How Much Is Too Much?

In reply to Cooter :

Sorry to hear about your FIL, I think you have the right idea about getting away. You and your wife need to be able to spend some time together without all the BS of the day to day stuff. We will keep you guys in our thoughts and prayers. 

This getting older and being responsible thing isn't always what it is cracked up.to be. I'm in your camp of always trying to fix things, some things are just out of our control and we can only help by listening or offering  some form of comfort. Take each  day as it comes, you have already made a difference with the things you have accomplished in just the past few weeks. Go have some fun with the bride, you both deserve it. Have a happy 4th of July, maybe blow something up if you are into that. 

It's too much when you don't think about ya self anymore. 

Taking "Sockets" back into the vet in about  half an hour.  It's a follow up to the last scare.  Hopefully we won't have any more bad news for a bit.  Supposed to be in Sault Ste. Marie tomorrow night.  Marcy is 11 now. She's been a great, albeit sassy, dog.  She has lived a good life.  But she still likes being a dog.  And we still like our sassy girl pulling her shenanigans.  

All of Sockets tests came back either normal or high-normal.  One more thing off the plate for now.  

Cooter said:

All of Sockets tests came back either normal or high-normal.  One more thing off the plate for now.  

That's good news!

Sockets is a beautiful animal!

Thank you.  We just came back from a walk with her a few minutes ago.  Trying to do some "normal things" to keep our sanity.

My wife's mom just passed away yesterday, and we moved her father back into his home today after he ended up in the hospital again on Monday.  He has decided on hospice care in his own home for the remainder of his time.   It has been a pretty tough week.

 

I'm not even sure if anyone is interested in reading this anymore, so I will keep it as short as possible.

I may or may not have mentioned (too painful to reread the thread right now) that I discovered on our 4th of July trip to Sault Ste. Marie that my FiL was ordained as a minister many years ago.  We had decided that we wanted a religious wedding to back up the civil wedding performed when we were married a decade ago, but finding the right person to officiate proved difficult.    I asked for my wife's hand and we asked for my FiL to marry us at the same time as we were working with the hospital to set up his release into home hospice care.  It was a pretty big deal.  He cried, and we cried.   We have been crying a lot.  There is a joke about his box of tissues that gets repeated a lot lately.  He has lived a pretty amazing life, and he wants to tell people his story now.  

I wish I was a good enough writer to be able to tell his story for him...

Thanks for updating us. That sounds wonderful. 

Cooter said:

I'm not even sure if anyone is interested in reading this anymore, so I will keep it as short as possible.

 I asked for my wife's hand and we asked for my FiL to marry us at the same time as we were working with the hospital to set up his release into home hospice care.  It was a pretty big deal.  He cried, and we cried.  

We're still reading.  

This is an amazing connection the three of you will share for the rest of YOUR lives.  You've got my eyes watering over here.

Pretty busy day at my FiL's house and my parent's.  Trying to get things sorted with my parents to make their transition easier when the time comes, but I'm beating my head against a brick wall.  It's going to be nearly impossible to sort everything out once the time comes.   I come home from their house mentally and emotionally exhausted every time.  I'm not sure what to do.

Only what you can. 

Seriously.  The rest will sort its self out. My father passed recently and you have a huge list of stuff to get done and you just do the best you can. You ain’t Superman. You are you. 

No guilt trips no should haves you are giving it your all and that IS GOOD ENOUGH. 

Instead of writing it record it. Just get him talking and run with it. You can Wright it later (or not). But you will have it. 

dean1484 said:

Instead of writing it record it. Just get him talking and run with it. You can Wright it later (or not). But you will have it. 

This.  If he’s able to talk, let him tell it his way.    You can interject questions to steer it a little, but recording it means you don’t have to worry about missing details.

And yes, still reading and still available if you want to talk.  I’m in China so 12 time zones off for another 9 days.

dean1484 said:

Only what you can. 

 

Seriously.  The rest will sort its self out. My father passed recently and you have a huge list of stuff to get done and you just do the best you can. You ain’t Superman. You are you. 

No guilt trips no should haves you are giving it your all and that IS GOOD ENOUGH. 

