i have always wondered what it took

to make someone totally snap.. after trying to have a rational discussion about my mom with my dad, and him turning anything and everything around on me. i goto school ft and work pt. i have 3 exams a week. i am lucky if i see my wife 3 hrs a week. i have tons of homework, and my son has homework everyday. he has after school activites, and base ball. my dad cant pick up the phone. they cant get in the car and drive over here. its only about 12 miles. my dad has always been the master of finding someone else to blame.. and i am made to feel like a POS... not that i am considering it, but i now know why some people really entertain eating a bullet.. ok rant done.

Don't even think like that man, trust me it hurts. Do the right thing and just let him realize that if he wants to be part of the family he needs to come see you. YOUR life is going great, don't let HIS attitude dictate yours. Feel free to rant here 24/7/365 about it if it keeps you happier and those kind of thoughts away. We're here for you buddy!

+1

Shoot me a PM if you want to talk. Hell, do it if you are headed down to FL and want a place to crash.

Some folks are not happy unless they are unhappy. My mom is one of them.

I was sure I was going to kill my old man. Sure. Now we live 1200 mile apart and things couldn't be better. Distance DOES make the heart grow fonder.

I agree that if he wishes to be a part of your life then he needs to come see YOU with a different attitude. Or distance yourself from him until the other stressful thing subside.

I've always been a bit curious about family dynamics. I come from a family where there is no particular drama, everybody looks after their own crap, we get along just fine, can talk about family problems like my 96 year old mom and her dementia and care home situation. I feel no particular need to visit often, or even call, really. If I'm needed, or something important is going on, I'm as close as a phone call. No pressure, no guilt, always good to see everyone...

Then you get the families that spend every waking moment figuring out when they are getting together, where Easter supper is, on and on, and they are fighting and cursing each other out within a few hours, calling me to pick them up at 2 in the morning because mom said something mean...

I always wonder why they don't just walk away...is it that important?

I have a brother that does/says things that make me have instant rage. If you ask anyone who knows me I am not a person who has a temper of any sort. (mostly stuff relating to his kids and him not caring for them as he should)

On several occasions in the last year I have gotten upset enough with him that I was literally shaking. It scared the hell out of my girlfriend (not in the hurt her sense, but just never having seen me genuinely upset and scared for me).

Everyone has their hot button. For me, its my brother. For you, it seems its your father. This is perfectly normal as far as I can tell.

It is alright to feel this way, just remember that at the end of the day, its not on you to make all the effort in any relationship, even with family.

Remember that his influence is not the only thing of importance in your life. I got to the point that I decided that it was not worthwhile to let the stuff with my brother overshadow the rest of my life and my happiness.

Hope this helps in some small way. Pulling back from being that upset is never an easy thing to do and (for me at least) takes awhile.

First of all, welcome to my world. I went throught the same things with my folks, my Dad in particular...tho my Mom wasn't blameless.

I finally said it wasn't doing me any good to simmer and even "boil over" so I just made the move out the area. (Sorry, but i realize that is not an option for you.) As my parents got older, I was determined to treat them the way I (felt?) I had been treated...that is, if they want to talk, they can use a 'phone, and if not, oh well.

BUT, once your folks pass a certain age, for me it was mid '70s, you make an effort to forgive and forget...or at least forget.

I have a brother that I love dearly, he's a great guy, will give you the shirt off his back but who has flights of fancy concerning business, he likes get rich quick stuff. His precarious financial condition is evidence of what I am talking about. He also gets very generous when I know he really can't afford it; for instance he had one of his contractors put gutters across the front of my house when I knew damn well he was in a jam. He refused to let me pay for it. I get infuriated with him for screwing himself that way but at the same time the generosity is evident and I don't want to hurt him. But he will not listen unless I get nasty and loud, dammit!

It's not just me, he is a soft touch for old GF's etc; he is letting one stay with him (separate bedrooms, along with her cats and he is NOT a cat person) and she contributes nothing to the household. I want shake him till he wakes up and tell him to throw her and her crap out in the street, but it's not my business and I need to stay the hell out of it.

The worst part is that after all these years I can pretty instantly sense when he wants to drag me into one of his fantasies and I find myself just cutting him off. I hate it, I wish it wasn't that way but I just can't help it.

So yeah I think I know how you feel. I wish I had an answer but I don't.

