out.
Subject: QB
The Afghan Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"
aussiemg, that was GREAT!!!
One dark night outside a Dublin, Ireland, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
“All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Mundare Rural Township Volunteer Fire Department, composed mainly of Irish laborers over the age of 65.
To everyone’s amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these brave souls, passed all the newer sleeker engines parked outside the plant…..and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed in the area.
Within a short time, the Mundare men had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
"Well now," replied Murphy the fire chief. 'The first ting we's going to do is fix dem f***ing brakes on that old fire truck!!!
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in: Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Texas
Our dipsticks are located in DC
How much cocaine has Charlie Sheen done?
Enough to kill Two and a half men!
Ba-dum-tish!
Two guys are driving down a road when they see a cop car jump out, turn on his lights and proceed to pull them over.
When the cop gets out of his car he strolls up to the driver, taps on the window. As soon as the window is down the cop punches the driver in the face.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks
"You should have had your license and registration ready for me. I'll be right back." the cop tells him
The cop walks back to his car, and about 20 minutes later comes back to the driver, punches him in the face again."You need to slow down, here's your ticket."
The cop hands the driver his documents and walks around the front of the car and taps on the passenger's window. The passenger rolls down his window, and gets punched in the face.
"What the hell was that for?" the passenger asked
"I answered your question." the cop tells him
"What question was that?"
"You two were going to drive about a mile down the road and you were going to tell your buddy 'I'd like see him try and pull that crap with me'."
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Lighter Than Air
A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor. "No," replies the blonde,
"from skipping."
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
Once upon a time in a farm there lived a whole bunch of animals, in one corner of the farm there was a deep pit with sheer walls.... one fine day one of the chickens fell into the pit and was calling desperately for help, so the animals went and fetched the farmer.
The farmer was highly ticked off about the stupid chic falling into the pit but he brings his shiny new BMW over to the pit, ties a rope to the back, tosses the rope into the pit and proceeds to pull the chic out. after warning all the animals to stay the hell away from the pit, the farmer goes away.
Sure enough a couple of days later, another stupid chic falls into the pit, this time the animals are afraid to tell the farmer.
The horse steps up and says, "Ill get her out", stands over the pit and extends his manhood, the chic grabs on to the horses d*** and the horse retracts it, safely pulling the chic out.
Moral of the story: You don't need a BMW to pull chics, all you need is a horse's d***...
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