My princess is gone

I don't mean to bring anyone down, just sharing as several people have asked and I often don't get private messages through the board.  

I know technically we change all the time but for the first time I worry about how those changes are going but am not sure I can do anything to "fix" things. There's still a lot to work through as far as guilt, frustration, and the unexpected fun that goes along with this leg of the adventure. 

Right or wrong for the time being I'm starting to accept that I used up all my joy early and am just playing the string for now.  Maybe down the line something will change but if it doesn't I had a good run and  I will continue to plod along. I will say the darkest of days are hopefully behind me and if they aren't I've got some things in place to keep them from going to far. 

I will keep getting up every day and doing what I can to be an ok person but I can't promise it will go well all the time. That kind of scares me a bit but my doc says it's normal and I'm paying them good money to know these things.

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

I suck at these kind of things but try to take all the joy Jodi gave you and remember that everyday.

Wally (Forum Supporter) said:

I don't mean to bring anyone down,

Dude, that is the least of anyone's concerns here. Honestly.

In my experience, it does slowly get better.

I'm about a year further along than you in dealing with the loss of a spouse.  Last year as it approached the 1 year mark I was pretty down.  Some of it has to do with the fact that we had a lot of significant events in a 2 month period. My bday, her bday, our wedding anniversary and the date she passed away were all within about 7 weeks. It was horrible approaching 1 year from her passing.  Every day I had to screw on my game face just to get out the door for work.  The reality of my "new" reality was overwhelming and the sole focus of my mind most of the time.  This year was much better in the sense that it wasn't always on my mind and I could do normal stuff and be sorta normal without always having to fake it.  I think our minds intentionally blur things and shift our focus as time goes by so that we can get over the pain.  I've found that the old adage "time heals all wounds" seems to have some truth to it if you don't hold on too tight and choose to let yourself become distracted by living.  I can't identify any great shift or experience that caused any sudden changes, it is so slow as to seem imperceptible until something or somebody causes me to face a question or situation I hadn't thought about in a while.  Then I realize my reaction or response is not what it was the last time I faced a similar situation.  I think getting through the 1 year mark somehow had something to do with it.  I still have bad days, but they are less frequent and the worst of it is shorter in duration and/or it's easier to get my mind to "move along".  I hope you experience the same and things get better for you.  I'm pulling for you Wally!

Steve

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

Wally, you’re on a journey you didn’t ask for and one that none of us want to take.  For what it’s worth your sharing of your feelings as you work through things will help all of us when we need to deal with grief ourselves.   Thanks for sharing and my sincere hopes for better days ahead for you.   

Wally, one of my friends up here went through this recently, and so many of your words echoed his and vice versa, so I mentioned your story to him. He asked if you read.    Then suggested a book titled "Permission to Mourn" by Tom Zuba.  Think I spelled that right.

I'm still at a loss for words, I'm not good at this sort of thing, but very few people are, I suppose.

Wally (Forum Supporter) said:

Right or wrong for the time being I'm starting to accept that I used up all my joy early and am just playing the string for now.  Maybe down the line something will change but if it doesn't I had a good run and  I will continue to plod along. I will say the darkest of days are hopefully behind me and if they aren't I've got some things in place to keep them from going to far. 

I will keep getting up every day and doing what I can to be an ok person but I can't promise it will go well all the time. That kind of scares me a bit but my doc says it's normal and I'm paying them good money to know these things.

If happiness is a bucket, yours is empty. I don't have your bucket, but I do have my own, and it's been empty too. It took a really, really, really long time for me to look in the bucket and see that something was there again, and I'm still not sure where it came from. Live life. Check the bucket every now and again. 

Everything I start to write I end up deleting because it feels too small and trite. 

I hope you can live the life she would have wished for you. Might take time to get there, but it's what I hope for you. 

Wally (Forum Supporter) said:

I don't mean to bring anyone down, just sharing as several people have asked and I often don't get private messages through the board.  

I know technically we change all the time but for the first time I worry about how those changes are going but am not sure I can do anything to "fix" things. There's still a lot to work through as far as guilt, frustration, and the unexpected fun that goes along with this leg of the adventure. 

Right or wrong for the time being I'm starting to accept that I used up all my joy early and am just playing the string for now.  Maybe down the line something will change but if it doesn't I had a good run and  I will continue to plod along. I will say the darkest of days are hopefully behind me and if they aren't I've got some things in place to keep them from going to far. 

