How Much Is Too Much?

dean1484 said:

Cooter said:

dean1484 said:

Instead of writing it record it. Just get him talking and run with it. You can Wright it later (or not). But you will have it. 

I wish that would work.  At this point all we are doing is talking, but he refuses to stay on task.  He will mention things that need to be done, but will change the subject to something else that has to be done when I reply to it.   Every time I visit, it is the same.  Things that he says need to be done, yet never any resolution.   It is both draining and heartbreaking at the same time. 

I was talking about recording him talking about things in his past.  What he did, places he has been, what he sees as his accomplishments.  That kind of thing so if you feel like righting something down later you can go back and listen to it.  I wish we did more of this with my dad.  We have a little but we started to late.  

 

 

Thank you.  I figured that out after I got  little more sleep.  I'm not sure if he is able to do much more than he is doing right now- he is dictating thank-you notes to my wife each day for the people who have touched his life.  It is pretty overwhelming for both of them,  The biggest hurdle for me is that I am not a good enough writer to tell his story.  There are so many people who loved him, and we would all want to know the story of his life,  I'm just not good enough with words to tell it.

xflowgolf said:

Just wanted to voice another word that another here is still reading.  Keep sharing and venting.  

Thank you.   And everyone else here.  It helps a bunch to be able to vent to people who aren't directly involved in this. 

mtn said:

Hey man. If you want to go out to grab a beer somewhere next week, let me know. I've even spent enough nights in a chair at Christ that I'm well familiar with the nocturnal activities of the area. I've also worked in nursing homes and have essentially been a primary caregiver to old folks before--happy to help with the unpleasant if you just need some help.

 

Text if you want. Ate For Heaven - Tree Sex Tree - 4O97. I'm out of town this weekend, but back by Monday.

I will text you if I can.   Lots going on, and I'm picking up my daughter today to spend a week with me.  We were going to go on a Road Trip, but we may just take a bunch of day trips instead to stay semi-local and save some money. I'm having a little difficulty coming up with trip ideas,which in not common for me,  but I think that mostly is stress related.

Cooter said:

mtn said:

Hey man. If you want to go out to grab a beer somewhere next week, let me know. I've even spent enough nights in a chair at Christ that I'm well familiar with the nocturnal activities of the area. I've also worked in nursing homes and have essentially been a primary caregiver to old folks before--happy to help with the unpleasant if you just need some help.

 

Text if you want. Ate For Heaven - Tree Sex Tree - 4O97. I'm out of town this weekend, but back by Monday.

I will text you if I can.   Lots going on, and I'm picking up my daughter today to spend a week with me.  We were going to go on a Road Trip, but we may just take a bunch of day trips instead to stay semi-local and save some money. I'm having a little difficulty coming up with trip ideas,which in not common for me,  but I think that mostly is stress related.

• Starved Rock State Park. Go get the worlds best fried chicken at Rips Tavern afterwards
• Take her to the top of the Sears Tower
• Chicago Indoor Racing (Or is it called K1 Racing now?)
• Six Flags Great America
• Water Parks (Gurnee, Dells, Indiana has some I think)
• Indiana Dunes
• Brookfield Zoo
• Lincoln Park Zoo
• Shedd Aquarium
• Field Museum
• Museum of Science and Industry
• Art Institute
• Cord Museum/Auburn in Indiana
• Cubs Game
• Go Ice Skating
• Movie - Lion King, Toy Story, Aladdin
• Architectural Boat Tour on the river

So, my father in law (re)married us yesterday.  We all went through a lot of tissues.    When my wife went into the other room to get more, my FiL leaned over to me, and told me that he has "never seen her happier" than since she has been with me.  

I try very hard to be a good partner, but I always feel like I should be better.  I know that probably is just being a perfectionist, and judging myself too harshly, but it is still good to hear that I am treating this man's daughter well by his standards.   I really respect and look up to him; he is a giant when it comes to dignity, grace, and treating others well.   

I think I'm going to need a tissue again...

First day of my "Semi Staycation" with my daughter.

We went to in indoor go kart track in Mokena called Accelerate Indoor Speedway (images on the website don't seem to be loading yesterday)  Nice, clean place, air conditioned, and the electric karts were fast with two different courses to choose from.  They give race results with times and positions for every lap.   It's pretty cool, and she had a ball.  

She mentioned she would like to go offroading soon, so we might take a quick trip up to Silver Lake and rent a dune buggy. 

Outstanding!

I'm glad to hear that things are resolving to some degree.

Some of your current trials are so similar to my own that I haven't been able to respond to your posts without being overwhelmed myself. I had a recent cancer scare, and my dad just died.

I found that I could be active on the forum, as long as it wasn't anything reminding me of my own situation.

My dad talked about establishing a trust for his assets. It actually got set up, but he never would move any of his assets into the trust. In retrospect, I wonder if his evasion was a manifestation of his slowly progressive dementia.

Feel free to direct any dog related questions to me. I don't know if I'll be able to provide much more help than that, but I am thinking of you.

