Joke of the day

These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

I miss you like the desert misses the rain...

....That is to say I have adapted to life without you, buried everything we made together, and prolonged exposure to you would be disastrous.

A number of countries have an unfortunate ISO Alpha-2 country code, but the most unfortunate must be the Central African Republic, which was given the code "CF"...it comes off as intentional, you know? They didn't give "EH" to Canada.

G_Body_Man wrote: BWaHahahahaaaahhhaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The way kids see things...

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

What Canadian province is the most likely home of Bigfoot?

Sasquatchewan!

I'm sure I'm not the first person to make this joke, but I swear I've never heard it before. It just popped into my head and I cracked myself up. Thought I'd share.

Why does the Swedish navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back into port, they can Scandinavian.

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers in the weeks that followed, an archaeologist in California dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly afterwards, headlines in the LA Times ?read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, the Greenville News, a local newspaper in South Carolina, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Travelers Rest in Greenville County, South Carolina, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago, South Carolina had already gone wireless.

Who said South Carolinians were hicks?

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. . . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. 

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." 

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.  

He then jumps on the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow, swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"  

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"  

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."  

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.  

Two weeks later, the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.  

The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"  

"No, what?" replied the man.  

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.  

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to schit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. 

"It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Dad sleeps naked." 

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. 

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. 

"Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we have a coyote. The past few nights it ate hens and killed Mom's best milk goat. Last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Mom, "That coyote's back and I'm going to get him!" 

"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" 

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! 

He crawled right up and stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, woke up and snuck up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Dad's butt! 

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"

In reply to Toyman01 :

ouch my sides hurt quit it!!!

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

 A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits in the ticket line a long time but gets them.  He goes to rent a limo and there is a long line at the rental place but he manages to get one. Next he goes to by his date flowers where he once again waits in a long line before finally getting her corsage.  At the prom she asks him to get her some punch.  He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?

Names.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide, but you can't run.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

In reply to BoostedBrandon :

My cat walked into girlfriend's bra, the other day. I told him, "Watch out, Kitteh, it's a boobie trap."

There's a knock at the door. Fellow gets up, answers the door but there's no one there. He looks down and sees a snail on the doormat, picks it up and tosses it out in the yard. 

Three years later there's a knock at the door. Fellow answers and is greeted by the snail again. Snail says, "Hey! What the berkeley was that all about?"

I was reminded of this joke today as I was repotting some plants to bring them inside for the winter. After dumping the soil out of one pot I turned it over and noticed two slugs underneath. Chuckling to myself I plucked one off and threw it into the yard. As I was throwing the second one I said, "See you guys in three years!" It was only then that I realized that my neighbor was watering her roses along the fence. I really can't blame her for thinking I'm crazy. 

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized, I was watching a dog chasing his tail. 

In reply to SVreX :

And I was just amused by reading about someone who was watching a dog chase his tail.....