EDIT: Wow, just read your last post BARNCA and my problem is nothing. Man, I wish I had an answer for you.

integraguy wrote: First of all, welcome to my world. I went throught the same things with my folks, my Dad in particular...tho my Mom wasn't blameless. I finally said it wasn't doing me any good to simmer and even "boil over" so I just made the move out the area. (Sorry, but i realize that is not an option for you.) As my parents got older, I was determined to treat them the way I (felt?) I had been treated...that is, if they want to talk, they can use a 'phone, and if not, oh well. BUT, once your folks pass a certain age, for me it was mid '70s, you make an effort to forgive and forget...or at least forget.

mine are in there 80's.. this crap has gone on for a long time. the quick background on my mom.. was always my "protector" took me places. made sure i got what i needed.. ran the house with an iron fist.. bout 6 yrs ago she had a bad accident. fell down a flight of stairs and had alot of head trama... after she was "different". my dad got the control he always wanted.. over money and most other things. he got wind that my mom gave me and my wife credit cards for emergencies or vacations. and she paid it on the down low so my dad wouldnt know.. so when she was in the hosp he found out the poop hit the fan. and alot of realities came out.. sad when you see that its all about control.. and i am guessing that since i am busy with school, and busy with life. that i dont have time for them he is pissed.. but he made his bed as far as i am now concerned.. i seem to remember him coming home from biz trips seven shades of crocked.. i had to drive him home once from his friends house cuz he was E36 M3faced.. i was 13.. so i guess the cycle is coming back around...

just to say this..im no angel. dont claim to be. but i dont think this crap is all my fault....

I haven't talked to my side of the family in 10 years. Life is sooooo much better! Just because someone is blood doesn't mean you should put up withu a constant stream of crap. If you wouldn't take if from a stranger don't take if from family, if they can't change time to cut the cord and move on.

pigeon wrote: I haven't talked to my side of the family in 10 years. Life is sooooo much better! Just because someone is blood doesn't mean you should put up withu a constant stream of crap. If you wouldn't take if from a stranger don't take if from family, if they can't change time to cut the cord and move on.

My whole family gets along great with the rest of my whole family. Both sides. I never understood how family's could do this... until I met my girlfriends family. Talk about an eye opener. My girlfriend is equally amazed at how good of a thing family can be--for instance, this weekend my dad, brother, two uncles and a cousin and I are going fishing (Dads side) and I am currently in talks with my aunt about getting tickets for the Indy 500 (Moms side).

Appleseed wrote: I was sure I was going to kill my old man. Sure. Now we live 1200 mile apart and things couldn't be better. Distance DOES make the heart grow fonder.

I had the same thing with my dad, although not quite as bad. All it took for us was me moving 120 miles to college. Now he is one of my best friends.

This thread is actually making me feel better. I have my own share of family problems, much of which was due to my stepmother marrying my father. When my father died, my family went into a "I deserve this stuff" mentality although they treated my dad like E36 M3 while he was alive. Because of this, my father left everything to my stepmother, who treated me so much better that my own blood did. When I refused to turn my back on my stepmother upon my fathers death, my family treated me like I was a traitor. I didn't care about the material things but about not having my father anymore. My stepmother has done alot to help me through rough times, financially and emotionally. My blood relatives still think it was a financial thing that made me default to my stepmother for any help. They still do not get it. I contact my mother, sister, and rarely my brother(he was the worst of the worst to me) on need to contact bases to not make myself feel like E36 M3. I have been rather happy on my own.

pigeon wrote: I haven't talked to my side of the family in 10 years. Life is sooooo much better! Just because someone is blood doesn't mean you should put up withu a constant stream of crap. If you wouldn't take if from a stranger don't take if from family, if they can't change time to cut the cord and move on.

Winnar. I don't keep things in my life that cause me stress/make life more difficult than it has to be.

My family, I visit them when they are in a good mood. As SOON as anything "drama"-ish starts to happen, I simply leave and drive 2 hours back to where I live. I tell them to call me when they can behave like mature adults. I'm quite positive my mother has an undiagnosed bi-polar disorder. Poor Dad has had to put up with it since we were born.

As for my sister, I thank the baby-jesus daily she moved 700kms north of us to the middle of nowhere. Her life is so drama-filled (and not even the typical putzy/ditsy air brain drama over other girls and dude stuff), I refuse to help her with anything anymore.

Big reminder was when she freaked out my best friend (her ex FIVE YEARS AGO) was at the parents house as we were passing through for a race. Then she called me after that weekend (when he was forbidden to even set foot in their house anymore) asking if we were still going to move-in together. MOTHERBERKELYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THAT NOISE! Thank god she saved me from a mistake, sometimes you forget what its like...

i have an older brother and sister.. i havent talked to him in about 5 yrs and my sister in about a yr.. so i guess i am just destined to go this way with my dad..