Fortunately, there's no shortage of caring support here. 

In reply to Floating Doc :

Thank you for your kind words and support. (everyone's, really)

It is both comforting and heartbreaking to know that others have been in similar situations.   I'm very sorry that I have brought back painful experiences for you. I can surely empathize with what you have gone through.

This sort of brings to mind the title.  There is just so much.  It is difficult for me to see anyone close to me suffering, especially if I can't do much to make it better.  This is both of my wife's parents, in addition to both of my own, while trying my best to help my daughter feel like she has a reason to still exist.  I fear we will lose all four parents this year, and we are likely to lose at least 3.  My FiL is hanging on because there are still some things he wants to get done (like writing the than you notes), but he is in incredible pain from the cancer in his arm. I'm not sure when my father will pass, but he is pretty much refusing to see the doctor anymore.  We aren't sure what is wrong with him, or to what extent.  I truly don't know how long my mom will last without him.   It is not so much losing all of these people, it is watching them suffer, and knowing there isn't much I can do.  Watching my wife cry every day and knowing I will likely leave her and make her cry like this again is maybe the most heartbreaking of all...


But the support of everyone here keeps me going, even when I doing even want to get out of bed.  As well as knowing I am doing all I can.

My father-in-law passed away last night.  Just before midnight.  We visited him every day from the time he was back in his home a little over a months ago.   I watched him become reduced from a vibrant, healthy, man to his final day.   It wasn't easy to watch, but he deserved to know that we loved him, and he wasn't alone.  We are both really going to miss him.

Thoughts and prayers heading your way as you mourn his passing and continue to navigate this rough chapter of your life.

Indy-Guy said:

Thoughts and prayers heading your way as you mourn his passing and continue to navigate this rough chapter of your life.

I'll just echo this. RIP.

Ditto. You’re making it through. 

Praying for the entire Cooter family.  Stay strong, my friend.

That sucks man,there really isn't any words to make it all right but we are all sorry to hear about your loss

Been through this with both my mom and dad as well as my bride's dad.  It knocks the crap out of you and only time makes it any easier.

Lost my mom and dad about five years ago now.  Wife and I are in Hawaii and I saw a group of rods today running up H3 and thought "Ought to call dad tonight.  He would like to hear about that gold T-bucket."  Then it hit me and made me sad.

Also made me grateful.  The fact that I can do anything is because my dad was an old hot rodder and taught me a bit and then stood back and let me go.

Thanks dad

damn Cooter. I can only hope things get better for you.

I just noticed the thread was back. Sorry to hear about your FIL but sounds like you guys made his final days the best they could be. 

In reply to Stampie :

Yes, that was the whole point.   Tough to have to watch, but there is no way we wanted that man to feel he was alone.  He had just lost his wife of over 50 years and had to let his youngest daughter be placed in a group home.  The house felt incredibly empty without them.  We wanted him to know how much he was loved and appreciated.  

I can never be the man he was, but I also wanted him to know I was going to take care of his oldest daughter.

Im glad you could spend time together. Glad you could tell each other how you felt about each other.

I want to tell you, again, that we are here for you and that we love you. 

Cooter said:

I can never be the man he was, but I also wanted him to know I was going to take care of his oldest daughter.

damn, that's solid.

I feel it is the least I can do, Angry.  When he told me that he has never seen his daughter happier, it made me cry, and vow to be a better man.


"Mr G" was a quiet giant of compassion, teaching, and understanding.

Not only an excellent teacher, he is in the Caddie Hall of Fame for his nearly 3 decades of helping caddies and teaching them to be better human beings.  We only found out about it when my wife found the plaque, along wth other awards, hidden in a drawer.

Here is an article about his retirement as Caddie Master at Beverly Country Club, where hundreds turned out to show their appreciation for Tom Gorman.   I only knew him for a comparatively short time as I married his daughter less than 10 years ago, but he had a huge influence on my life.    

WHOA. Small world. I had met your FIL. 

I was a caddie for 10 years, not at Beverly, but had met him at some event somewhere that I was caddying in--probably an Evans Scholar outing. I also had a few friends who caddied at Beverly and I remember them talking about him. 

We had my father-in-law's funeral mass yesterday.  Over 200 people showed showed up.  I was amazed at the turnout.  It was as many or more as show up to Sunday mass there.  It was very rough for my wfe emotionally, but we knew it had to be done for everyone to say goodbye.   Watching everyone pass in front of us, it was interesting to see the different age groups of the people who loved him- the teachers in their 60s through 80s, the "kids" from St Laurence that were around our own age, and the caddies, ranging from their early 40s into their 20s.  He touched so many lives.  I was both awestruck and humbled.  



Now, we need to figure out what to do with the house, and address a few of my own pressing health issues.  I am still running into a brick wall with trying to get my father's financial situation settled so that he and my mother can be taken care of, but I need to step away from that for a bit to catch a breath.

I'm thinking of you.