What’s your favorite witty expression?

Stealthtercel said:

Courtesy of a former Sergeant in the Royal Marines, a co-worker back in the 80s:

"as organized as a box of frogs"

"he couldn't lead a drunk to a piss-up in a brewery"

And we shouldn't forget this one, supposedly from a collection of actual officer evaluations:

"This officer's continued service in the Royal Navy is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."

The Brits have turned this type of expression into an art form.

One of my favourites is "As useful as a chocolate tea pot" or alternatively "As useful as a chocolate fireguard".

Another I fortunately one never had to use in a performance review: "Hit rock bottom last year and has started digging since"

I read a quote once from Sam Clemens. He had been invited to a funeral of someone he didn't like.

His response was: "I am unable to attend but I wholeheartedly approve of the event."

In describing our products at work--

"You can buy better, but you can't pay more!"

90% finished, 90% to go...

Hi, what do you know?

Not much, does it show?

Driven5 said:

Grab the bull by the balls and run with it.

That sounds unwise. 😂

If I want any E36 M3 out of you I'll squeeze your head. 

"Those pants were so tight I could see her religion"

SV reX said:

"Those pants were so tight I could see her religion"

That's better than seeing his religion...

It's pretty hard to get chicken salad out of chicken E36 M3

A robot programmer I work with is proud of his one liner.  When asked by a manager "what happens if I push this button?" He didn't hesitate in responding "Your nose starts to bleed..."

SV reX said:

"Those pants were so tight I could see her religion"

In the 80's gym days we called them "mumble pants" 'cos you could see the lips move but couldn't hear the words ...

sorry, I'll see myself out

That's a weird hill to die on but at least they're dead. 

travellering said:

A robot programmer I work with is proud of his one liner.  When asked by a manager "what happens if I push this button?" He didn't hesitate in responding "Your nose starts to bleed..."

"What would happen if I took your mask off?"

"It would be very painful.  For you."

Wish/hope in one hand and poop in the other and see which one fills up first.

Half of what I know is wrong. Bear with me while I figure out which half.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Also

I spent all my money on fast cars, loose women and slow horses. The rest of it I wasted.

If brains were dynamite he/she wouldn't be able to blow their nose

It partly reiterates a couple above, but the version I like and use is "The first 90% of the project takes the first 90% of the time, and the last 10% of the project takes the other 90% of the time."

If brains were gasoline, he couldn't drive a Dinky Toy around a Cheerio.

Not funny or insulting, but used at work:

" If it wasn't documented it didn't happen"

I gotta feelin' somethin' ain't right back at th' ranch.

My father worked hard all of his short life and got crapped on pretty hard towards the end.  He was the typical believer in work hard, keep your nose clean, don't put things off, yada yada.  A couple of years before he died, he told me "Bill, don't do today what you can out off till tomorrow".  That was so unlike him that I should have realized something was wrong.   

My grandfather had tons of sayings, but the ones I still use...

you are a ball lost in tall weeds

if the bear hadn't stopped to take a crap, he'd have caught the rabbit

blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while

use your head for something other than a hat rack

"It ain't rocket surgery"