Yeah, I have three sisters. The middle one, I pretty much ignore everything she says or does. She has had one major bad card dealt to her healthwise, but 95% of her troubles are entirely her own making - though I doubt she would admit that to herself, let alone anyone else.

We were all raised by the same parents, and none of us is adopted. The other three of us have been successful (by a variety of standards, not just monetary) and have 4 kids between us. The only thing she ever did was soak up resources and have a bunch of equally-flighty, equally-useless kids. She has 4 by herself.

I think 2 of them graduated high school, one dropped out, and the last one she "home schooled". He's 2 months younger than my second kid (mind you, my sister's 11 years older than I am) but he acts like he's probably 5 years younger.

Neither she nor her husband nor any of her kids have ever held a steady job or had anything you could call a career - and any time they are in danger of that, they make sure to quit and start over doing something else less likely.

They're the type of people who never have any money but insist on throwing bad money after bad. The only thing I can say to their credit is that (as far as I know) none of them has ever been on public assistance. Oh, and they've stayed married for the entire time, more than 35 years. I credit them with that, though it's mostly my BIL's incredible patience.

So, pretty much, as soon as she starts talking about herself (which is most of the time) I just tune her right out. She really used to get my wife steamed until I got her to practice the art.

In reply to BARNCA:

Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? Honestly, it's a life-saver for families dealing with control-freaks with alcohol problems. They teach you how to set boundaries without getting angry, and to recognize that you don't have to take on someone else's stuff, just because they try to give it to you. Sometimes the best thing you can do is put some space between you and them, and that's okay too – you shouldn't feel guilty just because you did what you had to do to keep yourself sane. But you can also learn how to have an arm's length relationship with crazy family, and still keep your self-respect. (my family sounds like yours...)

Man I could have used that ten years ago.

It's still around.

Yep. Helped me a lot as a teen (ala-teen)

Hello All, I know I am not on here much but I am BARNCA's wife. It is nice to see that he has support in someone other then me. Growing up my family was always very close, almost too close. My parents were babies when they had me 16 (mom) and 19 (dad) so we kind of grew up together. When I met my dearest hubby I thought for many months, sadly even years that his preception of his family was a big fish story. I just couldn't get my head around the fact that a parent could treat their flesh and blood with so much hate. What I finally started to see was a family, brother and sister included that just not only felt he was, but treated him like the black sheep. I just didn't get it. His brother is so arogant, and his sister is just a miserable &*^$! The bummer of that is we never get to see our niece or nephew (his brothers kids). Somehow we became unfit people for them to be around when we let them stay up past their bedtime when they stayed over our house yeas ago. OMG how dare we let them have fun with their cousin! I'm rambling...sorry. I just keep telling BARNCA that he breaks the cycle with our son. He knows how awful it feels to be treated the way he is by his own father that he will not treat our son that way! That is the most he can do and the best thing. As much as he wants to move away it won't change the dynamic or change who they are as people. You can distance yourself in the same town as much as putting 12 states between you. What I hope he can finally do is just not allow it to affect him so much. They are not worth his energy or time. What is even more amazing to me is his father makes it sound like they had some sort of relationship at some point...they never have! I don't know, families can really suck sometimes!

I am going through this right now with my baby sis.

Long story short, last year she was diagnosed (at 31) as being Bipolar. In hindsight it was pretty obvious. Today, she uses that excuse for bad behaviour. She was on medication, but refuses to take it because it makes her feel "numb". To deal with the lows, she self medicates with illegal drugs and alcohol.

She has never held a job beyond pole dancing, Jumps beds like a hurdler on the way to an olympic gold, and in general made my life (and my family's a living hell) I refuse to talk to her anymore unless we are in the same room together.. and I do my best to avoid that situation.

Two years ago we rescued her and my then 9 year old niece from a bad situation in Chicago. For the past two years she has been living with my mom in my Late Grandmother's place in PA. For the past several months she has been dating these scummy guys from Carlisle and been talking of moving in with them. (they are ten years younger than her)

She has been badgering my niece about moving with her.. doing her best to turn her against my mom to make the move easier. Thankfully my Niece is scary intelligent and saw right through my Sis. She refused to move. Last week, my Sis resorted to threats of killing my niece if she did not move in with her.

My niece went to the nurse and principle of her school and let it all flow in a two hour cryfest. Family services was knocking on the door in hours. To sum up.. My mom now has legal custody of my Niece and my Sister moved to Carlisle where she crawled into a bottle with her alcoholic and drug using friends and has not been seen since

In reply to PINKIE2274:

Thanks for posting and stick around! Keep BARNCA sane, even if it means letting him drag home some rusty old heap because we egged him into it.