Suicide

In reply to turtl631:

I mean I suppose we could be "I'm more suicidey than you" but that's just sad. And trust me ive been to the er before for that.... Its no fun stuck in a room.with no stuff to keep your mind of the fact that your perceived world is burning...

In reply to mndsm:

Right, I meant to express that an online discussion this honest and revealing is rare. As stated previously, things like Facebook consist of folks creating the most impressive, positive facade they possibly can. Then it seems like everybody has this perfect life which obviously isn't the case.

Yeah, I was kinda surprised too. I was talking to the wife today and I sorta realized I've run out of berkeleys to give.... hence my share. I was hoping to lead by example, and whether or not I did, who knows. But we got 4 pages out of it on a forum dedicated to wrenching on E36 M3boxes, that's pretty good IMO.

I have tried to comment on this thread a half dozen times and each time it just hasn't come together like I wanted. I have never been so low that I could see suicide as my only way out, but I have thought about it plenty in my younger years. I can see how it would feel like a viable alternative for some. I think we all fall down and sometimes it's the strangest things that help you stand back up or keep crawling along until you can try to get back up. I also know that for some people that step up never comes and the downward spiral takes them. I lost a dear friend (really more like my little brother) to his inner demons. It took me a long time to get over his death and accept that there really wasn't anything I personally could do to save him. I wanted nothing more than to help him and I couldn't. Damn, just damn.

same here … started several times …

in '81 ( I was 32) I think I hit bottom (at least bottom for me) … had lost my job (fired .. my fault), was in a new city, far far from home, got dumped, was drinking lots, doing lots of drugs … money running out ….

off by myself, stoned as usual, I remember thinking about suicide … wondering what it would be like, wondering if I could do it, wondering how it would affect those back home .. that's probably what caused me to push it aside … slept, sobered up … decided to return home while I still could … haven't gotten that low since … hope I never do

thoughts and prayers for those that are still fighting those demons

Just a follow up:

I attended the funeral for the co-worker of my fiance on Saturday. It was a beautiful day. The church (Catholic) was packed. This girl touched a lot of people, whether or not she knew it. Her family didn't say much, but her boyfriend spoke for about 20 minutes.

He was a meteorology major at the school I graduated from and was interning out in Colorado. They Skyped weekly and typically talked at least once a day. They had been friends for 5 years and had been dating for 2. He read some of her more love letters between them, both at high points and low points of her depression.

Despite not knowing her, at least personally, I cried like a baby. Not because I missed her, but because there were so many people who would. So many people who wanted her in their life, if only for a few minutes a day.

I cried because as someone who would never consider suicide, I was faced with a glaring question of "why?" Why someone who had a great group of friends? Shared a great love? Had great parents and family? Someone who was recognized in the community and strove to make a difference?

And so I left the church, walked outside, past the parking lot, into the field nearby. I soaked up the sun and came to grips with the mystery of death and the beauty of life.

I walked back to the parking lot to a young guy with his hood up looking at his engine bay perplexed and filling his radiator with water and asked;

"How can I help?"

I have little to add except sometimes I feel ashamed that I am so angry at a friend/coworker who intentionally OD'd on one of his daily meds. He took about 20x the normal amount, went to sleep, and never woke. He had a beautiful wife and 2 beautiful preschool aged daughters who thought he was superman. I thought he had it made. When I found out he had died, I thought it mustve been an accident. I found out later that his meds are single use injectables. You have to accidentally shoot yourself 20 more times than normal. Sometimes Im angry at myself for not being a better friend and recognizing something being "off" with him. Sometimes Im angry at him for hiding his depression/issues so well that I couldnt see it. Im definitely angry that he was such a coward - those kids need their dad. I'll never know his whole story - I was friends with his wife too, but living with the aftermath around here was too much, and she moved away, and wont contact anyone she knew from "before". I wont know why or for how long or any of the details. I kinda dont care, cuz the more I think about it, the angrier I get...and THAT is what Im ashamed of...its my problems I focus on, and not his/hers/theirs.

recognizing the finality of suicide forces us to confront our own mortality. Shuffling the deck that way makes you think about things in an odd way, and that plays havoc on your psyche.

Im not sure what I meant to add by posting this, except to maybe vent a little. Sorry to hear about the girl in the OP. Im sure there are plenty of people angry with her now too...

In reply to 4cylndrfury:

You shouldn't be angry at him so much as you should be angry that mental health issues are so stigmatized in our culture, especially in men, which is likely why he hid it all.