The problem isn't a matter of my parents dying, it is either my father dying, and having to figure ot how to care for my mother, or both of them becoming mentally incapacitated and figuring out a way to pay for them both.   We have no idea where their funds are, or how much, or even where to start looking.   We had two days to find a place for my MiL (who also was in late stage Alzheimer's), and it was relatively simple, because my FiL had everything not only written out, but actually sorted out so we could find the funds to take care of his wife.  My own father has a vacation home that he hasn't visited in years that is draining him, and has said he needs to sell it for decades.  Yet when I say "okay, let's take steps to get it sold for you", he changes the subject.  He keeps saying that he needs to get my name on his checking account so that I can handle his bills when he ends up in the hospital again.   But every time I answer him with "okay, let's go", he says "when I'm feeling better"   But that's not going to happen at this point.  He is only going to feel worse. 

 Not being able to find decent care for my parents because I am not able to figure out where they have left tens of thousands of dollars that could have made the ends of their lives more comfortable IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  If I were rolling in dough, none of this would matter, as I would just pay for it all out of pocket.  But I am not.  My own cancer, the subsequent divorce from my first wife, the recession, and loss of my job of 10 years and then my home all in the span of two years took care of that.  

dean1484 said:

Instead of writing it record it. Just get him talking and run with it. You can Wright it later (or not). But you will have it. 

I wish that would work.  At this point all we are doing is talking, but he refuses to stay on task.  He will mention things that need to be done, but will change the subject to something else that has to be done when I reply to it.   Every time I visit, it is the same.  Things that he says need to be done, yet never any resolution.   It is both draining and heartbreaking at the same time. 

AngryCorvair said:

And yes, still reading and still available if you want to talk.  I’m in China so 12 time zones off for another 9 days.

Thank you.   Talking to someone who isn't in the middle of it has helped a ton.  I'm really hoping things are improving a bit for my daughter.  Her mother finally set up an initial appointment with a therapist.  I hope to find out if anything came of it this weekend when I see her again.

I'm not able to sleep through the night anymore, so these posts come in random spurts.  My wife isn't sleeping well, either, so I leave the room and distract myself with movies or the intrawebs so that I don't wake her.  If things go well, we will have the wedding today, I think.

It's never too much if it brings everyone together. You will always have a shoulder to cry on here.

Hey man. If you want to go out to grab a beer somewhere next week, let me know. I've even spent enough nights in a chair at Christ that I'm well familiar with the nocturnal activities of the area. I've also worked in nursing homes and have essentially been a primary caregiver to old folks before--happy to help with the unpleasant if you just need some help.

Text if you want. Ate For Heaven - Tree Sex Tree - 4O97. I'm out of town this weekend, but back by Monday.

Yes, we're reading. I am down in North Carolina right now helping my mother get through a similar situation with her sister, who had a stroke a few weeks ago and her finances are more than a little scattered.  

You may want to talk to an end of life attorny who can help you at least figure out what paperwork you can get people to sign to make your life easier, if you're not already executor of the estates. 

Thanks for the updates, I think we all want to "just fix" things here, but seriously, if there's any value in venting, we're here to listen!

Cooter said:

dean1484 said:

Instead of writing it record it. Just get him talking and run with it. You can Wright it later (or not). But you will have it. 

I wish that would work.  At this point all we are doing is talking, but he refuses to stay on task.  He will mention things that need to be done, but will change the subject to something else that has to be done when I reply to it.   Every time I visit, it is the same.  Things that he says need to be done, yet never any resolution.   It is both draining and heartbreaking at the same time. 

I was talking about recording him talking about things in his past.  What he did, places he has been, what he sees as his accomplishments.  That kind of thing so if you feel like righting something down later you can go back and listen to it.  I wish we did more of this with my dad.  We have a little but we started to late.  

Cooter said:

I'm not even sure if anyone is interested in reading this anymore, so I will keep it as short as possible.

I may or may not have mentioned (too painful to reread the thread right now) that I discovered on our 4th of July trip to Sault Ste. Marie that my FiL was ordained as a minister many years ago.  We had decided that we wanted a religious wedding to back up the civil wedding performed when we were married a decade ago, but finding the right person to officiate proved difficult.    I asked for my wife's hand and we asked for my FiL to marry us at the same time as we were working with the hospital to set up his release into home hospice care.  It was a pretty big deal.  He cried, and we cried.   We have been crying a lot.  There is a joke about his box of tissues that gets repeated a lot lately.  He has lived a pretty amazing life, and he wants to tell people his story now.  

I wish I was a good enough writer to be able to tell his story for him...

Just wanted to voice another word that another here is still reading.  Keep sharing and venting.