Remembering 9/11

As I posted shortly after, how many people do we have a chat with or just a passing wave once in a while and then they disappear.   Hmmm, wonder what happened to the blue 2002 guy?

My brother tried to enlist right after 911 and learned the cut oof age is 32.  "I can do more pushups and run farther than that high school kid". 

Sorry Mister ....

It's weird to think how much of my life has likely been shaped by 9/11. 

I was a Sophmore in highschool. Sitting in Geometry class. Somehow, the news was on. We watched all of it. 

In the years after, I got really involved in anti-war protesting and foreign policy. I was fully unboard the war on terror, "lets get them" I thought, but the 2nd Iraq War seemed like a sham, even to the teenager I was. Even if I had considered joining the military (I hadnt), I wouldn't want to attack a country that didn't have anything to do with 9/11. I had a lot of friends who joined the military. One of my buddies, Mike, had lost his mother to cancer during highschool, and his father died while his was in Iraq. He committed suicide at 21. 

I read a lot of books about the viewpoints of Arabs. What kid reads Leon Uris's "The Haj" at 19? I read "Blackwater" when it was just released at 22. 

A lot of my feelings on 9/11 were not just "why did they do this?" but I wanted to know "what did we do to them?" 

Here I am 22 years later and I still think America's relationship with the rest of the world, and a lot of "what ifs" everytime I get on a plane. 

I was in bootcamp.

I went a bit wild when I moved out of my parents place and got my own apartment.  I quit my job at a Nissan dealership as a lot attendant and took one washing cars where I made tips.  An abundance of cash meant I could afford beer and weed.  An apartment maintenance man that quite literally had an obsession over my place meant anything I did (eg:  leave a mess in the kitchen) got reported to the office and I got a phone call.

In retaliation, partied my way to an eviction notice.

Homeless, and being the only loser among my friends to actually have it together enough to pay things like "rent", I lied to my grandmother to have a place to stay.  I told her I was joining the Navy, and realizing she was going to figure out that I wasn't leaving eventually, I went to the office and signed up.

I'd be an Avionics Technician and have a bunch of money for school.

Bootcamp came and I graduated.  My family just left with my absolutely beautiful girlfriend and we were sitting in a room to get our tickets to our schools.  Mine would be in Pensacola.  Tickets in hand, we formed up outside to march.  The biggest shiny happy person RDC came out and in a weak voice told us that we wouldn't be flying that day.  Terrorists were using aircraft like cruise missiles and NYC was under attack.

Right, buddy.  And I'm the queen of England.

When we got back to the barracks, there was a television.  Something must absolutely be berked if this was happening (and berked it was).  Obviously, we didn't fly.

We kicked around boot camp for a week.  No one knew what to do with us, so we just did whatever.  Watched movies, ate whenever...  Eventually we were bussed down to our duty station.  A convoy of 5 busses took us to Pensacola.  We were dressed in our Summer Dress Whites and the crowds went wild.  I think we might hold the record for the longest parade the US has ever held.  It just never stopped!

We were at war, and we would be the warriors.

Just like that I was going to join the ranks of the many veterans in my family.  My aunt was in Iraq during the invasion of Kuwait.  My grandfather served in WW2, Korea, AND Vietnam (US Navy, Chief).  Now I would fight the war on terror.

Then I was sent to Iraq.  "Fight them there, so we don't fight them here" they told us.  And fight we did.  12-hours on, 12-hours off.  We swapped flying schedules with the USS Abraham Lincoln to have 24-hour combat support in the area.

We berkin leveled the place, and I was damn good at what I was told to do.  I've got a pretty good set of ribbons and medals to prove it.  My grandmother said the writeup that came with my "Navy Achievement Medal" sounds like I carried the entire Navy myself.  My squadron won "Battle-E" in that deployment.  The list goes on.

I'd get out and see things from a different perspective when I went to do my University studies.  Out of the bubble I had been in for the last 4 years I had time to reflect.  I decided I didn't like how I was used, and why I felt I was used that way.  

I'd give just about anything to go back and not sign over control of my life.   And in true survivors guilt (not sure if that's the right term) I am very much aware that the amazing career I have now and all the benefits it's afforded me are all rooted in that part of my life that I wish had never happened.

