My wife and I are separating. Divorce is imminent at this point. I've fought all summer to try and save it to no avail. We're being civil and sharing custody of the kids, but I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet and put those things into motion yet. She moved out last weekend and this is my first week without the kids, in my empty house and its been quite lonely.
So I'm anticipating entertainment from you guys. Wally, GPS, poopshovel, I need you on your A game.
At least now I can buy car parts and have no one bitch at me for it.
Duke
MegaDork
10/20/15 8:32 a.m.
I guess that makes her SWNLMBO? Sorry to hear about it, man. Sounds like you tried, but it takes two trying, unfortunately.
Good luck man, a lot of us have been through it.
pro tip: hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Share nothing that can be used against you. Consult a lawyer. Protect your finances. Divorce has a way of making that person you loved and swore to spend your life with into someone unrecognizable. Be civil.
tuna55
MegaDork
10/20/15 8:39 a.m.
E36 M3 dude, so sorry. Nothing to offer for advice. Just sympathy.
Speak softly, and and have a good lawyer.
Don49
HalfDork
10/20/15 8:44 a.m.
Definitely speak to a lawyer right away. Make sure to remove her/you from any shared finances (credit cards, bank accounts etc.). I had an ex run up a lot of debt that I had to pay for because I didn't do this. Good luck and remember things will get better eventually.
Make a point of talking to the kids as much as possible. Let them know you still love them and that it is not their fault.
I miss my daughter all the time. It has been 10 years.
Serious question: Does this mean you could get back into driving monster trucks professionally? 'Cuz that would be a nice positive.
Sorry to hear, mine asked for one in March (I moved out then) and it was finalized in June.
It sucks, it hurts, just have to do your best to keep moving forward.
Woody
MegaDork
10/20/15 9:01 a.m.
Would it make you feel more comfortable if we bitch at you for buying car parts?
Seriously, I hope this turns out as well as something like this possibly can.
Well Brian, you should have some free time on your hands. Brian, you should re join us in our GT races. I often see you get online and wonder if Brian will be joining us. But you never do. We miss you Brian.
slefain
UberDork
10/20/15 9:19 a.m.
Get a lawyer now. Ideally one that advertises on the sports talk radio stations that says they fight for a father's rights. I'm watching two of my friends get raked over the coals mercilessly by their exes because they didn't fight for themselves at first.
I am assuming that you want to see your kids and that mom isn't a crack whore. If not, ignore this post. If so, read on.
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Document everything. Write it all down, every second you spend with the kids, every dollar spent. Keep all texts and e-mails and try to communicate electronically and keep the trail. It seems petty now, but things can change quickly and you will want it later. Once your spouse gets a lawyer, they will convince them of to do and say and claim all kinds of stuff you never thought possible.
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BEGIN AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON! I cannot stress this loud enough. When you go in for a custody hearing, the judge will want to maintain the status quo as to not upset the kids. If they have been living with Mom and only seeing Dad on the weekends during the transition for whatever reason, it will get locked in that way and you will be stuck with it forever. DEMAND a 50/50 time share today, and do whatever is necessary to achieve that. And see #1. You will be asked to prove the how much time the kids have been with you and you will need documentation. A handwritten calendar is fine, just have SOMETHING on paper!
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If you are in the home they have known for quite some time, you should ask for primary custody with visitation for her. Get this on paper even if you know that they will see mom half the time. The deck is stacked heavily in mom's favor, so you have to do what you can to level it out. The judge will always seek a compromise. If you seek half and she seeks full, you get 25%. If you each seek full, you each get 50%. Sucks, but that's the game and you have to play it if you want to see your kids. Always shoot high so you have room to negotiate. BUT stay within reason and have a reasonable explanation for your requests. If you ask for full custody just to stick it to mom, you will lose. But if you ask because the kids know the home, know the neighbors, are comfortable in the school, have ties to the community and the church...now you have a case. If I was you and still in the family home, I would ask for full custody and full support, and negotiate down from there.
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Be honest, don't try to hide stuff, don't try to paint an unflattering picture of your ex, just present the facts. There isn't much a parent can do in the eyes of the judge to take away custody time. They have seen cases A LOT worse than yours, and a nasty e-mail exchange or two is nothing to them. Short of abuse or drugs, she has a right to the kids and you have to support that.
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The courts are not fair to dads in terms of custody or support payments, so fight for everything you can get now. You will end up paying a lot more than the court demands if you are a decent person and you love your kids anyway, so try to get that fixed payment as low as possible. I pay a fixed amount by law, but I also pay for a portion of classes, costumes, insurance, school trips, clothes, etc etc etc. The custody payment you make or receive is only one fraction of what a kid costs. If you are paying, then keep it low because you need money for all this other stuff. And don't try to get out of paying if you have to. Fight for a FAIR share, but accept that you may have to pay something if you are the primary salary in the household. And if you DO pay, do it through the court so that there is never any accusations or issues with missed or late payments.
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NEVER, EVER talk ill of mom in front of or to the kids. They need to know that both parents love them and together or apart, you are both committed to their well being. Even if she bad mouths you, don't reciprocate. It will hurt you in court but more importantly, it will hurt the kids and your relationship with them.
