Joke of the day

Toyman, it was explained to me that Army & Navy are military, Marines are a cult and the Air Force is a business.

914Driver said:

Toyman, it was explained to me that Army & Navy are military, Marines are a cult and the Air Force is a business.

Not quite a joke, for one job I was trained by Coast Guard and Navy, worked for the Army and I was in the Air Force, all without written orders. Everybody was involved but the Marines. I ran a fishing boat in Alaska for troops coming back for R&R in Seward. Oh and to qualify the Army threw me in a pool with full gear to tread water for way longer than I wanted to. The water the boat was on? 54 degrees, hypothermia was like 4 minutes or so.

One of the best jobs I ever had.

Dad joke for the day

Nothing rhymes with orange.

False

Nothing and orange do not rhyme.

One evening, after the honeymoon, Mark was cleaning his race car. His wife Missy was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit racing. Maybe you should sell your race car."
Mark gets this horrified look on his face.
Missy says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Hope this isn’t too dirty for this forum.

Redneck joke of the day:

brother comes home to find his sister pleasuring herself with a carrot. He says “Hey! I was gonna eat that.....

“Now it’s gonna taste like carrots”

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Inside of fire hydrants you can find H20.
What can you find on the outside?
K9P.

A young man heard from his older buddies that having a wank before having sex would make you last longer. He was intrigued, and decided he'd try it.

He spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how to fit it into his schedule, since he was going to see his girlfriend that night. He couldn't do it in his office. He considered the bathroom, but that was too risky. He briefly considered going home, but his schedule was just too tight.

Finally, he thought of a solution. On the way home, he pulled over on a deserted patch of road, and got his tool bag and slid under his truck to make it look like he was working on it. Satisfied with this solution, he got down to business, closing his eyes and thinking of his lover.

As he got closer to the big finish, he felt a tug on his pants legs. Not wanting to break the illusion or moment, he kept his eyes closed and said, "What?"

"This is the police," came the reply. "What are you doing there?"

"I'm checking out my rear axle," the man said. "It's making a noise, I think it may be busted."

The police officer said: "You may want to check your brakes, too, because your truck rolled down the hill 2 minutes ago."

An IQ below 70 qualifies as an intellectual disability. 

Now the only thing I need to figure out is if that’s Fahrenheit or Celsius. 

They say there’s a murderer in every group of friends. 

I was pretty sure it was Dave, so I killed him before he could hurt anybody. 

Did you know Apple invented the technology behind Yeti mugs?

Yeah... The board of directors forced them to sell the patent due to the inevitable jokes that would come if they produced it themselves. 

iCup

Three nuns were attending a Yankee baseball game. Behind them sat three men. Because the nuns’ habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to pester the nuns, hoping they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.”
Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, “I want to move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.”
The third guy yelled, “I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there.”

The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell. There aren’t any nuns there.”

I think my wife is dealing drugs.  When I was getting ready for work the phone rang and before I could say anything they asked if the dope was gone yet.

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...?

US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England,
and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were
built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's
the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of
the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the
wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have
been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the
matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived
from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And
bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that
way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right,
because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to
accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a space shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are
solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their
factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred
to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the
factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the
mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly
wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is
about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major space shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most
advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by
the width of a horse's ass!

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemical engineer?

You ask them to say "unionized."



This joke only works when read, unfortunately.

This one has probably been posted before. Still funny. 

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

That one is great!

I just can't wake up in the morning until I've had my first piping-hot pot of coffee. 

I've tried other enemas....

A pessimist, an optimist and an engineer walk into a bar.

They see a half full glass sitting on the bar.

The pessimist says "That glass is half empty"

The optimist says "That glass is half full"

The engineer says " That glass is twice as big as it needs to be"

There once was a happy troop of 50 elves. Then one by one they started to disappear. At last they were down to 8 and 7 of them began to suspect Hungry......