I have shared my experiences during that time here somewhere but couldn't find them.  It may have been on the old site.  I don't have the capacity to type it ot again, but it should have been the most horrific thing we'd been through.  I don't know how anyone else feels but I would put the first 6-7 months of 2020 ahead of it in terms of terror.  As horrific as 9/11 was, It was mostly localized and over fairly quickly except for those of us who got a gift of some sort that we got to keep.

Like everyone I'm not the same person I was then, and through time, and hindsight have a lot of different opinions than I did then.  I think a lot of people took away the wrong lessons, and I think it shaped the country into the nation we are now in a lot of wrong ways that right.  That's a debate for another venue though.  It's kind of odd now, at the time I was still fairly new, having just finished my first year as a bus driver, and not really sure what I was doing a lot of that time beyond going where I was told and learning how to make things up as I went along.  It was good training though, as I'm deeper into a career now and seeing that no one really had a plan besides be as useful as possible and do what you can to make sure everyone makes it through the day safely.  I had a meeting today with people in other agencies and it's surreal being at the end of the with stories and answers, and chatting about who's retired or passed recently.  I still think there should be a adultier adult to make decisions sometimes.       

In reply to AClockworkGarage :

Writing about it is a good start.  I tried therapy about a year after 9/11.  Things started to settle into a routine, I was newly married and Jodi noticed I was never really sleeping.  the first therapist was useless.  Mostly a ghoul that wanted to hear about anything gory i may have seen, and sounded almost disappointed that I had limited my exposure to the pile and had little to share on that front.  a while later a friend got me into journaling.  It helped a lot, but much of it was extremely dark, and some horrific humor, not just about 9/11 but much of the other things that were going sideways in my life.  I didn't want anyone to find it should something happen to me, there would have been some confusions and hurt feelings that people I love didn't deserve so used small notebooks and I burned them when they were filled.  It was the right choice at the time but i somewhat regret that now.  I finally tried therapy again a few years ago at 43 years old  I shopped around a bit to find someone that was a good fit for my clusterberkeley of a personality and It has gone much better.  

Possibly more helpful than the Dr though were my friends and internet people.  I've always been very introverted.  I'm generally fine on my own up until I'm not but never really realize when that is.  The handful of people I see in real life, some great people on here, and some others in a facebook group I'm in do a very good job of checking on my and pulling me through the darker days.  Learning when and how to ask was extremely difficult but literally saved my life.  

I was in the Navy on active duty but on the West Coast.  By the time we all got to work things had gone bonkers.  No one knew anything and no one had any answers.  The only real decision made after was the Navy needed 10,000 more masters at arms (MP in other services).  I got to spend half of my last 3 years in as an MAA and the other half teaching (my original shore duty assignment).  The governments response to that fiasco and other things I saw in the service very much explain my skepticism today.  Too many people are too trusting of authorities.  They are normal people and just as fallable.  You'll notice one theme the real heroes are the responders, soldiers and people in the disaster. The people taking credit for it all are typically not the great people seem to think they are.

The governments legislative response in the form of The Patriot Act is the icing on the crap cake that is 9/11.  If laws were named correctly it would be the domestic spying and espionage act.  
 

I can state clearly and confidently the people who's hunch the US isn't a blessing on the rest of the world is far often too true.  
 

AC I agree older generations set the stage for society is now.  Your generation and younger ones need to get involved and take charge!  You cannot do worse.  Now is your time!  I will help anyway that I can.  
 

I read far too many posts about depression on this site.  The best thing to do is find and become involved in something more important than yourself.  Nature and exercise are also helpful.  The reality is there is no easy cure for this condition.  It is all part of being human.  The key is figuring out how to have more good days than bad ones.  
 

I still find it interesting people can be critical of the Iraq and Afghanistan war on terror but refuse to be critical of US foreign affairs now.  I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

I also spent about 3 out of 10 years in the Middle East at my last job in Algeria, Kuwait and Saudi Arabia with a lot of flights through Qatar and the UAE.  Their culture is very different from ours but their devotion to family is way better IMO.  