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If someone give you a line about "kids should be with their mom" promptly punch them in the face. Kids need BOTH parents equally. NEVER FORGET THAT and never accept anything less than spending as much time with your kids as possible.
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Get a lawyer involved. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP.
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Love your kids more than you ever have before, and do this for another 50 years or so.
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Keep your chin up. The next few months will suck, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have the best wife in the world (seriously, you can Google that) and a good relationship with my ex and a great relationship with our shared-custody daughter. My wife and my ex have a good relationship, I like my daughter's stepfather, her life has been enriched by being a stepdaughter...life will be good again for everyone of you make that a goal and work towards it.
Feed the right wolf.
mtn
MegaDork
10/20/15 9:40 a.m.
Since I used to work in credit card collections: Cancel any and all credit cards you have together with her, pay them off completely (just bite the bullet and do it even if it is all her debt) and then freeze your credit.
Pinchvalve speaks truth.
Also- People you love can hurt you in ways no stranger can. Its gonna suck during the divorce. There's almost no way around it. Keep your chin up-your kids need you.
In reply to pinchvalve:
As a fellow Kentuckian I will ad that even if mom is a crack whore, she'll get the kids and a large support check 99.99% of the time. Mine was not a great person and at the time of the divorce earned 50+% more than I did, kicked me out of my own house, and for all that I get the privilege of paying her a mortgage payment each month. For this I get to see my kids every other weekend and have exactly zero say in where they go to school or what they do.
Family court is great!!
Sorry to hear it. I hope it doesn't get ugly. I went through one years ago, but there were no kids, which means it was really only Divorce Lite.
It does suck to have to do, or even think about, all the things Pinchvalve mentions, but it sounds like good advice. Getting the lawyer should be #1, though.
Emotionally, don't hesitate to lean on your friends. Having been through it and having fought the loneliness, I can say your male friends will be sympathetic and some will step up and be there for you as much as you need them. I've got a buddy that recently started down the D path. Before that, he was more of acquaintance, but I've tried to step up and stay in contact more because I know what he is going through.
Bummer man. I get lonely when the wife and kids are away for the weekend. Wouldn't manage well long term.
Hopefully you get used to it and start to enjoy the freedom of personal decision making.
Bummer deal. Pinchvalve gave some really good advice. My parents just went though this after 50 some odd years. She got a lawyer after they had agreed not too.... She now has 95% of the wealth they had and my dad get a small portion of his 401k. Get someone to represent you
Nick (Not-Stig) Comstock wrote:
Well Brian, you should have some free time on your hands. Brian, you should re join us in our GT races. I often see you get online and wonder if Brian will be joining us. But you never do. We miss you Brian.
I am planning on calling an attorney when I get home from work today. I suggested a full week custody for one and then the next week for the other but she felt that was too long away from the kids, and I agree. I agree to pay child support, but I agree with KyAllroad, the courts here are very mother-biased.
Anyone have experience with a shared lawyer? Where both parties use the save lawyer to file the papers and negotiate the terms.
We're being very civil so far.
So far. :-/
GameboyRMH wrote:
Serious question: Does this mean you could get back into driving monster trucks professionally? 'Cuz that would be a nice positive.
I won't lie, I considered it, but that would mean lots of traveling and not getting to see my kids much. It wouldn't look good during the custody battle either.
Depending on how this turns out I just might look into it again. It was a short career but damn was it fun.
slefain
UberDork
10/20/15 11:20 a.m.
BoostedBrandon wrote:
Anyone have experience with a shared lawyer? Where both parties use the save lawyer to file the papers and negotiate the terms.
That just seems like a recipe where she gets a lawyer, you get screwed, AND you pay for it all no matter what.
If possible, do some kind of legal separation paperwork with agreed on terms until divorce is final. A statement on both stating bills incurred are the responsibility of the party incurring the bills (or whatever lawyer speak). Actually that would benefit both of you. She won't be responsible for your bills and you won't be responsible for hers. That statement saved me a lot when a bill collector came knocking on my door 3 years after divorce stating the Mrs. (myname) has incurred these overdue bills. I looked at the dates and saw after the divorce and told the bill collector there hasn't been a Mrs in over 3 years and I had that statement in both divorce and legal separation papers. Saved me and I was living in a different state and hadn't been back to the state she lives in in over 4 years. She did get in a little trouble that she complained to me about because the bill collector told the court system and found out that she remarried and was still using my name.
Not saying she would do that but sometimes desperation makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do. Just tell her that it is beneficial for both parties. Helps keep things amicable.
You think KY is mother-centric in these matters. Try being military in CA like I was. Found out that the state would rather have a child living with a convicted drug dealer than military household. They considered Military household as unstable because of moving regularly and military deployments. Also my 2nd wife being Korean was OK to raise our kids in this (military) environment but she was not good enough for custody of my son from my first marriage. First wife moved around more than I did although she stayed in the state and married a convicted drug dealer that kept getting caught.