I will keep getting up every day and doing what I can to be an ok person but I can't promise it will go well all the time. That kind of scares me a bit but my doc says it's normal and I'm paying them good money to know these things.

Oh, Wally... 

We love you so much, man. 
 

I'm gonna share a story, and perhaps it will help you a bit. 
 

In 2004, one of our company commanders was killed in action near Fallujah, Iraq. The same ambush that took his life also claimed the arms of a friend of mine. In 2006, another buddy volunteered for a fourth tour to Iraq. He was killed one month before he was to come home. In April 2007, my Lieutenant was killed by a sniper. In May, less than a month later, one of my best friends was killed in action as well. 
 

Ever since then, I've been a grumpy shiny happy person every Memorial Day. Here I am, still alive, remembering their sacrifice, and everybody else thinks it's National BBQ day. 
 

I was not in a healthy place. Two years ago, a friend who served in Iraq and I were sitting around and talking about lost friends. Somehow the conversation turned to Memorial Day, and I'll never forget what Jeff told me. He said,"John, you can be pissed at everything and everyone for ruining Memorial Day, and that's your right.". He then continued- "But I'd be willing to bet your buddies would rather you were happy."

He went on to explain that the way he saw it, we both had a responsibility to live our best lives in their honor. Ever since then, Memorial Day has been less of a burden, and more of a chance to share their stories. It's made a difference. 
 

The point, although I've probably butchered it by now, is that sometimes you have to allow yourself to be happy; and that can really be hard to do. It took me an entire decade to get out of the funk that resulted from losing friends in war. You'll not be better overnight, but if you allow yourself to be happy, you'll heal a little bit faster. 
 

Don't make my mistake and get angry about it. It won't help...

Love you, man; I really do. 
 

-John

In reply to secretariata (Forum Supporter) :

Thank you, I hope I do as well as you are.  I can't imagine how much worse it must be with all those dates stacked together like that. 

In reply to mazdeuce - Seth :

That's a great way to explain this.  I probably need to stop checking it every day 

In reply to Recon1342 :

Thank you, I can't imagine all that loss going on. I completely understand the anger. I've mostly been mad/disappointed with myself. I know I couldn't do much different but it's still hard to shake 

Wally. You are human not Superman. We are here for you. 

Hang in there Wally. As others have said, cut yourself some slack you have been through an ordeal that has no"rules". Someday's will absolutely suck but as time goes on, hopefully the good days will outnumber the bad. When I feel like the world is crashing around me I try to remember that only I can control my attitude about it. There are days when I do a good job reminding myself that I am pretty lucky and whatever the trouble is will be temporary. Keep on venting here and know that we love you and keep letting us know how we can help.

Give yourself grace.  Your heart is in a blender.  Allow yourself joy and if it creates a little guilt, just be gracious to yourself.  In most of my grieving periods, I played it too careful.  I picked up every shattered piece and methodically sorted and categorized it.  I chastised myself when I made mistakes or dropped one of the pieces.  In hindsight I probably should have just lived in my life.  I should have had that milkshake.  I should have taken that trip.  I should have eaten that bacon.  I should have had that drink with a friend.  I should have ridden the motorcycle more.

One of my most firmly-held beliefs is that emotions are never wrong.  You can't help what you feel.  You can't control your brain's initial reaction to something.  It's going to feel what it feels.  I try not to change it, judge it, or stop it, I just let it speak to me and move on in its own time.

Lean on us.  We can't fix it for you, but we can offer support.

Broken hearts take longer to heal than bones.  Hang in there, and let us know if there is anything we can do.

In reply to Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) :

That is one of the best things I have read in a very long time.   Thank you for that post. 

Just wanted you to know we are thinking of you Today. 

I've been thinking about Wally recently.  One of his last posts in February had him taking lunch to his girlfriend in his new Corvette.  I sure hope he is having so much fun he just doesn't need us anymore,  but I do miss his contributions here.

I see him on facebook posting memes.

He's still having fun with the Corvette.

We  Wally.  Hope you're well, in spite of GM readiness monitors.  

Don't know if the girlfriend is still a thing, but he's on the road having fun this weekend.

Wally is the backbone of this forum. Sending positive thoughts your way today buddy. 

I was just thinking of creating a Where's Wally thread to check up on him. Glad to see he's doing good.

Thinking about you Wally!!