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

Friends are so important.  I think prior to the internet people had more close friends.  I'm the really old days you had your friends, religious leaders, bartenders and a barber.  You talked out all of life's issues that way.  Life and humanity have always had a dark side.  I think psychologists can help, some more than others, and medication is all too often abused but can also be helpful,  Friends, family and close relationships are going to be there when things matter most.  
 

And Wally, you are the adultier adult you are looking for.  Seriously, you will be the change you want to see or it won't happen.  I understand how you and AC feel you inherited a mess.  You're right.  I'm sorry for my part in that.  I was too nice for too long and just let things go.  Things got worse as a result.  You jump in and I will back the younger generations 100%.  It's time for a certain generation to retire 100% and time for line to embrace and support the future.  

I posted this a couple years ago. It's a personal story by our former brother-in-law. It gives me chills every time I read it.

Our former BIL, who was married to Annie's sister, wrote this account of his experience on that day. He worked in WTC Building #7. It's a long account of his experience, but very moving. He wrote this on the eleventh anniversary, and our niece has posted it on FB every year since:

"Reflecting on 11 years ago…
I had driven into the city as I needed to be in very early to prepare for a seminar about securities processing in India and parked in an outside lot a half block West of the North tower. I remember thinking what a beautiful Fall like day it was.
I was sitting at my desk on the 27th floor of WTC #7. My back faced a window that viewed the North face of the North tower…no more than 20 yards away across Vesey Street. Other colleagues had started to arrive and get settled. My assistant had just arrived with a big suitcase containing everything she owned as she was headed off to Ireland later in the day to attend a wedding. After dropping off her suitcase, she and a few co workers headed over to a café located between the two towers. About ten minutes had passed when I heard the roar of a jet engine followed by a horrific crash. It sounded like a military jet had dropped a bomb.
Several of us sat dumbfounded wondering what had just happened. About 30 seconds had passed before we saw debris falling outside our windows on the 27th floor and upon looking up, we saw the crash site burning away. I called home to inform my wife to turn on the tube to see what had happened. I was certain that some hot shot military pilot had tried to buzz the tower and screwed up. I returned to the window along with my colleagues and began to witness what will always be the most horrific sights I’ve ever seen. People were standing on the edge of the crash site trying escape the smoke and fire. Burning debris was falling to the street below. A colleague and I were standing side by side and we both followed a large piece of burning debris to the ground. We both turned to each other with blank expressions as we realized what we just witnessed was a burning body hitting the pavement below. I don’t think either of us ever looked down again. To this day, we call each other every anniversary in remembrance of that moment.
I returned to my desk not really knowing what had happened and began to think this may be significant enough to disrupt the day’s plans. A client in Boston called me to see if we were ok. What I didn’t know was that most people in the building had experienced the bombing in 1993 and wasted no time evacuating the building immediately after hearing the crash. Those of us with a view of the site stayed and watched.
Again I heard the roar of a jet engine, not as loud but we could hear it getting closer. Then the second crash…I could feel the heat from the explosion..someone said she saw a jet engine fly out of the South Tower…windows down the hall had shattered and I realized we had to get out of the building. I packed up my laptop and grabbed a few things. I made a quick sweep of the floor to tell people to leave…most had left a long time ago. One colleague reminds me of my response when he told me he was just finishing up an email…I said “@#$! the damn email…we need to get the #@$! out of here NOW!” Before entering the stair case, I grabbed my assistant’s suitcase forever endearing her to me.
Inside the stairwell were masses of people still evacuating the building. I heard people saying it was a United Airlines flight…others were saying it was an American Airlines flight. I was thinking what could have possibly gone wrong to cause the crashes. I remember going down 27 flights of stairs took longer than I ever imagined. When we got to the bottom there was confusion which doors to exit through…we were routed right onto Vesey Street where we were quickly directed around to the rear of the building. The street was strewn with debris and sheet covered bodies. Why we were using that exit still bothers me to this day.
We congregated behind the building and like the rest of the world, watched the two crash sites burn. I wondered how the hell fire fighters were going to fight those flames. I turned to a co-worker and said, “You know, I don’t think we’re going back in the building today, I’m going to grab my car and head home”. I turned over my assistant’s suitcase and headed to the lot where I had parked.
The lot was secured by attendants who left keys on the front tires so they could move cars to get to other cars. The lot was in the debris field, however I did not see any bodies. The attendants however were not entering the lot and said that upon paying we could assume the risk of getting our own cars out. There was a line of three or four of us looking to get our cars. Credit cards were not working as the phone lines were incapacitated…a man behind me threw the attendant a $100 bill and said he’d pay for us. The attendant printed receipts and let us in. To free my relatively new Subaru, I had to move a beautiful new Porsche (blue with tan interior….I remember how nice it smelled). I got into my car and exited the lot. I was stopped by a Fireman who said I could not go South..only North..which worked for me. I got onto the Hudson River Parkway and headed North.
I turned on the radio and was quickly made aware we were under attack by terrorists and that there were more planes in the air! There were phone interviews with people trapped in the towers above the crash sites. I could hear the fear in their voices. I recall one man saying how much he loved his family and said good bye to them. I learned that Manhattan was closed…no trains were running and bridges were closed.. I was moving along pretty well until I got to the Lincoln Tunnel…I turned into the city for a block or two then headed North around the Empire State building…my head crushed below my shoulders as I was thinking maybe one of the planes may be targeting the ESB. I was thinking I’ll go as far North as possible…maybe ditching the car in Harlem and walking over the Westchester bridge. I had gotten back on the Hudson Parkway North of the congestion and could see the towers burning in my rear view mirror….then I saw the first one collapse and listened to the reporters announce the event. I was thinking I’d be stopped pretty soon and pressed North as far as I could. The next thing I know I’m paying the toll on the Westchester Bridge just as the second tower went down.
It was about 10:00 am. I crossed over into Westchester County and realized I was home free. I pulled into the driveway around 10:30 where my wife greeted me in disbelief. I was the first employee accounted for and until we could confirm the disaster recovery site was up and running, my phone was ringing off the hook from London, Hong Kong and Singapore looking for information about the day’s events and status of the office etc..
I watched the news all day wondering how I was going to get to work the next day. At 6:00 in the evening, I watched our building collapse on TV and knew that getting to work the next day wasn’t going to happen.
Over the course of the next 24 hours, a contingency plan began to develop. We learned that all staff were alive and well. My assistant, who never got to Ireland, had her own amazing story of survival witnessing the events from directly below the impact sites.
The front office staff were told to create home offices if possible and given a $5,000 electronic allowance to buy PCs, printers, faxes, phones etc…
Oh..and the parking lot? Completely demolished when the North Tower fell. Every car melted beyond identification. Sometimes I think I should have stayed in the Porsche.
To this day I look for things that were in my office never to be seen again. Luckily for me, they are only things…so many others will never see loved ones again."

I just want to say to everyone thanks for sharing. 

It makes me at feel better knowing I am not alone on an island when it comes to what happened 22 years ago.  I don't know how to exactly say this but I have got the feeling that many don't want to remember.  Many want to sweep this away but when something still hurts it is really hard.  You put on a happy face and keep trucking.

This does not mean I think about this every day.  Far from it.  But it is still an emotional thing for me and it makes me feel better to know that it is for others as well.

Thanks!! 

Now for something I have never shared with anyone.  I watched the people jumping that day.  I got to see the photos of the mess on the street where they landed.  You can find them on the web if you are curious but I don't want to see them ever again. It brough back memories of stuff I had to deal with in my past. 

You can hear the sounds of the people hitting the ground in some of the live broadcasts.  It is a loud reverberating bang that was called out in one of the live broadcasts.  That is a sound that I can not stand to hear again.  I can't watch the rebroadcasts and hear that again.

And now for a bit of self-justification as I have no clue what those that jumped were actually thinking.  I would like to think that those who jumped represent the ultimate FU to those who did this.  They went out on their terms, not on the terms of the terrorists.  A lot like those that were on flight 93.

Lastly, for years I had visions of angles trying to save those who were jumping.  I can see them chasing them down to the ground but just not getting there in time.  That day there were just not enough angles to go around.  This Photoshop to me is as much about the firefighters being saints comforted by angels as it is the angel's morning with the saints for those they could not save.

I got to go it is getting dusty in there. . . ..